Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Galgaliela aimed the fire at the trio as it was released at full power. Before it engulfed the room however, a man with a short haircut and golden robe reflected the fire back into Galgaliela's arm with a shining hand.
"Galgaliela, please stop, I might just have to subdue you if this anger continues, we have a mission," the mysterious man said.
"Fine Gibril, just let go of me, I hate your counters and reflections, you and Ariel always ruin the fun," Galgaliela said as she once again became furious.
Gibril then continued, "You act up again, and I will release my horn on you, trust me Galgaliela, I'm not afraid to use it on an ally if I deem them too reckless."
Galgaliela's eyes dilated as she released her furious tension and bent her head down as Gibirl let go of her hand and shooed her away.
"Wow, another powerful bad ass, looks like we really stand no chance," Xezbeth said as he began to sweat frantically.
"No worries, I am part of the elite group of righteous, normal abominations like you stand no chance, it's just reality," Gibril said as he walked off.
"Elite, so there are elite groups in the righteous too," Mara claimed.
"Wow, no shit, looks like these guys are no joke as well, seems like Gideon is looking weaker and weaker compared to these guys," Midday said as she sighed and continued, "this is the end of us right guys?"
"No, it's just the beginning," Xezbeth said with a smile.
"The beginning, you telling us you have a plan?" Asked Mara.
"Of course, just give it awhile, I'm waiting for the perfect time," Xezbeth said as he bent his head and closed his eyes, with his hands glued together in front of him.
"Are you seriously praying, hahaha," Midday laughed.
"No, I'm just trying to sleep."
Asag
Asag arrives at the sea, not too far from his headquarters. He then proceeds to look around and notice no one is there. He then looks across the sea, and then calls out a name.
"Dagon show yourself, I need your help."
Asag waits and waits, for about what came to be ten minutes, no one appeared so he then decided to leave.
"What a waste of time," Asag said as he turned around and began to step towards the opposite direction. Just then, a great hand made of water comes towards Asag and grabs him throwing him into the sea itself. As Asag fell in the sea, he was surprised he could breathe, and noticed he was protected by a water shield.
"Now this is impressive, why can I even breathe in here."
Dagon, a buff man about 6'1 with long white hair and a skinny white mustache, with a golden crown on his head and a golden stick, then began to speak.
"I can fuse my water with anything from the outside through absorption, it makes for a perfect shelter."
"Nice, I knew there was a reason why I came to you," Asag said as he got up, his head almost reaching out of the water shield.
"What do you even want, you know I want no part of this war, I rather stay in the sea, and rule it, somewhere I belong."
"Listen Dagon, I was told by Belphegor to set a team, a rescue team for a trio of promising abominations, and I need two people who are really powerful, two people who I could really trust. Please join me, it would be a honor." Asag then extended his arm and opened his hand.
"I rather you bow down to me right now," Dagon commanded.
"Now, you know you aren't that special to me, and I bow down to no man." Asag paused, then reached into his pocket. "I will take you by force if I have to."
"You are in my terrain, my home field, my advantage, don't be as stupid as that mask on your face Asag, I will definitely kill you here." The water within the shield then sprung forth little noodles of water that all entangled Asag, rendering him stunned and unable to move. "I should kill you where you stand," Dagon said as he pointed his stick at Asag.
"Heh, ha," Asag giggled.
"I never knew your death would be that funny Asag."
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hello.
I have not read previous parts of this. I am simply going off what I see here.
Your dialogue is very unnatural, to the point it's distracting. Study IM conversations and see how people speak, and eavesdrop on conversations in public to see how they move.
Right now, everything is said in an extremely straightforward fashion, which is not how people speak. We always have a reason for speaking, which masks our true intent and means humans as a whole almost never say things in a straightforward fashion. Your dialogue feels like the characters are speaking simply to give information to the reader instead of each other, which really makes them less believable. The reader shouldn't know they're being catered to when they read. These two articles go into more detail on that topic.
There is also how they speak in nearly perfect grammatical sentences. Real people do not do that, and the article I linked goes into more detail. One thing that really stuck out to me was the overuse of names, which people just do not do unless they're trying to hold power over the other.
Finally, you really only use words in the whole dialogue exchange. This is what's known as talking heads, which is bad both because it's difficult to follow along two people talking, and because it removes all opportunity to characterize via body language. Only about 7% of meaning is given through words themselves, which means that no body language basically robs your dialogue of all meaning. How the words are said is just as important if not more important than what is said. "Thank you" can be menacing or sweet, depending on body language.
Overall, your dialogue needs a lot of work for this story to be solid.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Alrighty there GeoCha, looks like you the peeked interest of Ossum the Possum headed your way and well, Possum never leave well enough alone. So, I haven't read any of the other pieces just yet, which I most likely will now that I have read this one. But I will say this as far as novel's go.
And someone like that, getting dragged through the water, the sea. Is he soaking wet? Is he wearing leather? Water and Leather don't mix, so that would be something to not only bring your character to life, but to define just how much tension was in that bubble.
As a novel, this piece has both it's good and bad qualities. They do not have bad qualities to say that you did not write a good piece, it is that, in a sense it is all happening to fast. While a reader reads a novel they want to be there, feel everything and know everything. As a reader you kind of want them to feel, sense, and understand as your characters understand. One of the comments earlier stated about the emotion. And that is true, I don't know the whole story but that is something that can be definitely elaborated on.
And by elaborated, I mean to the max. Novel's are all about the detail. It is different from poetry or lyrics or even short stories in most cases because the reader wants to feel apart of the action. And details are different here then any other place in literature. *Personal Opinion of Course*
In poetry, you give details to get a certain point across. This is true in Novels, but it Novels you also use it to bring it to life. A poem without details can still be a masterpiece, but a novel without them usually is only a glance over. This book, it written in what I like to call a spotlight mode. Like a play, the spotlight goes to one actor, then the next, scene change, spotlight action. Words come, you get to feel emotion, and then cut scene.
What readers want is a stage mode. Where as the spotlight is Asag, what is he feeling? Not just towards Dagon, but in just the few short sentences that transpired, I figured Asag is a bit of a cocky butthead.
Details, such as the touching, feeling, smelling, tasting, seeing. I mean even an imagining what you understand, and the reader understands isn't happening, but a character does really brings it in. Because then the reader wants to find out what happens. "Don't they know?! How could they not know?!" That sort of thing. If earlier you explain that Asag loves a leather jacket he always wears, takes care of it like its a child or something right? Then boom, he just gets dragged through the sea like that. As a reader I would be like, "Oh snap... Yupp, Asag just got pissed."
Something for the road of course, but does not mean it is not a good piece.
A tip for writing novels is this. Write the chapter in spotlight mode, as you did here. Then go back and add feeling, then add touch, sound, smell, understanding, a conscience, then relate it to the whole scene. That's what makes a great novel.
Good read, keep it up
This is interesting. In this part:
"Fine Gibril, just let go of me, I hate your counters and reflections, you and Ariel always ruin the fun," Galgaliela said as she once again became furious.
It doesn't really sound like Galgaliela is furious. It sounds like she's just a little frustrated. Please try to emphasize that more. Overall great work, hope you have more in store!
hey, nice to see you reviewing, and thanks for the review, and good point, I should emphasize that more.
Your welcs!