Reichkristallnacht

Hey forest! Here for one of your reviews!

There, was the synagogue down the street, burning, like a giant candle in the night.

“One,” two, “three!”

Hey there Forest! I'll be reviewing your work today, you can see my suggestions in this purple.

Forestqueen808 wrote:
I smelled the burning before I heard the screams. Okay, good opening line to a certain extent. It's dramatic, yes, but a bit too soon. I think you could start by taking through the end of a dream, and then the "I smelled the burning before I heard the screams." might sound more sudden. I opened my eyes to my dark room, but the lights were on downstairs. There was shouting and my mother screaming… I don't like ellipses (...), my personal opinion of them is that they're an awful writing technique. They're meant to have the effect of a hesitant, thought provoking bit, but they're always used to flow into the next paragraph - as you have done - and they're completely out of place. Replace it with a period/full stop.

I opened the door, crawling across the floor silently. I looked down my staircase, that was when I saw them. I opened, I looked. Okay, this is a problem I sometimes have. You're starting most of your sentences with "I did this..." followed by "I did that..." and it's sometimes off-putting to read. I find you can combat them by writing somethins such as: I opened the door, crawling across the floor silently and coming to the stop of the staircase. Looking down, I saw them. Sounds better no? The Nazis, the spidery brand on their arms like a flickering flame, showing exactly who they were. I like the desciption of that, very original.

“Where are you taking him?” my mother screamed. “We haven’t done anything wrong!” Well punctuated dialogue.

“You were born,” one of the soldiers growled. That's quite a stereotypical view of Nazi soldiers in the war, you have to remember that what they did was perceived as evil and not how they acted about doing it. I think it would be far more individual if you had an apologetic soldier who was taking "him" because he simply had no other choice. You know? Another came to my mother grabbing her arms.

“You’re going with him,” the soldier snickered. “Go upstairs, children are sleeping up there I imagine.” This bit seems like an unnatural piece of dialogue, because the soldier's "I imagine" makes out as though you're forcefully trying to move plot along. You should write, "And check upstairs too!" or something.

“No!” my mother’s voice cried. I stood up and ran into the bathroom, locking the door firmly behind me. The smoke
smell was stronger in here, and I stood up on the toilet, looking outside the window. There, was the synagogue down the street, burning, like a giant candle in the night. Good historical knowledge and simile, but describe it more. Drag out the time, drag out the drama. It'll keep your reader hooked.

Glass shattering seemed to echo throughout the streets and shouts could be heard from the tiny room in which I was encaged. Good vocab choice. “Open up in there!” a voice said and I heard kicking on the door. I looked at the trash can by the toilet, only to see a pair of boots, my father’s boots sitting there. I slipped on the bright blue boots (Are you sure Bright blue is right for context?) and stood on the counter.
Tears were filling my eyes. I was so scared, so terrified, I'd put: "terrified infact" instead, but upto you. what would they do to me if they caught me? Climb out the window, I thought. I looked out the window, the drop was long, but I should be able to make it. That's heroic!

I stepped on the window frame, scrabbling to get out. The bangings on the door were getting louder, and I didn’t think the men would stop there. Eventually they would shoot, not caring if I remained dead or alive. That's a good steep in tension, but it's not spent long enough on. You're story is jumping through plot quite fast and to imagine it with a vague description isn't the best of things. Perhaps add a bit more in. What does the window frame feel like under your gripping fingers? etc.
“One,” two, “three!” Punctuated wrong. Either format One, two, three in italics or put the whole thing in one set of speech marks: "One, two, three!" I counted half in my mind before I jumped, rolling on the grass. Where's the impact? It feels like you've left it out. I couldn’t breathe, all that came out of my mouth were moans. I rolled over to where a plank of wood lay, the wood that was going to be used to make me a tree house. I crawled behind it, closing my eyes and breathing softly. In terms of character, that's one of the best lines. Good emotive portrayal and development. They wouldn’t find me now, I had to be safe.

* * * *

I woke up to the sun gleaming. The shouts had stopped, and all was quiet in the small town in Germany. People would've gathered where you are, you don't have to clutter your line with two "in"s to reassure them. I climbed out from under the board and stood up, my ten-year-old knees wobbling from laying for so long. Good idea of appearance implied here.

I walked to the gate to our backyard and opened it, a horrifying landscape greeting me. Well written. The synagogues, our places of worship were burned. The houses were burned, glass was everywhere. Shops were empty of goods, everything was broken. Okay, I think here would be a good ending. Leave us with the image of destruction, a cliff-hanger that makes us angry, that makes us empathise and feel your MC's pain, you know? You could say as an ending of this paragraph: "Simply because we were Jews." There would be the impact of the short, sharp sentence too.

I walked down the street, the sound of glass breaking was beneath my feet with every tiny step. The synagogue was gone, the base of the beautiful walls were all that remained. This line just seems dragged on and I feel like you're repeating, I'd scratch it.

I leaned against the wall, sliding down. I laid my face onto my knees. Reichkristallnacht had come, The Night of Shattered Glass had lead to destruction of my home. This just makes me ask questions like, is she crying? Instead of leaving me with the image of destruction that you could've done.

Hi, Em. Since this only has one review I'm not gonna hold anything back.

I. NITPICKS

First of all, Reichskristallnacht, is spelled with an s after the c

“Where are you taking him?” my mother screamed. “We haven’t done anything wrong!”

“No!” my mother’s voice cried.

There, was the synagogue down the street, burning, like a giant candle in the night.

I was so scared, so terrified, what would they do to me if they caught me?

“One,” two, “three!”

Shops were empty of goods, everything was broken.

Reichkristallnacht had come, The Night of Shattered Glass had lead to destruction of my home.

“You’re going with him,” the soldier snickered.

Wow! This is great, especially for the escape part. I thought a kid like the lead will just stay at home but instead, he ran out of the house. Are you going to continue this?