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Just a Star

by dalisay



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Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:32 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there Galaxy, I'm here for a short review.

Choice of Theme
So first of all, I'm almost always going to be a fan of space imagery in love poems because what is more incredible than space? Pretty much nothing! And there are so many opportunities for unique imagery and very specific language that one isn't able to use if they were writing with a different illustration. I think you took advantage of the "spacey" theme really well getting those phrases that are unique to space talk (ie. galaxy, gravity, moon, star, milky way).

Formatting
Going to analyze the formatting stuff now:

Your first stanza does a nice job of showing "space" by literally using white space clever. It captures that idea of being kind of alone in a blank world, and just one aspect of a greater whole. The way you placed the letters was just quirky enough that it wasn't distracting or un-readable. Nice work there.

Now after that next stanza, I can't figure out the significance or meaning of having a line being in italics. Sometimes italics indicates a change or transition in speaker, but it seems about the same. I almost think an indent would be better unless there is a specific reason you're choosing to italicize.

Next bit about the milky way, I love how it looks melty on the page like the letters are dripping down. The pun of using "way" in a double-entendre is also clever.

As I get to that very last line, again I can't figure out what possible significance the italics could have. I mean the line is already double indented, and is all by itself -- it's not like we're going to miss it. It almost seems a bit redundant to be emphasizing it that much.

Meaning
Getting to the meaning of the poem, I read this poem as being a description of how the speaker feels they are viewed in the eyes of their love or partner (or maybe even God or the divine?). They feel like they are someone who is inconsequential, but have been chosen (like a star in the sky) and then in the middle portion again the speaker focuses on this aspect of being seen by the person that they love. Lastly in the final portion of the poem the speaker and their love are seen interacting and are portrayed as opposites almost again maybe emphasizing the magnitude and significance of the the partner's love. I'm not sure I understand the last line, it could be a final allusion to the hiddeness that the speaker feels, but I'm not entirely sure.

2 Final Critiques/Suggestions
One critique I have is that I think that the poem gets a bit scattered starting with the line " as your hands, flushed by the sun," (also no need for so many commas in that line). You see before this line the poem was really focussed on this concept of being seen and the speaker making this big comparison to the star. Then the two finally meet but the reader doesn't get to see that moment, and suddenly the star imagery and allusion is forgotten and tossed away for moon and temperature allusions. I would love to see the star imagery permeate the poem through the ending as it does in the first half.

Last critique, I think this line, "through the ends of your telescope" is odd, because unless I'm mistaken a person only looks through one end not both ends of a telescope. So I just had a hard time picturing this.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall, it was a lovely poem with a clear concept and some striking imagery. Well done!

Good luck in your future writing, and do let me know if you have any questions about my review.

~alliyah




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Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:26 am
Sharon1407 wrote a review...



Hi. Sharon here for a short review. The poem is actually very beautiful. The imagery in so few words is excellent. But at the same time I feel like this metaphor or comparison is getting cliched nowadays. I get the feeling that you have tried to express in the poem. It does signify deep love and affection. Still, I personally feel that for this particular poem, you could have stuck to the traditional form of writing poetry instead of that kind of spacing in between words and letters. Again, that too is getting kinda overrused nowadays. For me the best part was the last paragraph. I sure feel that it is an amazing ending to a beautiful poem. Looking forward to read more from you. Thank you :)




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Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:41 pm
Rosella says...



such beauty
much wow




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Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:13 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

I really do love the type of "aesthetic" you are trying to place here. With that, it does bring out the importance of some of the words and even seems to give off that spacey vibe if that makes sense. One of the things I also liked within this is your relate space back to love and I think I've read some poems about that but you seem to break free from that with this type of poem. However, while I do like what is happening throughout this, I do have some small suggestions that I think that could make this poem a little better. One of the things I suggest is ending your ending a little better because it feels as though the knot that holds this whole poem together isn't quite tightened well enough. Basically, you could make it a little bit longer and even go into their lose or something (while yes it is about love and whatnot, it wouldn't hurt to go into the heartbreak someone might feel).

i see your eyes made of galaxies


One of the things I can suggest for this one is just adding a word. It seems a bit less awkward if you add the word 'are' because without it is just improper grammar and kind of jarring when read.

melt me away


Something to make this line seem a bit clearer is adding 'you' because it reflects back to who the narrator is talking about.

Overall, I really do enjoy this poem. The symbolism between space and love has been done in countless other poems but you seem to take it a different route. If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




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Tue Sep 12, 2017 7:58 pm
KayLou1609 wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to leave a review :)

I'll start by saying I absolutely love how you've structured this. It's original, it's quirky, and it completely fits your poem. It's amazing! Well done!

Your poem is very short, so I would suggest you add a couple more stanzas as you've got plenty of room to add more imagery and detail (and I really like this poem and would love to read more, as would many other people I'm sure (and I just rhymed that unintentionally - how ironically poetic ;) )). Plus, the poem switches focus when you start with "melt me away..." so I would suggest adding another stanza before this to help it flow more smoothly into it.

Also, the way your poem is structured as a story, it would be a good idea to use enjambment as it helps to create a more story-like, narrative tone. For example,

you chose to look at me through the
ends of your telescope

"Ends" is quite powerful enough on its own, so starting a line with it will help strengthen the form and structure.

The description is really good, but as I've already said, I would love to see more in more stanzas. Just don't make it too long. The poem works nicely as a short one, but a little extra will improve it a lot.

Overall, I really, really like the poem and idea you have here. I hope my review has helped :)

KayLou1609





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