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Young Writers Society


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Princess of Alderia: Chapter 1 (Draft 1)

by Griffinkeeper


The Castle of Alderia faced East; it's tall turrets rose above the surrounding country to the East, and above the ocean to the West.  Royalty, by ancient decree, had been giving the tallest turrets as residences.  The turrets afforded a lovely view, were impossible to scale, and most important to the designer, they received sunlight before the rest of the city below.

Alderian royalty found it easy to be early risers and Princess Ria of Alderia was no exception.  As the sun's rays climbed over the mountains to the East, she had already dressed and was at the balcony.  The city was quiet, but it was already showing signs of activity below.  She could see the wagons carrying food into the city from the fields nearby.  Smoke was rising from the bakeries and blacksmiths.  From her perch high above the city, Ria was able to reflect on how the city worked and think about the day ahead.

She had a lot to think about.  Today was her eighteenth birthday and that made her eligible for marriage.  Nor would it be long before she had to entertain suitors.  Indeed, they were already on their way; some were even in the city itself.  Alderia shared borders with six other countries, not to mention the wilderness of the mountains in the East.  Each of the six were interested in wooing Ria; because Alderia was rich and Ria had no siblings.  Indeed, Alderia had prospered and avoided war for so long, because their rivals had high hopes that they could achieve through marriage what they could not through force of arms.

The time was quickly coming where she would have to make a choice and if she chose incorrectly, it could spell disaster for her people.  Once Ria had read a cheap novel about a Princess that fell in love with a pauper who had saved her Kingdom.  She read it once, then tossed it off the balcony.  She had known that her fate would be with one of the other six countries since she was a little girl.  No pauper would save her Kingdom, not while Princess Ria had the power to save it herself.

Once again, she turned her attention to the town below.  In one of the streets, she spied a mother with her child.  The child was looking up at her.  Ria smiled and waved; and the child also began waving.  The waving must have caught the attention of his mother; because she turned, grabbed his hand, and continued up the road.

Her morning made, Ria returned inside.  She walked through the door to the balcony and froze.  Someone was in her room.  A black shadow was in the center of the room; but even as Ria observed it, streaks of light would arc through the blackness, like lightning during a storm.  The shadow was in the shape of a sphere; but floated.

Ria reached into her dress and felt the hilt of her dagger.  She didn't know what it would do to a shadow; but it gave her the courage she needed.

"What are you and why are you in my bedroom?" she growled.


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Points: 240
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Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:37 am
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ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, Griffinkeeper! Wow, it's impressive how many reviews you've done! Well, I saw this in the Green Room and thought I'd check it out! I apologize for any typos as I am writing this review at 1:20 in the morning. (Why? I dunno...)

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> Typically, I'm not a fan of Princess type stories. This one however seems rather interesting to me. I know that this is a first draft, so I understand its not completely up to snuff. There were some things I thought I'd mention that stuck out to me.

I. The first paragraph/sentence. You've set up the setting, which is important, but it's not particularly the best for a first sentence/paragraph. It's important info, don't get me wrong, it's just not the most interesting, for lack of better words. An important thing to a first paragraph is grasping the readers attention, and currently this isn't do a great job at that. It's a good paragraph that I wouldn't want to see deleted, I just think maybe it'd do better if perhaps it was put later on (maybe when Ria looks outside, I dunno), and have the first paragraph be more strong. I think that maybe the second paragraph could possibly work as the first.. Of course this is all just my opinion though, and others may see it fine as is. :)

II. This should probably go under characters, but I wanna write it while I'm thinking about it. I personally don't feel like we got to know much about Ria as a person. Some things are told to us, but it would be nice to see things shown to us as well. Perhaps some of Ria's thoughts would be a nice addition, for example. Or maybe something that shows a bit of her casual movements, like pushing hair out of her face absentmindedly (that's a bad example, but maybe you get what I'm saying. Like show some of her "quirks", maybe tapping her hand against her leg.) These things just help readers get to know Ria a bit better.

III. This isn't a big thing, but I thought I would still mention it.
Ria reached into her dress and felt the hilt of her dagger.

So, I know that there is currently men practically fighting for her in a way, but I still found it a tad odd that she carries a dagger. Well, odd isn't the right word. I just wasn't expecting it, ya know? Maybe adding a bit about why she keeps it in more depth, like feeling unsafe, would help. I dunno, this may just be me.

Overall, this is pretty good!


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> I sorta talked about characters up there in plot... Other than I what I said there I don't think I have anything else to say.


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 "> I don't think I noticed any!


Have a great day! I hope I didn't come across blunt at any point.

~Myth :D






Thanks for the review Myth!

Normally I'd prefer an action in the first sentence, but quite honestly, I wasn't sure what kind of action a Princess would have that would catch the attention of the reader. When I was writing this, I was interested in introducing the circumstances she was under; which probably dominated the focus here. Do you have suggestions for actions that might be more eye-catching?

Because she's alone during this scene, it is difficult to do anything other than tell. Having it show up in dialogue is my favorite trick, but everything about her situation is obvious to her and anyone likely to be around her. The last thing I want to write is some maid-princess scene; nor do I want a moping princess soliloquy. Perhaps I can insert some humor into this.

I gave her a dagger, because she's royalty. It's considered part of their wardrobe; because you never know who is going to try to kidnap/kill you; or when. That said, it is kept concealed, unless there is a threat.


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No problem! Thank you for posting it and letting me review it! :D

Hmm. Unfortunately I don't have any ideas, but I'll keep that in mind and if think of any I'll come back and post them.

For the other things, I totally get what you are saying. :) Have a Great Day!



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Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:23 am
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yizhongt wrote a review...



Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. I must say you have a really good story in your hand. It was an enjoyable read. The way you have built your whole world so far is excellent. I can clearly imagine Alderia and how it looks like in my head. The only problem I see is that it is too short. I wished it was a bit longer.

Spelling and grammar wise, I see no problem and your choice of words are good. The story also flowed very nicely. The appearance of the black sphere at the end is a great hook. I now want to know what it is, and what it wants with the princess. Can't wait for the next chapter to be released. Please PM me when you release the next chapter. Until then, keep in writing !






I'm glad you enjoyed the piece.

Looking at what I've written, I do agree that it is too short. One of the tricks I employed was leaving out a lot of descriptions when it came to the city. Readers have a tendency to fill in details in their minds eye. In updated drafts, I'll try to add extra details; such as flags, guards, and color to help set the stage.

You might end up waiting a bit before the next chapter comes out; would you be up for reviewing the next draft?



yizhongt says...


Of course. More than happy to review the next draft.




It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey