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Something More, Something Unique Chapter 5

by DeerInBacPac


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoever perspective it is in! Also, the quotes may or may not relate to the chapter. Two quotes this chapter!  The ending was rushed because I had something to do. 

Chapter 5 - Griffin 

"If you don’t like reading, you aren’t doing it right." - Kara/DemonGoddess  

"We've worked wonders to get here, and we won't panic now. If we're right, there won't be anything to worry about. If we're wrong, we deal with it, as we always do." -Anthony Lockwood 

   "So, what your telling me Nat, is that we have these powers and that this is a completely different world then the one we grew up in?" I asked her while examining my other eye that wasn't like a gemstone. It was a pitch black with a slight rim of blood red on the outside. 

   "Exactly Griffin." she responded, her eye a sapphire blue and seemed like a snakes pupil. 

   She was staring at me, her head cocked like a curious puppy. Her arm was resting at her sides, the other lightly holding onto the other. More of her weight was distributed on her left leg, giving away that she was trying to act like she wasn't nervous. 

   "What?" I asked her, smiling slightly. 

   Blushing till she was a tomato red, she responded. "O-oh, um, ah, I-I was just looking at you, is all. You look like a wolf but your eye... it conflicts with what Mark said. I wonder why. Any who, we should head to the pub, where ever that is. Although, I do hear Grams voice a mile or two away. She seems to be worried about things like me and you." 

   "Hmm, odd." I mumbled and turned around. But why could Nat here things, like distinct voices, from miles away? I would need to find that out as well.

   I hadn't noticed the mirror before but now, now it stood in front of me. 

   I get why she was looking at me. 

   The tattoo of fur was covering my jaw and I could see tufts of it on my hand, while some disappeared behind my sweatshirt. I flung off my shoes, curious as to wether or not there was a tattoo on my feet. There was a tattoo too but it wasn't fur. It looked like chitin. 

   The tattoos looked so real but... what was so special about them? I mean, yeah, they became real but what if you had the power of rotten eggs? Would you just spew them around until the stench coated the noses of those who opposed you? 

   Mine seemed powerful and Nat's...she radiated power. It was coming off of her like she was the moving storm and those around her, the victims. I wanted to cower in her presence but a little voice in my head told me that my power was equal to hers. That she was nothing to be scared of. But the two of us working together, that was something to be feared. 

   She was looking at her hands now, squinting her eyes again. 

   "Why are you squinting so much?" I asked her while my nose began to burn from the stench of sweat and burnt meat. 

   "Aren't the colors all so bright to you? The blues more blue and the white more white? So on and so forth? And the pulses of a persons blood? Aren't they too loud? Isn't all of the noise here too loud for you, making you want to rip your own ear drums out? Can't you tell if a person is going to be sick or that someone is in desperate need of a shower? Can't you tell?" she told me franticly, giving up the admiration of her tattoos and covering her ears with her hands. 

   Her hands, like her face, had scales on them too. Pain was clearly present but then the door to the room was ripped open, the voice of a girl about our age piercing through the room. Nat covered her ears even more, the pain getting worse. 

    A girl and boy stood in front of us, both with long legs and dazzling, jolly-rancher blue eyes. Well, one of their eyes anyways. The girls one eye was a mix of gold and ruby red, swirling around like ink in water. The boys other eye, that was a coral orange. 

    The girl stood in front of use, her tattoo a crown of roses that were tinted with gold. The vines and roses could also be seen along her arms which were bare. The boy, he was a different case. A starfish covered his right eye, as if he was dog with that single spotted-eye. 

   The rose girl screamed at the top of her lungs which made Nat scream at the top of her lungs. The boy and girl both froze then, shock in their eyes. 

   "I-Is she...okay?" the girl asked me while she slowly walked over to Nat. 

   In response, Nat franticly shook her head. 

   "Why? Wh-" the boy began but Nat interrupted. 

   "SHUT. UP." she had screamed at the stranger, the girl slowly walked over and put her hands over Nat's. 

   Her eyes glassed over and I could see her muscles become less tense. I could physical see her whole body relax, her mind becoming tranquil. 

   She sat there for a few minutes, focusing her senses and getting a grip on what just happened. 

   Standing up, she steady herself but fell right back down.  

   "Um, the names Jasmane. Jasmane Wulfer but most just call me J. This is my brother Sulman. Most call him Sully." J said, holding out her hand while Sully weakly waved in the background. 

   "Claric Griffin. The lovely lady behind me is Nayleth Drequinn." I told them, helping Nat up. 

   "Drequinn, Griffin. The daughter of the only human and meta couple, along with the son of the soldiers who left their son." Sully said while flipping through a large book. This book contained hundreds upon thousands of drawings, all of tattoos. Details that related to the tattoo covered the book and colors covered the drawings. Sully began to draw in Nat's tattoos and mine. He labeled both pages before closing the book. 

    "Tavern?" J said, all of us knowing what she meant. 

    Me and Nat slowly nodded our heads, knowing that these were the roommates Mark was talking about. But we both looked at one another, freaked out at the fact that they knew our backgrounds. 

    We walked along the cobble road, our shoes pounding the pavement. Sully had his head stuck in a huge, think leather book, the one that he had written mine and Nat's name in. J was humming quietly while Nat was  her thumbs, her eyes showing that she was thinking. 

   Nat came up to me a bit after walking, curious about my parents. I told her I never knew them and that I wish I had. She nodded her head in sympathy, telling me that she was closest to her father. Her mother wasn't as understanding about her, compared to her father anyways. 

   Shops scattered the long street, some selling weapons and others, charms. One shop, the sign reading Wren's Wriggling Wonders. J told us that that was the place for our familiars. Where we get the needed necessity's. 

   Another thing I would need to know more about. 

   Simultaneously, we all stopped. In front of us sat a rustic pub. The sign read Scales and Hail,  a hail storm painted on the sign. The hail was in the shape of scales. 

   "So, ready?" J asked, her voice holding a note of joy. 

   "Go big or go home?" Nat said softly while opening the door. 

   Here we go. I thought and was engulfed by the smell of ale, sweat and the feeling of pure joy. 

Thank you @Saentiel and @DemonGoddess for the quotes! 

 


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Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:24 pm
IzzyIsHappy wrote a review...



Hey it's Izy!

I finished ittttt!

I am on chapter eight!

I like where this story is going and that these characters are finding themselves in these situations. It is interesting how Nat's senses are hyper developed and how she screamed when she saw Jasmane...*is curious*

Overall, vey good, and I am moving on to the next chapter yayyyy!

On to chapter six!


Izzy




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:54 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Yo, Flumadiddle. Back again for round five. Let's do this *cracks knuckles*.

Nitpicks

"So, what your telling me Nat


1) 'You're', not 'your'. Get into the habit of asking yourself whether you mean 'you are'. If you do, you've gotta stick the apostrophe in there.

2) As I've said before, commas before names in circumstances like this. Same as you have this:

"Have you seen my pen, Lula?"

"Tell me the truth, Rachel."


You would also have:

"So what you're telling me, Nat,

You keep tripping up on this so you really have to look out for it. Look at the layout and punctuation of dialogue in published books and compare it to your own - that's the best way to learn, I think.

"Exactly Griffin." she responded


Close dialogue followed by a dialogue tag with a comma. Speech followed by some variant of he said/she said should never be closed with a full stop. This quote should be written as:

"Exactly, Griffin," she responded.

As with the previous point, I've brought this to your attention multiple times. Do not underestimate my ability to nag about this until it gets fixed! :P

More of her weight was distributed on her left leg, giving away that she was trying to act like she wasn't nervous.


How does putting more weight on one leg suggest an attempt to hide nerves??

Although, I do hear Grams voice


Remember your apostrophes! *Squirts you with spray bottle*

The tattoos looked so real but... what was so special about them? I mean, yeah, they became real but what if you had the power of rotten eggs? Would you just spew them around until the stench coated the noses of those who opposed you?


I get you're trying to go for humour here, but it just seemed a bit...random? The chance of having such a weird power is so slim that it doesn't really tie in with his point at all.

"Aren't the colors all so bright to you? The blues more blue and the white more white? So on and so forth? And the pulses of a persons blood? Aren't they too loud? Isn't all of the noise here too loud for you, making you want to rip your own ear drums out? Can't you tell if a person is going to be sick or that someone is in desperate need of a shower? Can't you tell?" she told me franticly


Okie-dokie, this is definitely a case where less is more. You don't need this much dialogue; it's unusual for people to say so much at one time, so it feels unnatural. If you just had something like:

"Aren't the colors really bright to you? And the noise- it's so loud. Can't you hear it?

It's just an example, as always, but it's a lot more to the point. At the moment, Nat's dialogue seems too flowery and descriptive to be convincingly frantic.

her tattoo a crown of roses that were tinted with gold


I'm confused as to how he could know it's a crown if it's a tattoo. How does he know it encircles her entire head? Wouldn't the girl's hair hide all but the part on her forehead? Unless she's bald, I suppose, but that's not the kind of thing the reader will assume.

"SHUT. UP." she had screamed at the stranger, the girl slowly walked over and put her hands over Nat's.


1) Still not at all a fan of all caps being used for emphasis. Makes me think of bad fanfic.

2) Don't need 'had' because that puts the tense into the past perfect.

3) Comma splice. Change the comma after 'stranger' to a full stop.

the names Jasmane


Apostrophes!! *Squirts you with spray bottle again*

in a huge, think leather book


Think leather? What does that mean?

Overall Thoughts

1) I haven't been as thorough with nitpicks this time because so many of them are clearly due to a lack of proofreading. You need to run your work through a spelling and grammar checker and you need to learn to self-edit if you want to improve your prose. I can comb through your piece for grammar nitpicks until the cows come home, but it isn't going to make any long-term difference unless you learn to spot and fix these nitpicks yourself. Here's a tip: after you finish writing a chapter, change the font style (if you can) and then proofread it. It makes typos so much easier to spot.

2) I'm interested in Nat's hyper-senses and how she's going to manage them in the long run. It's great to read a story that acknowledges the obvious drawbacks of things like super-hearing or super-smell. Most writers ignore that kind of thing, portraying superpowers as 100% glamorous, even though it's a lot more interesting to think of them as having downsides.

3) I was confused by a lot of the stuff that happened in this chapter. Why did Jasmane just randomly start screaming? Why did none of the characters ask her why she started screaming? Why did neither Nat nor Griffin quiz Sully further about what he said about their parents? Your characters are acting completely incurious about everything again.

4) If you're going to write from the perspective of more than one character, you need to make sure that the characters have different narrative styles. At the moment, Griffin's way of telling the story is indistinguishable from Nat's - they don't feel like different characters with different worldviews, which means that there isn't much point in having dual narration in the first place.

Try to spend some time figuring out the different ways that Nat and Griffin express themselves. First-person writing is like acting on paper. In the same way that a good actor can't play two different characters in the same manner, a writer can't write two characters as telling a story in the same way. You have to find distinctive voices for them.

When I'm trying to get familiar with a character's voice, I sometimes write completely aimless things from their perspective. Their opinion on public transport. A monologue about their love life thus far. You could easily write a diary entry of Nat's and then one of Griffin's, thinking all the while about what kinds of words they would use, whether they swear, whether they ramble or cut straight to the point. Just try and figure out what makes them different from each other, and how those differences affect how they talk.

I'm going to call the review here because I really should be getting to bed, but I hope this was helpful. If you start checking your grammar and doing some thorough proofreading, I really think your writing will improve tenfold. I'm still interested in the actual content of the story and I want to know what happens next, but it will become so much more enjoyable to read if you tackle the grammatical problems scattered throughout.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DeerInBacPac says...


Thanks Pan. Yeah, I know about my grammar. I intend to fix it for chapter 6.1 and beyond. Also, look for foreshadowing. I have a ton of it in the next coming chapter.



Panikos says...


Exciting! Looking forwards to it.



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Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:14 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.

"Exactly Griffin," she responded, her eye a sapphire blue and seemed like a snakes pupil.


So, we should head to the pub, wherever that is. Although, I do hear Gram's voice a mile or two away.


Mine seemed powerful and Nat's...{ }she radiated power.


she told me frantically, giving up the admiration of her tattoos and covering her ears with her hands.


The girl's one eye was a mix of gold and ruby red, swirling around like ink in water. The boys other eye, that was a coral orange.


her tattoo a crown of roses that were tinted with gold. The vines and roses could also be seen along her arms which were bare.


Reword this into: "her tattoo a crown of roses that were tinted with gold. The vines and roses could also be seen along her bare arms."

"I-[color=red]is she...{ }okay?" the girl asked me while she slowly walked over to Nat.

In response, Nat frantically shook her head.

"Why? Wh-" the boy began but Nat interrupted.

"SHUT. UP," she had screamed at the stranger. The girl slowly walked over and put her hands over Nat's.


Me and Nat slowly nodded our heads, knowing that these were the roommates Mark was talking about. But we both looked at one another, freaked out at the fact that they knew our backgrounds.

We walked along the cobble road, our shoes pounding against the pavement. Sully had his head stuck in a huge, think leather book - the one that he had written mine and Nat's name in.


J was humming quietly while Nat was twiddling her thumbs, her eyes showing that she was thinking.


Where we get the needed necessities.


The sign read Scales and Hail, with a hail storm painted on the sign.


Here we go, I thought and was engulfed by the smell of ale, sweat and the feeling of pure joy.


Just a side note: in the next chapter you mention how Nat and Griffin is engulfed with a smell and that gets a bit redundant. I get that you see that plenty in books but you need to restrict yourself from doing that.

Suggestions:



"If you don’t like reading, you aren’t doing it right." - Kara/DemonGoddess

"We've worked wonders to get here, and we won't panic now. If we're right, there won't be anything to worry about. If we're wrong, we deal with it, as we always do." -Anthony Lockwood


I would do the Lockwood quote or my quote in a different chapter so you won't have to do several. Also, in your original draft, I really liked that Poe one. Can you use it?

"I-Is she...okay?" the girl asked me while she slowly walked over to Nat.

In response, Nat franticly shook her head.

"Why? Wh-" the boy began but Nat interrupted.

"SHUT. UP." she had screamed at the stranger, the girl slowly walked over and put her hands over Nat's.


Poor boy. Also, you use "frantically" and "slowly" quite often and it makes it a little bit boring to read. Use other words instead.

"Um, the names Jasmane. Jasmane Wulfer but most just call me J. This is my brother Sulman. Most call him Sully," J said, holding out her hand while Sully weakly waved in the background.

"Claric Griffin. The lovely lady behind me is Nayleth Drequinn," I told them, helping Nat up.

"Drequinn, Griffin. The daughter of the only human and meta couple, along with the son of the soldiers who left their son," Sully said while flipping through a large book


Confusing things:



More of her weight was distributed on her left leg, giving away that she was trying to act like she wasn't nervous.


Honestly, Griffin doesn't seem to me that smart to figure out that she was acting. This is a Sherlock Holmes trait: or the ability to figure something out just by looking. Griffin doesn't seem like the kind of person who can do so. It just doesn't fit with his character.

chitin


What is a chitin?

Sully said while flipping through a large book


Where did the book come from?

But we both looked at one another, freaked out at the fact that they knew our backgrounds


Wouldn't Griffin be flipping out even more than he already was since J and Sully knew his parents but he didn't?

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



The tattoos looked so real but... what was so special about them? I mean, yeah, they became real but what if you had the power of rotten eggs? Would you just spew them around until the stench coated the noses of those who opposed you?


This made me laugh.

Sully


**squints**

Image

Overall:



Overall, I liked, like the other chapters, but of course there are things that could be worked on :D keep up the great work!

Give me your soul --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image




DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you for the review. I will fix the things when I can and yes, I plan to include the Poe quote as soon as possible.



zaminami says...


yep :D



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Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:34 pm
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zaminami says...



I CALL A REVIEW




DeerInBacPac says...


*gives another part of soul* yes, all of the reviews. I think there is fangirling but don't quote me on it.



zaminami says...


:D okay



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Sun Nov 05, 2017 3:11 am
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LordTachanka says...



Review time!

As I've been told my grammar and spelling are horrific. So on that note I didn't notice anything grematicly wrong with it.

Well anyway I loved the chapter and can't wait to see more of the book keep it up sweetheart your a great writer.


Peace out.




DeerInBacPac says...


*looks at review and smiles*
*nods head in recognition as Grim does the same*
Sup homie?
*laughs*



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Sun Nov 05, 2017 2:44 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy





"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda