Grif sat quietly in his room.
His room was large: it held several book cases, a dresser, his desk, and his bed with enough room to do any number of exercises. He sat in his computer chair, facing his computer. It sat on a desk, along with several books, papers, clothing, and some other electronic amenities. At the moment his attention was focused completely on the computer, his fingers crossed the keyboard rapidly as he typed.
He had the computer playing some music in the background: he was in the process of learning to enjoy the Beatles. The clock read 11:23 in the evening. He had a busy day tomorrow, but this didn't matter to him at the moment.
He was writing.
He felt rather weird as he typed. Most of his posts were reviews or conversation. This thread wasn't either; it was a story. His hands went faster and faster as he got deeper into the story. He faced the problem that all writers have; that of having millions of ideas and not enough fingers to write them fast enough.
The pace quickened, before suddenly dwindling off. His brow furrowed as the frown crossed his face; he had just gotten stuck. He deleted a sentence and tried again. It didn't help. He repeated the process, with the same result. The frown deepened. He knew that every second he spent working on the sentence was time that prevented him from continuing (even finishing!) the story.
Nothing bugs a writer more than not being to express what is crammed inside his mind and Grif was no exception. With each moment, the story faded into obscurity. It didn't take much time for frustration to set in. He finally wrote it down, only to stop as he looked at the story.
He had written complete garbage.
Disgusted, he selected all the text and deleted it angrily. Nothing was worse than wasting half an hour of effort for no apparent gain. He closed his web browser and initiated the shut down procedure. He then proceeded to do some exercises (this was a part of a physical fitness project) before shutting off the light and going to bed. He had barely fallen asleep, when he heard it.
"Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world..."
He groaned. The Beatles were still playing over his computer. Muttering, he got up and turned on the monitor. It hadn't shut down after all. He quickly stopped the music and shut the computer down, this time making sure that it worked. After this, he retreated to bed.
He didn't notice the amber egg below the monitor.
Nor did he hear it moving as he snuggled into the covers.
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140,547 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
I'm addicted....addicted i tell you! TEll me what happened next! I loved it...i think there might be a better way to transition to the egg part though...
I'm not sure how you would do it though...maybe do more descriptions....
just an idea...
keep writing though! i love it!
I didn't think it was in the category of Fantasy till it got to the egg. But all in all I would give it thumbs up and say you should continue writing it. And I know how the character feels, I get started on a story and I don't think I can continue or somehow come up with another story.
Why is Fishface and Stag writing nonsense? they should get banned.
First thing's first. Grif is certainly an unusuial name, though it actually doesn't sound unrealistic for modern times. However, it is far enough off the beaten path that new people whom he meets would take note before continuing.
Personally, I felt you were telling far more than showing us the room. You say it's large then list off items. Find a more interesting way to say it. Or, failing that, make it more vague and let the reader fill it in, like calling it a "writer's domain" or some such. The description of the room is rather bland, and so far seems rahter unimportant. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but I did find myself pushing through that opening.
By the way, I have very little idea as to who Grif is. I hardly have any idea as to even his age. You can leave physical description for a while and be fine, but I at least gotta know the generalities of who I'm reading about. From what you say, he could be anything from a high school kid to, I'd say, a guy in his forties. That's a pretty wide range. Then again, the size of the room may indicate that he lives in his own home. Still, if that's true, it's a rather thin connection.
Nice desk he's got. Pretty big.
By the way, I'm not even sure you even need to mention the chair. "Sitting in front of his computer" should be enough, unless the type or quality is an indication of his status that you want to tell the reader subtly.
In the third paragraph, you go from the Beatles to the time of night. The transition in subject is kinda jarring for me.
He's writing his story on a message board first? Seems kind of odd to me.
Sounds like an amateur to me. And this is comming from an amateur (more or less). You should have at least some ideas set instead of flying blind and on a whim. Though it is a good way to introduce a character trait, if that's what you were going for.
He deleted the entire thing!? Man, he's got some anger issues. I'd like to see just how he interacts with people.
While I see you're trying to use forshadowing, and while using actual music lyrics is nice, they're a little too obviously foreshadowing, which makes it stick out a little too much. Mostly because the egg mysteriously shows up practically right after the foreshadowing. Try to be a little more subtle, or put a little more between the foreshadowing sentance and the event you're foreshadowing.
This I felt worked out quite nicely. Simple, short, and attention grabbing. It gets the reader going "hello". You start out so everyday and ordianry (and certainly relatable to certain readers), then you drop this bombshell. Even though there aren't many ways this can go in the immediate future, you catch the reader off guard and so they're not thinking about that. They still want to know just what's going to happen next.
I have a really good idea as to just what is in that egg. And, if my hunch is right, you certainly have a more original story. I'm interested as to where you plan on taking this. If you're not careful, it could still fall into cliche, but I'm sure you're well aware of the cliche risk ahead of you. keep it up, keep it original, and I await the next installment.
very
i think stag is a very good author. who thinks so??
Quite intriguing! My only suggestion would be to maybe not repeat certain words as much...
You say "computer" twice in the first sentence, and then again in the second sentence after it. Maybe, instead of saying "computer chair", you could just say "chair" (since you say right after that he's at his computer), or describe the chair in some other way?
Anyway, I'm interested to read what happens next!
that is a very good poem
Stag-
-20 for posting a poem in the wrong forum.
-40 for posting it in an existing thread.
-100 for being completely ignorant of the rules.
Surreal, Doe, thanks for your comments.
*kicks stag*
Anyway, on the story - all through it I had a smile hovering on my face. The feeling of looking at your story - only to realise it's poor - is a situation that most writers find themselves in. Equally, having too many ideas is another common dilema (and is a problem I'm constantly faced with).
Personally, I think it's kind of obvious what's in the egg.
thjis is a haiku
empty lipstick tube on glass
Wow, compared to your room my own room is quite small but with the same things in it, so as Blob said its a very realistic description.
The egg... I think I may have any idea of what it is, I'll just wait and see if I'm right when you post more.
Nice short beginning I hope to read more soon.
Dusky- I don't think it is technically wrong, since I never change the person being described. I can see how it can get repetitive though. I'll edit it so that it reflects your comments.
Blob- please don't use gentalia in your analogies. Please edit your post.
In general, I'm trying to integrate what I describe with my plot (or vice versa.) To make it more realistic, I actually started with me, just writing the story. It almost is non-fiction, written from a third person omniscient view, except for the last part with the egg.
I'm kind of surprised (although very pleased) that you weren't able to guess what's in the egg. It means I did my job well. I'd tell you what's in it, but that would spoil the next couple of chapters.
Amber egg?
What is it?!
lol.
Anways, as a beginning, this was pretty good. The only problem I had with it was that you don't have alot of sentence structure variation. Most of your sentence run along the lines of "He blank blank and blank." Sometimes it's "He blank, blanking blankly."
For instance:
He felt rather weird as he typed. Most of his posts were reviews or conversation. This thread wasn't either; it was a story. His hands went faster and faster as he got deeper into the story. He faced the problem that all writers have; that of having millions of ideas and not enough fingers to write them fast enough.
Look at how many setences start with "He". It gets a little tedious after reading that over and over.
Besides that, I liked it. I'm hoping there's more... *nudges Grif hopefully*
this is such a realistic remake (exept the wierd egg)of what happens whan i try to write somthing decent, i write thinking im the greatest story-teller in the world , and then it just comes to hault, i read the stuff i wrote and its worse than the diarier of a gay pig.
PS : is this like the biggining of a story or somthing, curiosity is good but it could be strengthend if you give your charecter a deeper discription( to do this i suggest to put him in a situation were his mom or dad want him to hoover and he refueses cs hes tired , or somthing were he talks).