Chapter Four - Katie
I see the new girl before we walk over there. She looks a little scared. I was scared on my first day on the swim team. The mean girls start to whisper to each other and I remember Opel's incident on her first day at our new school. It was awful and I begged her to tell mom and dad, but she wouldn't. Opel told us and made us promise not to tell anyone.
"Alright girls, practice is over. I hope you will accept Rachel as a friend," Mrs. Marten replies and walks away.
I walk over to Opel and Ginny standing by the towel rack.
"I'm scared for Rachel, I saw Nicole, Meghan and Stella whispering," I say nervously.
"I'm scared too," Ginny replies and Opel looks a little paler.
"Me too," Opel replies drying off her wet body. I watch as Rachel walks into the cold locker room, and Ginny, Opel, and I shoot nervous glances at each other. The Bully Girls, as we call them, follow her inside.
"Should we go inside the locker room?" Ginny asks pointing to the door.
"Yes. Just to make sure Rachel is ok," Opel says leading me and Ginny over to the locker room. I respond with a single nod and follow Opel. I lean up against the door to listen in. The big, metal door is cold against my warm face. I hear several kicks and then I hear thud. Opel hears it and flinches.
"Let's go, it's getting bad," Ginny says with a serious expression upon her face. Opel and I nod and I push open the big metal door. Inside the locker room their are several rows of lockers to keep our things in during practice, a couple bathroom stalls, and several showers. The floor is tiled and scattered with water. I see Rachel on the ground crying, huddled up in a corner on the far side of the room.
The Bully Girls stand around her slowly moving closer and closer to her. I put my hand over my mouth in shock, and stand frozen in the doorway for a bit. Opel and Ginny walk over, not shaken up in any way.
"Get away from her," Ginny shouts loudly, her face is tense and she is mad.
"She said get away," Opel screams at them.
"Oh look who we have here," Stella smirks and crosses her arms. I duck behind her and grab Rachel's arm. I get her to her feet, and without anyone noticing, I walk her over to where my two sisters are standing.
"You guys are just jealous and upset that she is a good swimmer," I say.
"She is a better swimmer than you'll ever be," Opel shouts and stamps her foot.
"And she will always be a better friend than you are to your friends Stella," Ginny remarks, still shouting.
"I would like to disagree," Stella says frowning.
"Oh really," I reply and walk forward.
"You always talk bad about your friends, and you are mean and bully them," Opel points out, getting upset. Meghan and Nicole look shocked and stand behind Stella supporting her. I get ready to say something to them, when I hear the locker door open.
"What is going on in here!"
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Glad to see another amazing part of your story. Even though, I am kind of disappointed. As the other reviewer before me had pointed out, nothing really caught my eye and made me think that this a unique story or anything. Maybe this is how you want to write but I know you can make it double the interesting if you want to. For the now the story sounds like the obvious evil versus good between little kids. Now, to the small nitpicks.
The previous line which was also a dialogue of another character pointed out that she is scared so it is better to say ' I was also scared' because you talk about two people feeling the same in a currect situation. If you were saying this for the first time, it was going to be okay.
I think you need to put a fullstop after Rachel and if the narrator does not continue talking after the action you can not put a comma after their speech.
Fullstop after 'whispering' and fullstop in every other situation in which you make this mistake.
You do not need so many commas.
Remove the one before 'I shoot'.
You can put comma between two adjectives if they can be ordered in a different way but still make sense and be correct. They will sound right ordered even if you say the first adjective first or say it second, or whatever is the order there. In this situation you can not say 'metal big door' right? You can not change their order at all and it sounds odd. You can not use comma here.
In the second sentence you can not put comma either and you had made it right. Make the first sentence like the second. You need one comma before 'and I push' because you have too many 'and' repeated already.
'their' needs to be 'there'.
I suggest you to change the sentence a bit also.
Inside the locker room there are several rows of lockers to keep our things in during practice, a couple bathroom stalls and several showers.
You use too many commas.
You can not have comma in this sentence. Comma can be used only if you connect dependent sentence or the independent sentence is before the dependent one.
Examples for each type
Dependent:
He stopped looking for her and he decided to just move on.
Independent:
He stopped looking for her and decided to just move on.
Independent first,
dependent second:
If he decided to just move on, he needed to stop looking for her.
One comma befoe her name because you are talking to her. (first line)
And one optional comma before 'supporting her'.
This is also a question so I think you need a question mark also. You do not need to remove the one you had put.
Keep on writing and hope to see more of you.
BasicWaffle here!
I really enjoyed reading this. You wrote extremely well for a 13 year old. I can't wait to read more of your chapters.
I really see no grammatical errors though I could of missed something.
I do have a few small suggestions though.
Now this is a very basic story if you want to be a writer you should try and be somewhat original. The "mean girls" should be called some kind of name like the clique or the basics something other than mean girls. Also the "bully girls". unless this person is in second grade no one would call a group of bullies the "bully girls".
This was very enjoyable but if this is not a novel for children you need to make some changes.
P.S This is my first review so sorry if it is bad.
Bye!
- BasicWaffle
Hi BasicWaffle!
Thanks for the review! This chapter was actually written by my friend Gymnast2002! She is really new and I had already published the start of this story so I'm now just publishing both of our chapters
I will be sure to let her know that her chapter got a review (we switch out each chapter) Thanks again!