Just a random idea that came to mind, let me know if you think it is worth pursuing
Fires dotted the landscape. They were necessary in the cold mountain air. A large fire was the only thing that distinguished the command headquarters from the other camps. Gathered around it were three men. The first man held himself highly. His uniform was that of a General. His aide, a more cautious fellow, was known as Herden. The final man was very humble and quite subservient, and was marked only by the chains around his wrists.
"You are in for a great show tonight Trustant Ger'lin. Tonight you will witness the first successful attack on an mountain eyrie," The General said to the man in the chains.
"If it does work that way, it would be, Lord General," Ger'lin responded.
"You seem fairly optimistic of the chances of the gryphons surviving the attack, Gryphon trustant," Herden said suspiciously.
"Your forces are quite formidable, but you are dealing with gryphons, not the nation of Arton. They fight differently, depending on the location," Ger'lin said evenly. A horse signaled the arrival of a messenger.
"My lord, your army awaits your command," he said, bowing low.
"Signal them forward," the General said. The messenger bowed again and left in a hurry.
"We were discussing the chances of the success of the gryphons?" Ger'lin asked.
"Yes, they are quite low," the General said smugly.
"Depending on there location. They fight differently here. Where is here anyway?"
"We are near the Pinnacle Mountains," the General was now very annoyed. He had hoped to intimidate the trustant, but this wasn't happening. Herden was less restrained. He grabbed Ger'lin and thrust him against the bunker.
"What do you know that makes you so cocky!?" He yelled.
"I know several things," Ger'lin said.
"SPEAK!"
"You would be better off looking. In case you haven't noticed, your army isn't moving. The messenger that came here earlier is either a fake or dead, though he is probably the former. There is one other thing I know and that is that the mountain gryphons of the Pinnacle Mountain range have a favorite tactic," Ger'lin stopped to breathe.
"WHAT IS IT!" Herden demanded.
"They assassinate the leaders of the army before they launch an offensive," Ger'lin said, before looking up.
A sudden impact was all the warning the Lord General had. The last thing the Lord General saw was Herden being ripped apart by a gryphon.
The Army began the longest night as it attempted to fight the gryphon onslaught, in the dark, without leadership.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hey. This is really good! Good job!
~Lollipop~
You seem to cut short several sentences that could be combiend with the following short sentences in this part. Example - A large fire was the only thing that distinguished the command headquarters from the other camps, and gathered around it were three men. Don't underestimate the use of 'and'.
Description! Show don't tell! Instead of saying "his uniform was that of a General" tell us what it looks like, and suggest why it would be a high-ranking uniform! I have no idea what you mean by the uniforms, if you don't give us any details on their appearence. Example replacement - "The gold epaulettes on his shoulders suggested a high rank, and coupled with the golden buttons and silver lining, the man definitely held a post of great importance." Or something like that.
The build up in the dialogue was good, though maybe a few tweaks here and there would make it a bit more realistic and natural and less sort of scripted than it sounds right now (of course it is scripted, but the skill is making it not appear so)
Need more description! More description! (echo...) Really, really need it. What does the Gryphon look like if they can see it etc. etc. We need more details.
Yeh, generally, I think you could have a story going here. I would certainly pursue it if I was you. Just need more description, generally. Show don't tell is a key rule that you would do well to check on every once in a while. Anyway, you certainly have talent, and I wish you best of luck with future writing.
Not bad. I would definitely encourage developing the idea a little more, though I don't have any siggestions at the moment.
Grammar note:
"What's that?" he asked.
Not
"What's that?" He asked.
You aren't starting a new sentence.
I've been there before, but I left. It is just plain evil.
Any suggestions?
I love gryphons. In fact, I'm working on a book that features gryphons and eastern dragons.
Have you been to Neopets? Check it out. I've got an adorable Eyrie. If you've been to Neopets, just Neomail me. My username is jennydragonlover38.
I think that this is a fabulous beginning for a story!