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16+ Language Violence

Something More, Something Unique Chapter 3

by DeerInBacPac


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoever perspective it is in!  

Chapter 3 - Nayleth 

"Well, allow me to put on my skepticales!"- Mabel Pines 

   I stood in front of the old oak door. The knocker was looking at me. The eyes seeming to follow my every move. The knocker was a dragon which was our family emblem basically. We are not one to flaunt our heritage and such. The knocker was really the there for decor purpose and to represent the Talon Side Manor. We have nothing to flaunt at all. Most of the family has fallen victim to depression or insanity. Me?  The scars on my arms prove what I went through. 

   Looking back, Griffin was smiling at me encouragingly. He motioned for me to knock and I swallowed the lump in my throat as a response. Encountering encouraging people had never happened to me. The only one who was was my father. 

   One knock. Two knock. Three knocks. The door swung open and in front of me stood my Gram. Her hair was as silver as ever, unnaturally so. She always tells me it really is just natural hair color. I find it rather odd. Her eyes were still the same turquoise color and her tattoo, which was a key, still held tight to her forearm. 

   The tattoo had been there for as long as I can remember. The key was shaped to her arm, as if her arm was the key. It was made to look old and rusted, as if it was an antique. The skin behind the key was ribbon. Rolls upon rolls of it, seemingly swirling around in some unknown wind. Something about that tattoo though... it never seemed normal. Looking at it sometimes, I could of sworn that the ribbons were moving or it was actually real. 

   She looked me up and down, clear skepticism in her eyes. But then her eyes flitted toward the ring. The last thing my father gave me before I found him on the kitchen floor... covered in.... in... 

   Before I could move,  she grabbed my arm and took my hand. This jostled me out of my thoughts as well. Carefully, she examined the ring but would not touch it. It was like the ring carried a plague of sorts. Something only I was immune to.

   "Soon," she whispered and then she smiled a grin that even the Cheshire Cat would be proud of. 

   "Come on in Dragon, please. Oh, Claric. Lovely to see you too. Its been to long dear." my Gram said, surprising us both. We looked at each other at the same time, shock and wonder filling our eyes. 

   Me, Griffin and Gram strolled through the halls. The same pictures lined the walls, the same smells still lingering through the house like leather, smoke, rain water, lilac, honey and old books. This house, to me, smelled like paradise. It smelled like safety.

   Memories flooded me, like bees attacking a threat to the hive. One was rather silly but it held great meaning to me, even if it was something that baffled me. It really made me think I was insane.  

  The one I remembered though, the most clearly, was of my father showing me what I called Wonder pictures

   The one he showed me that time was of a group of five dragons. One was short and chubby, it's sand color scales slowly turning into fire as the got closer to his tail and snout. It had no horns and his eyes were wide, the color of black sand. The tail, if you were to look close enough, had little tiny barbs on it. The second one was huge, elegant black scales and horns that looked like they belonged to Lord Shaxx from Destiny 1 and 2. Around the horns was something my father called wisps. They had something to with dreams or whatnot. This dragons eyes were piercing and a bright purple that clashed with the rest of it. The third dragon was laying across the other two, its tail curled like a cats. It's scales were a mahogany brown and Caribbean blue. The blue ones seemed like they would glow. Mist was coming out its nostrils as well, while its claws were webbed. The fourth dragon was sitting down, its head resting against the giant, dark dragon. This one was of skinny build, its horns only slight nubs. It eyes were closed like it had fallen asleep and its scales were like a galaxy bath bomb. Purples and pinks erupted across the scales and the claws looked like a Texas night sky. The last dragon was only bones. Nothing else. The wings had some sort of ectoplasm that also kept most of the other bones together but it eyes had literal flames. The color was like a pair of green Nike shorts. This dragon had no horns but its ears were like a German Shepards. 

   Another memory was of me and him on swing set, him giving the ring that I now wore. He had told me that day to never where it until I was in my teens. He never told me why. My father was a rather mysterious man who only told things when he felt they were needed to be told. 

   During that time his hair was slick and just as black as mine. His eyes were a brown too. He liked wearing flannels and jean but you could catch him in a few of my mother sweatshirts like her Green Day or Mayday Parade ones. 

   My mind was whipped back from the memory, seeing my mother stand at the top of the stairs. She was looking at me with round eyes, like a doe in headlights. She whispered something inaudible and then screamed what she had said before hand, at me. 

   Her brown eyes were still alive and well, glistening in the moonlight that drifted through the nearby window.  

   "YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW! THEY WILL COME! THEY WILL KILL YOU!" her voice was loud and she sounded like a banshee. Her finger was pointed at me and Griffin. I was rather confused. Who would be trying to kill me and Griffin? But looking at Grams face, she knew. 

   "Okay, Muluth, go rest. You are so tired at the moment." Gram told her, as if she was a Jedi master and my mother a simple slave. 

    My mothers eyes went glassy and she calmly returned to her room. A bit later I could hear snores echoing through the house. 

   Before me or Griffin could ask questions, Gram swept us up and lead us to the sun room, Angela tagging along. Then I remembered Angela saying something about mom being the real insane one. Not me. If she was, why wasn't she at Ripper?  

   After we were in the room Gram left us and I began to let my thoughts wonder. I was rather curious as too wether or not my fathers study room was still intact. He would go there to relax or catch up on his work. Whenever I would ask him what he did he would reply with a simple grin, telling me it was something special. Something I could not know about yet. 

   Disrupting my thoughts, Gram yelled at the top of her lungs, "THE TARTS ARE READY!" and came bustling out with a huge platter of her famous Bluebug tarts. These damn things are like heaven in your mouth. Seriously, be careful when eating them.  

   As me and Griffin were smushed together on a love seat, us both trying to find a less awkward position to sit in, Griffin chowed down on the tarts but I touched none. I needed to talk to Gram. Something was off. 

   "Um, Gram?" I asked and her head whipped up toward me. 

   "Yes, dragon?" She asked, her eyes questioning me. 

   "Um, normally you would be so glad I was home, per say, but yet you sit here as if nothing happened. As if I was never betrayed by mine own mother and thrown into that hellhole. Do explain why you are so calm and hiding something from me," I quickly told her. 

    She took her time with my question, five minutes at most. While she was lost in her thoughts, I looked around, out the windows and around the room. Angela was busy on her apparent college work, her head now buried deep into her papers and her pencil hurriedly scratching. She seemed to be trying to ignore any and all extra conversation. Griffin was still stuffing his face with tarts, but then something glinted in the moonlight that trickled through the large windows. 

    Gram's necklace. It was an emerald with a leather string keeping it in place. The lovely gemstone was glowing. She looked at the necklace her eyes widening. Then she grinned again. 

    "Calling day," she told us in a sing-song voice. Me and Griffin were both rather confused but then pain shot through my body, in the same places that were aching earlier. 

    I tried to ignore it but it got to the point where I could no longer ignore the pain. It felt as if something was trying to slice through my back. I looked at my arms because the pain was growing there as well. Lines were beginning to inch there way across my skin, forming scales. Out of nowhere my eyes went blank, then my vision returned as quick as I had lost it. My lungs and nostrils felt as if they were burning from the inside out and my head felt as if it was a watermelon being blown up. 

    My Gram stood in front of me, her arm the exact the key that was her tattoo. The ribbons were like the ligaments and veins, keeping the main part connected to her. The key was shaped like her skeletons arm, her fingers were changing from small keys to large keys. Silver to bronze. In front of her was a small keyhole, just floating in midair. Her one fingered turned into the correct key and she unlocked the door. 

    I looked over at Griffin, who was double dover in pain. Something was also slinking it way across his body - it looked like fur. His one eye though... his other eye was almost completely black, with the slightest outline of a velvet red. 

   Looking through the door I saw a town square, a fountian in the very middle. People wandred the streets and some odd five foot snakes slithered around, some wearing leepord print sunglasses. Everyone there had some sort of tattoo that adorned their body and alll had eyes the color of a gemstone. 

   I tried to walk forward to go through the door but I tripped over my feet, landing face first. I did manage to get on my knees but I couldn't stand. My hands covered my ears, the sounds getting more and more jumbled. 

   "Oh-uh. I forgot how much it's hurts, even worse here." Gram said and went to help me and Griffin but as she moved I could hear her blood moving through the veins and the sound of guards at the front of the house, knocking. I could here the wings beats a hummingbird a few miles away.

   I quickly shook my head but then I could hear more and more. A person's footsteps from miles away, their blood pressure rising and their heartbeat rising as well. I could hear the next door neighbor, who lived a two miles away, baking a pie, humming the tune of Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. 

   Griffin hands were covering his ears, his eyes glassy. 

   "This is not normal. not even for a Calling in this world." Gram said and we both blacked out at the same time, the last thing I heard was the neighbor humming the last verse of Welcome to the Black Parade.    

   

       

  

   Thank you to @KaiRyu for the quote! 

   

   

   

   


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Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:12 pm
IzzyIsHappy wrote a review...



Heya!
Izzy here for a review!


I like this, I actually finished chapter four then forgot about this chapter so I came back.

I have one question, why does Gram call her dragon?

And who is Claric and what is his part in this?

I have a feeling I will find out.

Overall, I am enjoying your story, and I hope it turns out goooodddd

I want a good ending! Gimme a twist!!!


Izzy




DeerInBacPac says...


This will be MANY chapters. All I will say is that someone is dying. Someone well, two someones will get together and another someone will... you know what, that one is staying secret.



IzzyIsHappy says...


DON'T SPOIL IT!



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Fri Nov 17, 2017 2:34 pm
IzzyIsHappy says...



"the last thing I heard was the neighbor humming the last verse of Welcome to the Black Parade."

*Get's triggered*




DeerInBacPac says...


haha.



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Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:41 am


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Fri Oct 20, 2017 11:51 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Flumadiddle! Pan back for another review.

Nitpicks

The knocker was looking at me. The eyes seeming to follow my every move.


This would work better as one sentence, as in:

The knocker was looking at me, its eyes seeming to follow my every move.

Encountering encouraging people had never happened to me. The only one who was was my father.


I found the expression clunky here. It might be better expressed as something like:

I'd never met anybody who encouraged me - apart from my father.

Her eyes were still the same turquoise color and her tattoo, which was a key, still held tight to her forearm.


I don't really like the uses of 'still' here. Why would her eyes have changed colour? Why would she no longer have the tattoo on her forearm? It's a bit like saying 'she still had a face' - there's no reason to think she wouldn't, so it doesn't make sense to draw attention to it in that way. You need a subtler way to work the description in. Maybe Nayleth could comment on how, despite the passing years, the ink of Gram's tattoo hadn't faded. Perhaps she could say she'd forgotten how bright Gram's eyes were.

The tattoo had been there for as long as I can remember.


Should be 'could'.

It was made to look old and rusted, as if it was an antique.


I don't really get this comparison, because rust isn't a hallmark of an antique. Antiques are usually in good condition.

Looking at it sometimes, I could of sworn


'Could have sworn' is the correct way to express it.

Its been to long dear.


This should be:

It's been too long, dear.

Remember, if you mean 'it is', then 'it's' should have an apostrophe.

Me, Griffin and Gram strolled


This should be 'Griffin, Gram and I strolled'. You're using the object form of the pronoun in a subject position. 'I' is the subject form; 'me' is the object form. Take a look at these examples:

Gram and I followed Griffin.

In this instance, Gram and the narrator are the ones performing an action, so the correct pronoun form is 'I'. However, if you take this example:

Griffin followed Gram and me.

Here, Gram and the narrator are on the receiving end of an action, so the correct pronoun form is 'me'.

To work out whether to use 'I' or 'me', ask yourself this question: 'is the narrator doing something or is the narrator having something done to them?' If they're doing something, it should most likely be 'I'. If they're having something done to them, it should be 'me'.

(You make this error a second time at another point in the chapter - see if you can find and fix that instance yourself).

He had told me that day to never where it until I was in my teens.


Should be 'wear'.

He had told me that day to never where it until I was in my teens. He never told me why. My father was a rather mysterious man who only told things when he felt they were needed to be told.


Delete that last sentence. It's unnecessarily telling. I'm going to elaborate a bit more on showing and telling at the end of the critique; I think it's time I went through it more thoroughly.

"YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW! THEY WILL COME! THEY WILL KILL YOU!" her voice was loud and she sounded like a banshee.


1) Putting shouting in capital letters is a big no-no. It just looks amateurish. Write it in lower case. If you really want to push that she's screaming, you can write the dialogue in italics like this:

"You need to leave! They'll come! They'll kill you!" she shrieked.

2) It's pretty redundant to say 'her voice was loud' when that's completely obvious from the dialogue. I'd swap it out for a dialogue tag such as 'she shouted', 'she screamed' or 'she shreiked', but it's your call, of course.

"Okay, Muluth, go rest. You are so tired at the moment." Gram told her, as if she was a Jedi master and my mother a simple slave.


This is a very bizarre simile. I mean, Jedi masters don't even keep slaves. They've got nothing to do with each other. And that aside, the comparison just doesn't fit the tone of the passage at all. It's weird to bring miscellaneous pop culture references into a scene that's supposed to be quite uneasy.

I began to let my thoughts wonder.


I think you mean 'wander' here.

"Yes, dragon?" She asked, her eyes questioning me.


'Dragon' should have a capital letter, as it's a nickname. 'She', on the other hand, should not be capitalised. Dialogue tags never start with capitals.

"Um, normally you would be so glad I was home, per say, but yet you sit here as if nothing happened. As if I was never betrayed by mine own mother and thrown into that hellhole. Do explain why you are so calm and hiding something from me," I quickly told her.

She took her time with my question, five minutes at most.


1) The correct spelling is 'per se'.

2) Five minutes is way too long for a silence. Way too long. In real conversation, people typically respond to whoever they're talking to less than a second after that person finishes their turn - if there's a silence of more than a few seconds, there's some kind of conversational breakdown going on. If Gram took even ten seconds to respond - or even five seconds, come to think of it - I'd expect Nayleth to prompt her in some kind of way. That's just how quickly conversation operates.

There's also the fact that, so far as I can see, Gram doesn't answer her question at all. So why say she takes her time with it? Just say that she acted like Nayleth hadn't said anything, because that's what she's doing.

but then something glinted in the moonlight that trickled through the large windows.


This makes it sound like the thing that is glinting in the moonlight is also the thing trickling through the windows. It might be better expressed as:

but then something glinted in the moonlight trickling in through the windows.

Lines were beginning to inch there way across my skin


1) It should be 'their' rather than 'there'.

2) Try to keep your sentences as brief and direct as possible. You could easily write this line as: 'Lines inched their way across my skin. Always look for words that don't need to be there, because cutting out the excess will give your writing more impact.

My Gram stood in front of me, her arm the exact the key that was her tattoo.


I didn't get what you were trying to say here at all. It doesn't make sense.

I could here the wings beats a hummingbird a few miles away.


This is similarly muddled. Did you mean: I could hear the wing beats of a hummingbird a few miles away.

Gram said and we both blacked out at the same time, the last thing I heard was the neighbor humming the last verse of Welcome to the Black Parade.


Comma splice. Change the comma to a full stop.

Overall Thoughts

1) This is probably the most muddled chapter yet. Even though I'm quite intrigued by the door opening to the other world and all of the strange, surreal stuff that Nayleth sees there, you don't handle the transition clearly enough. The grammar and expression deteriorates in the last quarter of the chapter, making it very difficult to work out what's going on. You need to slow down. It's like you're in such a rush to push your ideas out that you don't take the time to organise them, to dwell on them and flesh each scene out in detail.

2) I think you should cut the paragraph where Nayleth describes the dragons, or at least condense it to a few brief lines. It doesn't add anything. It feels like description for the sake of description, and my thoughts kept wandering as I read it.

3) I am intrigued by Gram, because I like that I'm not sure whether to trust her or not. Obviously Nayleth cares about her, but Gram is so indifferent to Nayleth's questions and seems very much to be caught up in her own world. I enjoy not being able to place a person's motivations.

4) Your characters need to interact more. That's probably one of my biggest problems with the story at the minute - as I read, I find myself thinking 'why is nobody talking to each other?' All of your characters should have so many questions, but nobody seems bothered about finding anything out. Gram never asks how Nayleth got out of Ripper. Angela barely says anything to Nayleth despite the fact that it's been literal years since they've seen each other. Neither Nayleth nor Griffin ask why on earth Gram is acting like she's met Griffin before. The one question that Nayleth does ask - why is Gram acting so normal after everything that has happened - gets no answer, and she doesn't even bother to press it. They're not acting like real people. I know how much of a slog it can be to make your characters interact when all you want to do is carry on with the story, but it has to be done. Otherwise you lose all sense of realism.

There's also the fact that interaction is key to characterisation. Dialogue is one of the main ways to expose a character's personality, their sense of humour, their relationship with other characters - anything you can think of. If your characters don't talk to each other, they're never going to feel fleshed out. Granted, dialogue is no easy thing to write, but you can't skimp on it.

5) Showing and telling. DemonGoddess said 'show, don't tell' a few times in her review, so I thought I'd give you a full explanation of exactly what that advice refers to. Showing and telling are, in essence, two types of writing techniques. Here's some definitions:

Showing is how you bring a reader into the story. It's rich, detailed writing - it uses all of the senses, it gets in close to the perceptions of the characters, it tries to create a picture without ever being explicit about what is happening.

Telling is often called 'informing', because that's its primary function. Telling writing is more explicit, used mainly to cover the ground and get the reader up to speed with what they need to know. It's briefer than showing, but much less evocative.

Here are some examples:

Telling: The room was disgusting.

Showing: Mould mottled the ceiling, wallpaper flaking from the walls like dead skin. Everywhere was the heavy smell of damp - when she breathed through her mouth, she could taste it.

You can see that the showing example is suggestive where the telling one is explicit. At no point in the showing example does it say the room is disgusting, but the description manages to convey that impression.

Neither showing nor telling are superior to one another. They're both crucial in storytelling, and writers need to master both if they're going to be successful. The difficulty is in finding the balance - knowing when you need to show something and when you need to tell it. That's what you need to work on.

I'm not going to go into too much specific detail at the moment because I don't want to overwhelm the review; I think it's better that you're just aware of the general techniques for now. In future reviews, I'll actually apply the showing and telling framework to your writing and give you feedback on how to improve your grasp of it.

Before then, consider checking out a few articles about showing and telling. This one is excellent, . You can also look at my own guide if you fancy it - it's slightly longer than the first article I've linked you to, but I've tried to be thorough.

I'll call the review here. I hope this was helpful. I am enjoying this and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next with Nayleth - I want to know what strange mysteries there are at the heart of her family. Just work on proof-reading and slowing down the pacing a little. Get your characters talking to each other.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DeerInBacPac says...


Thanks Pan! I will keep much of what you told me in mind when I am writing.



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Thu Oct 19, 2017 7:05 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



The knocker was looking at me, it's eyes seeming to follow my every move. The knocker was a dragon, our family emblem basically.


Both of these are comma splices. I would fix the first one by putting a semicolon where the comma is and for the second one I would put a colon where the comma is.

people never happened to me.


"had" should be after "people" and there are two spaces between "happened" and "to."

The only one who was, was my father.


Remove the comma.

he last thing my father gave me before I found him on the kitchen floor...covered in....in...


There should be spaces after the ellipses.

"Soon." she whispered, then she smiled a grin that even the cheshire cat would be proud of.


The first period should be a comma. "cheshire cat" should both be capitalized. "And" should be after the comma.

Been to long dear."


Change it to "It's been too long dear."

The same pictures lined the walls, the same smells still lingering through the house. Leather, smoke, rain water, lilac, honey and old books.


Combine these two sentences.

Made me think I really was insane.


"It made me think that I really was insane."

my Gram, had accidentally called me dragon


"dragon" should be capitalized.

But looking at Grams face, she knew.


"Grams" should be apostrophied.

"Yes dragon?"


Comma after "yes" and "dragon" should be capitalized.

calm and hiding something from me." I quickly told her.


Comma instead of period.

Gram's necklace. It was an emerald with a leather string keeping it in place. The lovely gemstone was glowing. She looked at the necklace her eyes widening. Then she grinned again.

"Calling day," She told us in a sing-song voice. Me and Griffin were both rather confused but then pain shot through my body, in the same places that were aching earlier.


Just put the mistakes in red.

who was double dover in pain. Something was also slinking it way across his body, it looked like fur.


"double dover" should be "doubled over." Change the comma to " - ."

a fountian in the very middle. People wandred the streets and some odd five foot snakes slithered around, some wearing leepord print sunglasses


"fountian" should be "fountain." "leepord" should be "leopard."

alll


should be "all."

"Oh-uh. I forgot how much it hurts. It's even worse here." Gram said


I could here the wings beats a humming bird a few miles away, being able to tell because if how fast it was moving its wings.

I quickly shook my head but then I could hear more and more. A person footsteps from miles away,


"humming bird" is one word, "person" should be "person's," and you don't need that one part that I strikethroughed.

"This is not normal, not even for a Calling in this world," Gram said and we both blacked out at the same time. The last thing I heard was the neighbor humming last of Welcome to the Black Parade.


Suggestions:



Me? I've fallen to depression. The scars on my arms prove that.


Show, don't tell.

The key was shaped to her arm, as if her arm was the key. It was made to look old and rusted, as if it was an antique. The skin behind the key was ribbon. Rolls upon rolls of it, seemingly swirling around in some unknown wind. Something about that tattoo though... it never seemed normal. Looking at it sometimes, I could of sworn that the ribbons were moving or it was actually real.


Again, show, don't tell. I won't point this out again.

It's not like I would notice my fathers troubled start. His fall to suicide.


Don't just say it outright. It makes it too obvious and takes away from the joy of figuring things out through reading.

The memory overall: Italicize it, first of all. Second of all, usually you can only see and hear things in memories. You put all the five senses. Also, when you talk about the dragons, just put vague details and let the readers imagine it on their own. Honestly, I would take the entire memory out and replace it with more events in the house. The father's suicide should remain a mystery for now, you know? Let people theorize and put the memory in the middle of the book instead.

Confusing things:



We are not one to flaunt our heritage and such.


Then how come they have a knocker with their emblem on it?

Disrupting my thoughts, Gram yelled at the top of her lungs, "THE TARTS ARE READY!" and came bustling out with a huge platter of her famous Bluebug tarts. These damn things are like heaven in your mouth. Seriously, be careful when eating them.


Wait, I thought that she was in the sunroom with them.

Also, when you describe Nayleth hearing things, how come she isn't overwhelmed by the ordinary sounds of the city. Cities are usually loud to an ordinary human.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



cheshire cat


OMG THE CHESHIRE CAT

Somethings are best left out of books, blogs or websites for writing. Somethings are best left alone for a bit longer.


whERE IS TRUMP hE NEEDS TO rEBUILD THE fOURTH WALL

humming the tune of Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.
[/quote][/quote]

**flips table**

I love MCR and WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE! AHHHHHHH **fangirl squeals intensify**

Overall:



Ehhhh, pretty good, but you need to show, and don't tell, and I think that this chapter would be significantly improved with the removal of the flashback. Move it somewhere else.

Keep up the great work.

Give me your soul --

Kara

Image


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DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you so much Kara! I will get to work on fixing it right away! Also, you fangirling section had me laughing my damn a** off. More fangirling to come!



zaminami says...


Yo welcome :D



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Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:19 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @DarkPandemonium


@KaiRyu thank you for the quote! DG, yours is next!





It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe