Chapter One
I once thought I knew fantasy. I knew what a necromancer was, I could say all the Harry Potter spells backwards and forwards. I understood the effects of energy magic and spell magic. C.S. Lewis, J.R.R Tolkien, and Mercedes Lackey; I just ate their novels up.
So I did the natural thing and tried to imitate them. Easy right? Wrong. It turned out that there was no way I could adapt their styles. It wasn't like I didn't try either. I read their books, I used their fonts, I even went out of my way to find out what toliet paper they used. Please don't ask, it is a really embarressing story.
Before I continue I suppose I'd better introduce myself. The name is Dixon, Mandrake Dixon, license to kill, etc.
All right, so maybe that wasn't funny, but that is my name.
Anyways, I was up at ten trying to finish my story. It was going slowly as usual. You know how sometimes you're writing and then you come across something where you don't know how your character would react? That happened to me last night. When that happened, I went to the one person who actually could help me: my sister.
Don't laugh, she is really great for this stuff. I told her my problem. I probably should have waited until the morning but being the idiot I was, I wanted help now. She quickly dismissed me with the vague statement, "Just think of what your character would do." At least, that is the general gist of her statement, it was a little more colorful than that, but I digress.
I tried to imagine what my character would do but eventually I grew frustrated. I decided to sleep on it and try again in the morning. It was summer and I didn't do anything most of the day anyway. Since it was nice and cool, I kept the window open during the nights.
I had gotten in bed and closed my eyes when...
THUMP!
The entire house shuddered as a scream rang out. A dull thud down in the backyard ended that scream abruptly. I was almost surprised that my family hadn't heard it, but we Dixons are known for being heavy sleepers. It is a rumor that my Uncle Harvy died because he didn't hear the smoke detector. At any rate, I wasn't particularly surprised that no one else woke up.
What I saw when I went to the window was surprising, to say the least. What I saw was two people on the ground, next to a Raptora Panthera or a gryphon for those that aren't so fantasy-oriented as I am. The two people were having a most peculiar argument. Thankfully, I missed most of it because I was busy staring down at the big dent that the gryphon must have made in our house. I don't know why, but I felt myself drawn towards them. So I did the stupidest thing I could have ever done; I climbed out the second story window and climbed down.
They were still arguing as I landed.
"I told you not to fly so low," the woman said.
"No you didn't," the man said. "You screamed, 'Look out!" and then covered my eyes!" They continued to argue.
My attention was fixed on the gryphon. It didn't look seriously injured, just dazed. It was the very thing you'd expect from a bird except instead of hitting a glass window, it had hit the side of my house.
At that point, I decided that I wasn't satisfied with just doing one dumb thing that evening. I decided that the gryphon was just like those wrestling referees on TV; all they needed was water splashed on them.
The couple was still arguing as I went to get the garden hose. I turned on the water and sprayed the gryphon with water. It revived quickly so I turned off the water. At that moment it turned and looked at me. No, looked isn't the word, stared is more appropriate. Everything was suddenly quiet, even the crickets had stopped chirping. The couple had stopped arguing. It took me a second to realize they were all staring at me.
"Who are you?" it asked me.
It was at this point where the mess really began.
End of chapter
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I think Snoink was a little harsh but suppose harshness is needed to be a good critic! I think your narration was good apart from a few mistakes that i won't go into.You need a lot more description though! For example you said there was two people, a man and a woman but you didn't describe them at all.
You claim to know everything about Gryphons, no? When you are writing assume that the person who will be reading your story knows absolutely nothing about Gryphons and describe the Gryphon in your story!
Your idea is great as is your narration. I sincerely hope that you continue this story(if you already haven't!) but like i have already mentioned, you need to work on your description and perhaps your grammar.
"Besides, Harry was miserable before everything went his way. This guy will be uncomfortable and everything is being twisted around and upside down. That is probably more for the second chapter though."
Very true, I shant judge a book by its first chapter, hehe.
The image you presented with the splashing water was perfectly done, dont get me wrong!!!
The only thing is, people arent familiar with referees getting knocked out and revived. Its a wrestling thing, you dig?
All you need to do is change it to soemthing like (or exactly) this:
I decided that the gryphon was just like one of those wrestlers on TV; they just needed a little water splashed on them.
It makes it more general, and im sure everyone can picture a wrestler getting splashed with water and revived. The referee made it confusing and brought up to many pictures of too many referees in different games to make the image clear.
Anyway, keep it up, hope you enjoy my suggestion, haha.
Yes, the gryphon talked. The referee bit was the closest thing the character to compare to the effect the water had on the gryphon. For those who aren't familiar with the fake wrestling on TV, the referee usually is knocked down, then the bad guy does some cheating, then he revives the ref and wins.
Imagery has never been my strong part, how could I make it better? An example would be very good for me.
As for the cliche part...
If this were a traditional frilly fairy tale, the gryphon would have gracefully descended in his backyard, with the two riders beckoning him to fairy land. Instead the gryphon runs into a house while the two occupents do nothing but argue.
Admittedly, I am a sucker for magical travel and adventures. Don't be too alarmed, I've been sufficently twisted enough to be more inventive.
Besides, Harry was miserable before everything went his way. This guy will be uncomfortable and everything is being twisted around and upside down. That is probably more for the second chapter though.
i really enjoyed reading that, didn't study it in depth so i didn't detect any errors. but can't wait to read more.
I can't add anything to what your sister already edited, so excuse the rather lacklustre response in that department.
I do, however, agree with Ari. This could fall into the clutches of cliche (no sirens from the cliche police quite yet, though). And do you really mean that your character isn't surprised by a fantasy creature landing in his yard? Personally, I'd probably die of shock, or something to that extent. If he isn't supposed to be surprised, why is he not surprised?
I do like your writing, and would like to see more of this.
oh, I just saw this, so to nit-pick
just seems wordy to me.. mayhaps "A dull thud in the backyard cut short a scream that rattled the house" ok, not the best example by far, but I think you get the idea.
Also.. you used arguing a few times.. I would try describing the couple's reactions to each other, just for some difference in dictation.. subtle, but effective (unless they are peripheral characters and are supposed to be rather one dimensional, then it works as is).
ok, I'm done nit-picking for now (unless you'd like me to continue, that is).
At the end you wrote.
"Who are you?" it asked me.
Is that supposed to be the griffon talking?
And why is the griffon like a wrestling referee? dont the referees usually DO the splashing? Making Dixon like the referee.
They edited your grammar fine and well, but didnt edit it to make sure it made sense.
There is pretty much no imagery or explanation of setting. Sometimes thats good, but you need to think about the fact that some of your readers dont know what a giffon is. Or they do, but have no idea what ones supposed to look like. You also did not describe any of the characters major or minor.
I am intrigued by your story, but the story itself is seeming eerily harry potterish. An ordinary boy thrust into a world of magic and fun. You need seomthing really original to get people hooked. SO work on that I think, and the rest will come.
Keep the good stuff comin!
I think Snoink covered all the technical stuff... LOL...
But just in general (this is Areida going out on a limb, okay?) I didn't really like it. I seemed kind of cliched to me. You know... a kid is in love with a fantasy world and all of a sudden, a part of this world just drops out of the sky! What an adventure he will have!
Sorry... it just seems like it's been done.
I really liked the story and I do think Snoink got all the technical stuff so i'll work on the plot.
I think you should explain more just Why your character prefers J.K. Rowling, and J.R.R. Tolkien stories? Also, don't write it so inside the head of the Dixon kid. its good to be in the characters head (especially when you are telling the story from the characters point of veiw) but try to lay off the "oh, that was a bad joke" lines. Also, give the sister more background. Why is she really good at this king of stuff? What kind of expirience does she have? I'm guessing your story is based in modern day times yet has mythological creatures incorporated within it. So it is normal to see a griffon or something right? Well, that was my conclusion. Also, why does the kid want to wake up the griffon? Why do they all stare at him after he does? Also, this is much too short to be a full chapter. My suggestion: Enter a few times at the end of the story and do a flashback sequence that sort of explains the day before or something then start a chapter two that will flashforward to whatever happens after they look at him. If you aren't really understanding this then tell me and I will clarify.
I'm glad you said that Fool, because now when I say it didn't really appeal to my sense of humour all that much, it seems like a personal taste thing and nobady goes off in a bad mood. Now I'll say it, because you can see it's just a personal taste thing: it didn't really appeal to my sense of humour. But it was entertaining, so I enjoyed it anyway.
I don't think I can really add anything to Snoink's critique though.
That started off really well (reminds me of Animorphs...). But then the ending... it left some to be desired. Mainly because your characters doesn't seem to find it too odd that a gryphon has just landed in his garden...
I think Snoink caught all the error's. I enjoyed reading it and it made me giggle at some points, it appealed to my sence of humour. This is going somewhere, would like to read the next chapter, good cliffhanger ending to this chapter.
I thought this was really good. I don't think I have any critz. Looking forward to next chapter!
Er... does anyone else have any comments?
I've edited it according to your recommendations Snoink.
At that point he is still in his bedroom. He hasn't climbed out of the window yet.
THEIR! It's their, dammit!
Little tip...
They're = they are
There = Look over there - you can tell this is the proper word because it has a here in it. If you can substitute the word here into the sentence (Look over there, look over here), then the proper spelling is "there."
Their - Possessive. A good way to remember this is who is possessive about their goods? The heirs of the family!
Lame, I know, but it works.
You have confusion over the possessive their this time. Also, it needs more description about their styles. Why were they so hard to adapt? Expand a sentence or two on it. Otherwise, the name introduction seems really lame.
Little known fact: it's all right. The only common word used where the two words are combined is "already." Don't ask.
Oh... shitzer!
"...it was a little more colorful than that, but..."
Usually you put a comma before "but." Especially "but I digress."
And at least the sister isn't me!
Griffinkeeper: "Can you critique my story?"
Snoink: "Well... no. I'm busy coding a website."
Griffinkeeper: "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
Snoink: "It's after midnight!"
Griffinkeeper: "Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
*sighs* I am a sucker.
This is one of the most common spelling errors of all time. It's "frustrated."
How about, "I had just gotten into bed and closed my eyes..."
You have got to learn how to describe something without using sound effects. This time it's okay, but usually you overdo it to the point of annoyance.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh wait... I wasn't supposed to be the one screaming, eh?
Lemme put it this way: IT BOGGLES THE MIND!
While this house is shaking for precisely one minute, a second later (of the house shaking?) a scream starts and then stops.
Or!
While the house is shaking for precisely one minute. After this shaking stops, a second later there is a scream.
Who knows what you're trying to say?
Dixons. It's Dixons.
The first sentence does not start off right. Think like a poet. Burned to death conjures the image of Joan of Arc. Or something. You have to choose your words carefully, and that word choice is poorer than usual. And then I loathe that fragment sentence.
Too many words. A better choice would be: "What I saw when I went to the window was surprising, to say in the least."
Always capitalize scientific names.
Now your sentence structure gets lazy. I'm not sure why. I know you're going for the conversational style, but there is too many words that are getting in your way to flow properly. Try, "There were two people on the ground, next to a Raptora Panthera (a gryphon, for those who aren't so fantasy-oriented as I am)."
Or!
"There were two people on the ground, next to a Raptora Panthera, otherwise known as a gryphon, for those who aren't so fantasy-oriented as I am."
Oh, remember those hyphens. When combined, it becomes an adjective.
Er... how is he still in the house then? That was my first thought. You need to describe what condition the house is in.
You don't have enough commas. "I don't know why, but I felt myself drawn towards them." Remember the thing about the buts.
A use of a semi-colon might be very good here.
ARGUING! They were arguing!
YES! YOU DID IT! *gives a big smoochie*
Eh...
The sentence would look better like this: "No you didn't," the man said. "You screamed, 'Look out!" and then covered my eyes!"
It's obvious that he is already defending himself. Besides, "...the man defended himself" just sounds awkward.
Also, quotes within quotes are with onle a single quote thingy. Like: '
The two last sentences would be better combined: "It was the very thing you'd expect from a bird, except instead of hitting a glass window, the gryphon had hit the side of my house."
I hate everything about this sentence. It seems really corny, without any purpose.
Stop saying stupid!
Semicolon instead of colon.
The last sentence is awkward. Too many subjects.
The last sentence is a run-on. Either hook it up with a semicolon or make it a fragment.
This paragraph reminds me of the Spanish exercises we were given. "Sort out the paragraphs in the correct order!" It seems like you chose the wrong order. Delete or move around sentences to make the paragraph better.
Aha! The classic cliffhanger!
My story was better.