Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Darkness was all Xezbeth could see, but he knew he wasn't dead, but awake.
"Hello, anyone there, hello," he whispered. He then heard a sigh,
"Yeah, we are both here and we are restrained, that girl was no joke, I'm surprised she didn't kill us," Mara responded.
"Oh, about that, you guys were saved by some powerful righteous named Ariel, he healed you guys up and everything, and if you think Gideon and that girl were bad, this guy is way bad ass man, we really stand no chance."
Midday then proceeded to sigh herself and say, "Oh great, there is three of them, and I thought Gideon was too powerful to travel in three, he has two other assholes with him, and," before she could continue, Xezbeth interrupted.
"Did they blind us or something because I seriously can't see anything?" Midday let out another sigh, this time one that was bigger.
"I'm guessing they blind folded us Xezbeth, we aren't blind smart ass."
"Well ok, sheesh, no need for the attitude," Xezbeth responded.
"Sorry, it's just It's frustrating that we are held here captive, we got our asses beat, and we don't know where we are going or what's going to happen," Midday responded.
A lightbulb then flashed in Xezbeth's head as he remembered something, "about that, they are taking us to see Raphael." Mara and Midday paused, and then the place went quiet.
"Raphael, what the hell is going on," Mara said.
"We are going to have a painful death, that's what's going on," Midday exclaimed.
"Where the hell are we anyway?" Xezbeth questioned. Mara then answered,
"Judging from us rocking back and forth, we are probably in a van, god Xezbeth you're slow."
A few minutes later the vehicle stopped, and moments later the doors opened. The trio were led into a mansion, a black one in the middle of no where that appeared to be seven stories. The three were then led into an elevator, where they stopped on the seventh floor. They then were taken in front of a slender man on a chair that was about four feet, with a crown on his head full of golden angels and ten golden rings, one for every finger. He sported a suit and had wings coming from his back, making the suit look customized, and he had two white gloves covering his hands.
"Are we there yet?" Xezbeth questioned. The three were then kicked in the back of their knees, causing them to hit the floor knee first. The blindfolds were then taken off of their eyes as the trio witnessed who was before them.
"We have them here Raphael," one of the guards present said. Raphael smiled, as he picked up his glass of red wine and drank a sip. "Good, perfect, I have been looking for you guys for awhile. I was told two of you killed Michael, so to my suprise there is another one of you." Raphael was about to continue before he was interrupted by Xezbeth.
"And to my surprise there was another one of Gideon's partners, we all get surprises don't we." A guard then proceeded to slap the back of Xezbeth's head.
"Ah, we have a fresh one here. By the time I'm done with you, you will believe, all three of you will. You see, I'm not like my father, or God as you guys call him, I'm not fickle and my mind doesn't often change. My goal is simple, to give you sinners a chance and offer you redemption. I don't kill a whole planet of people because I realized I made a mistake or because you guys are going bad, I don't smite everyone that doesn't do what I say, and I especially don't show mercy on humanity out of no where when I should of done it before."
Raphael's voice grew as he finished his tirade. He then calmed down and sighed as he proceeded. "I'm not here to kill you three, I only want information about your headquarters and everything you have to offer, I'm offering you redemption, all you have to do is give me what I want. Now, tell me your abilities and how you access them. Starting with you to my right."
Raphael then pointed at Mara who responded back, "You don't have to know anything, because we aren't telling you. My ability, how about you let me go and let me test it out on you." Raphael eyes glowed as he started to show a huge grin.
"We have a rude one here, bring him to me, I'll find out about his powers myself," Raphael said.
The guards brought Mara to his knees in front of Raphael as Raphael got up.
"Oh boy," Ariel said as he shook his head. "Ha, I love this part," Galgaliela said as the two watched in the back of the room.
Raphael then proceeded to take off the glove on his right hand. He then closed his eyes and placed his right hand on Mara's head and within seconds red veins popped out of Mara's face as Mara began to scream in agony. Raphael then began smiling, and Mara's eyes began to glow bright, with light flowing out. Midday and Xezbeth looked in amazement and agony, feeling for Mara's pain, as the red veins in his face began to expand, especially at his forehead. Mara's mouth then began to fill with beams of light, and at that moment, Mara's screams became at its loudest, engulfing the room along with the sound of the beams of light exiting his eyes and mouth, leaving an aura of amazement and agony. Seconds later Raphael stopped and lifted his hand, causing Mara to fall to the ground unconscious.
Galgaliela then clapped, "beautiful, beautiful," she said as she giggled.
"Ah, he can control one's dreams, put them into a nightmare with just a placement of his hands on your face, specifically one's eyes. Guards make sure his hands are glued together," Raphael finished.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello, GeoCha, Wolf here for a review.
Since I haven't read previous chapters, I may ask questions which answers have already been given. Bear with me.
So, the one big thing that really bugged me is all the commas everywhere, especially on the dialogue. Usually, dialogue is like regular narration in punctuation terms. With that being said, almost every single comma that is in the dialogue probably needs to be a period. People don't talk in run-on sentences, otherwise they would suffocate from talking so much. Sure commas indicate pause, but periods are much longer pauses, normally where speakers take breathes.
Another thing, remember that whenever there is new dialogue, a new sentence must be started. For the most part you do a good job of staying on top of this, but in some spots it overlaps and I kind of get confused on who says what.
I do agree with magpie in the sense that you should mix together the dialogue, action, and description. Also, I feel like this chapter moved way too fast. First they were in a van, and a paragraph later they were in front of the villain. What? Draw some things out. How did X feel the entire can ride? Was he sick? Tired? Add some emotions in there.
The action scene at the end I assume was supposed to be intense, but it kind of felt drab to me. There wasn't much emotion in the narration and it was more of telling rather than showing. Show not tell is a super important part of writing and you need to work ok that.
Still, the topic seems kind of interesting, with them having powers and all. I wonder what Raohael means by his father being God, but that is for another time. Anyways, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hello, GeoCha! I'm here to rescue your work from the Green room!
Uhh. You can't see darkness because our eyes detect light bouncing off of things, and darkness is the absence of light. So I'd rephrase that. It sounds funny. Also, I find it hard to believe that Mr. X couldn't feel the blindfold over his eyes. You can feel that if you can't see because it has to be fairly tight if you can't see a thing.Obviously I haven't been with this story from the beginning, so I won't pick on the plot, as I don't have enough background info to go off of. That means I'll focus on other aspects in my review.
I feel like you should change the balance of things. For the most part, it was a big chunk of conversation, then a big chunk of description, then another big chunk of dialogue, then another chunk of description. I suggest that you mix them in with each other in order to create a sense of balance, and not dump too much of one thing in the reader's brain at once. For example, you might want to mix in the description of Raphael with the action of the guards removing their blindfolds. It would also keep the reader more in the moment than just describing him before the characters see him.
Your characters seem pretty emotionless. Make sure you're adding in reactions to situations, otherwise it's a little weird.
You use then A LOT. Seventeen times in the document, and they're all after a pronoun, noun, or proper noun. He then. She then. Midday then sighed. Take out all of the thens. There is no point for them to be there, and it puts the piece into passive voice, which is often avoided. The sentence makes just as much sense without the thens.
I suggest you find someone who is good at grammarly type things to proofread this for you. There is a lot of punctuation that needs to be changed.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy review day!