z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Bellum De Hominis Chapter 8- The A Team

by GeoCha


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Outside was nice as the sun was everywhere, and people roamed the streets worry free. Belphegor walked about ten blocks on his cane before sitting on a bench that had a couple kissing and touching next to him.

"Enough of this," Belphegor stated as he put his hand on the lady's back while she was on top of her boyfriend. "Dump him, leave him and never come here again," Belphegor stated. 

The lady's eyes then flushed with red and she instantly got off her boyfriend and started walking away. 

"Babe, come back here," the boyfriend said as he got up and approached her. Upon touching her, the lady slapped him across the face, kicked him between his legs and walked away as the boyfriend layed on the floor in pain. Belphegor then started laughing and slapping his hands across his legs. The boyfriend then got up as he brushed off the damage and embarrasment he had just received. 

"That's funny huh you old fart, how about you shut up before I take that ugly laugh away from an even uglier face," the boyfriend stated.

Belphegor smiled and then got up, "Give me your best shot," he stated. 

The young boy shook his head, "Psh, you aren't worth it," he said as he walked off. Belphegor sat back down on his seat as he looked around, taking in nature. In front of him was a bush, and within seconds it began to light on fire. 

"What the heck," Belphegor said. The bush then sent out a fire ball that hit Belphegor in the face, blinding him. While blind, a message came across Belphegor's mind, a voice telling him something. "Each man could betray that which he loves for power and wealth, some with a kiss, others with gestures," the voice said. Belphegor eyes then began to see and the bush returned to its normal state. Belphegor quickly got up and fell. He was picked up soon after by Asag.

"You ok there boss?" Asag asked Belphegor this as he sat him on the seat. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just thought I heard the wrong thing," Belphegor stated. 

Asag then smiled, "I hope you ain't losing your touch. Oh, you called I heard," Asag stated. 

"Ah yes, I want you to lead a team, a search team for four missing, Midday, Mara, Xezbeth, and one of our DJinn," Belphegor stated. 

Asag's smile quickly went away upon hearing the news, "that's weird, you don't think they could of died, I mean Gideon could of," Asag was then cut off by Belphegor. 

"I have faith they are still alive, and if they are dead, find their dead bodies, something bad is happening, no doubt. I want you to find two others to help you, you guys should be able to handle any righteous, I hope." 

Asag then responded, "Of course, I'm no easy kill you know," Asag said as he stuck out his tongue, that appeared to be that of a snake and licked his lips covered by his stitched up mask. 

"Now go Asag, your ugliness is attracting attention," Belphegor said as he shooed him away. 

Asag then smiled, "you shouldn't be talking," Asag responded as he walked off, leaving all eyes on him from people down the street to the front.

                                                          The Trio

Mara's eyes opened as he regained consciousness.

"Uh, what happened?"

"You got owned dude, like totally knocked out. Raphael put one hand on your head, and your eyes just went bright and everything, I thought you died," Xezbeth said as he tried to seperate his glued hands, but gave up due to no prevail.

"Now what, we went from being a promising trio to being bait," Midday joined.

"Now we wait I guess, there is nothing much we can do, except wait," Mara said as he bowed his head.

Foot steps from down the hall were then heard, which prompted the trio to all take notice as they stared ahead of themselves within locked bars.

"Hey bithces!" It was indeed Galgaliela, as she strolled in front of the trio, smiling. "When Raphel is done with you, I will kill you all for my pleasure, just wait." She then proceeded to stick her tongue out at the trio.

"For someone so pretty, and so young, you are evil," Midday responded.

Galgaliela grew angry and began to scream, her voice becoming deep. "Don't you dare call me evil, I am a righteous, and I follow Raphael, if anyone is evil, it is you abominations, I will wipe you all from this damn earth!"

"God damn, someone pass me a breath mint," Xezbeth said as he shook his head. Mara and Midday then began to laugh in response.

Galgaliela began to pout and then stomped. Her voice once again becoming squeaky she responded, "stop it now, stop laughing, I will kill you all."

"Only thing killing us is your breath, damn," Xezbeth responded as he began to giggle.

"Shut up! Shut up!" Galgaliela screamed but it came to no prevail as the trio still continued laughing. "I will kill you all!" Galgaliela then released fire from her arms, which caused the trio to stop laughing. "Now you stop, haha, it's too late, I will kill you all!" 


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1272 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:09 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I have not read any previous parts of this. I am simply going off what I see here.

It's best when character actions have motive, and the opening of this chapter appears to have your MC lack all motive. What possible reason could he have for commanding the woman to do that, and why did the boyfriend not actually bring up the fact she'd basically been hypnotized?

If you're trying to make a sympathetic character, somebody who does that completely out of the blue is difficult to sympathize with, regardless of how long you've been following that protagonist.

You also have a certain amount of stiffness to your prose. Lots of "he did this. He did that. He did this, now." This is something that does take time to achieve, but once you know about it you can work to improve. Read other stories and see how they build their sentences and string character actions together. Once you get a better flow, the story will be a lot easier to read.

There is also your use of "stated". This is not an invisible tag. It connotes a very exact meaning where a character is being serious, and saying something of fact. When it's just regular dialogue, "said" is a much better tag. It's far more invisible, and allows readers to focus more on the words instead of the tag itself.

Overall, the powers are interesting, but the random Biblical allusion of the burning bush put me off, as did the first character's actions.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:43 pm
porcupinestrongwill wrote a review...



Hello again, GeoCha! Porcupine Strongwill here for to give you a review. I am sorry if I pick on something crucial to the plot; I haven't read any of the previous chapters. Anyway, here I go...

We shall start with the more serious notes first. Later I will show you the technical errors that I think are not that much of a problem to deal with (e.g., typos).

#800080 ">WHAT TO WORK ON

Narration. The flow of your sentences are not smooth. What do I mean by this? Let's take a look at this:

Belphegor walked about ten blocks on his cane before sitting on a bench that had a couple kissing and touching next to him.


This can be revised to something smoother, as:

Belphegor #0040FF ">had walked about ten blocks on his cane before #0040FF ">arrive at and sitting on a bench #0040FF ">where a couple #0040FF ">was kissing#FF0000 "> and touching next to him. #0040FF ">They moved around too much, bumping him, and bothered him.


Now, this is just an example. You can play with it as long as you try your best not to feed too much narration. Be considerate of your reader; don't confuse her/him too much. I hope I'm making sense.

Dialogue tags. There is nothing wrong with using asked, stated, declared, or even, hissed. A variety of dialogue tags can help add drama. But when abused, the opposite happens: it becomes a nuisance.

"Enough of this," Belphegor #0000FF ">stated as he put his hand on the lady's back while she was on top of her boyfriend. "Dump him, leave him and never come here again," Belphegor #0000FF ">stated.


Twice in the paragraph you used "stated" when said would have worked better for both cases.

Another problem I've noticed is you use a comma after a complete sentence that is not a dialogue tag at all to attach a direct quotation. Please take note of how it should be fixed:

The young boy shook his head#FF0000 ">. "Psh, you aren't worth it," he said as he walked off.


Asag's smile quickly went away upon hearing the news#FF0000 ">. "#FF0000 ">That's weird, you don't think they could of died, I mean Gideon could of," Asag was then cut off by Belphegor.


NOTE: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "COULD OF"-- IT'S FOREVER COULD'VE, CONTRACTION OF COULD HAVE.

Picking character names. I didn't like the name "Belphegor"; it is hard to remember and spell. But since this is under supernatural/horror, I believe it is appropriate to choose weird names. Still, I suggest pick something that has appeal to it. Unless, of course, there is some story behind the name that is important to make the plot work.

#800080 ">OTHER NITPICKS

Outside was nice as the #0040FF ">sun was everywhere, and people roamed the streets #FF0000 ">worry-free.


I don't think the sun can be everywhere; but the sunlight can.

Belphegor walked about ten blocks on his cane before sitting on a bench that had a couple kissing and touching next to him.


The lady's #0040FF ">eyes then flushed with red and she instantly got off her boyfriend and started walking away.


The lady's eyes what?

"Babe, come back here," the boyfriend said as he got up and approached her. Upon touching her, the lady slapped him across the face, kicked him between his legs and walked away as the boyfriend #FF0000 ">lay on the floor in pain.


Please review the forms of the notoriously difficult verb "lie."

"That's funny#FF0000 ">, huh#FF0000 ">, you old fart, how about you shut up before I take that ugly laugh away from an even uglier face," the boyfriend stated.


Belphegor smiled and then got up#FF0000 ">. "Give me your best shot," he stated.


Asag then responded#FF0000 ">. "Of course, I'm no easy kill you know," Asag said as he stuck out his tongue, that appeared to be that of a snake and licked his lips covered by his stitched up mask.


Asag then smiled#FF0000 ">. "You shouldn't be talking," Asag responded as he walked off, leaving all eyes on him from people down the street to the front.


Hope I've helped!

Keep writing,
Porcey xoxo

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“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly