you’re a lighthouse in the storm
from the day that you were born.
you live your life in an anxious chill
and call yourself a nuisance
before someone else can hurt you
because lightning never strikes in the same spot.
there was never a promise,
father to a son,
because he was hardly a dad,
hardly a glow in parted clouds.
you just have to have a laugh
at extenuating circumstances,
but just because you can endure the rain,
does not hold an obligation to withstand it
with expectations to come out dry.
you mourn your lost self
in your most formative years,
and i don’t even want to imagine
your face stained by your china eyes
while you’re powerless to say anything about it,
because no one will care.
because pain is the opposite of language.
~~~
i’m so sorry for not keeping the lights on
during the outage,
i didn’t want to be misconstrued.
i’m sorry for having words like hail;
i’ve been punished for being passive like snow.
you deserve to know i’ll always have
a small parting in the clouds just for you
because you are a son
deserving of the sun.
i love you so tenderly
when i listen to your nightmares about the wind
that you mask sea shanties,
yet fiercely
when a part of my own storms
reach down to the earth
to bring to justice
those who taunt you with thunder.
you’d only known rumbling as a warning of destruction.
i wish i could look you in the eye
and tell you all this,
but im scared.
i’m scared you want a place more than
i can give.
bother me and rock my boat instead because
i promise
that when you do,
it will never live up to the definition.
~~~
i think we were meant to be friends
like raindrops bound to meet in the same cloud.
i bet we never knew our mist made together
could be scarier than tempest.
we’re a little too similar.
maybe you’re tricking me into loving myself.
i think about you so much now that a month
doesn’t describe the true nature
of the slow accumulation of tumbling tons of water in the sky.
i know i already talk about you too much,
it probably annoys everyone
when i drizzle your name over them and their hair poofs up,
but you’ve been poured on me now
and i think i just want to walk in the rain with you again.
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
A few lines have been taken from "Father to a Son" by Green Day off their 2024 album "Saviors". tbh you should just listen to the whole album. Anyway proper credit here, byeeee
Heyo! This has been stuck in the green room for quite a while, so I thought I’d leave a quick review!
First Impressions + What I Liked
Your language is very descriptive, like you use a lot of metaphors, imagery and even sayings that relate to the weather, which I thought was a nice touch. It feels like a father-son relationship that was not the best.
These two lines especially, I love the how you don’t just explicitly say their relationship, but rather hint at their complicated nature (as relationships are in real life). Like the first line implied that the father was a role model to the son, but then you just let my expectations down by saying he wasn’t exactly a good father per say? Maybe I’m reading too much into it.
And this line? Just beautiful. It kind of gives the idea that it’s not the speaker’s fault for not doing a better job, but he’s sorry anyway for all the pain he caused because he still cares for his son, in a way. It just feels more…realistic, somehow.
Areas for Improvement
I’m considering renaming this part “things I need the poet to clarify because I’m kinda dumb”. Honestly, your poem is amazing and I have nothing to improve on. I do have a few questions, though.
Did you mean to say his eyes are as white/fragile? as china (as in porcelain)? The phrase “china eyes” sounds a bit odd. “china-like” would work better and still maintain the flow, unless there’s some other meaning I missed.
I- uh, don’t understand this part? What is “the definition” of? Was it mentioned earlier in the poem, or “rock my (the) boat” from the lines before?Maybe it’s too advanced for me, but I don’t really get the meaning here.
Minor correction, but “than a tempest” would be more grammatically correct. Unless it’s intentional, then carry on.
Overall Thoughts
A wonderful, descriptive poem that showcases a complicated father-son relationship, and how no one, even boys, is perfect. Your imagery was beautiful, so I’ll end off with a line that really paints a vivid picture in my mind (at this rate I’ll quote the whole poem!!).
Keep writing, and remember to take breaks when needed! Have a nice day/night/you can’t tell because it’s sunrise or sunset?
I’ll stop now.
Cheers,
Horizon
Hii sorry for the late response, but thank you so much for the review!
To answer some of your questions:
Because the person I'm writing about has blue eyes I was likening them to the blue designs on traditional fine china. But I like the recommendation of using "china-like" to keep with the flow so it still works!
Ah I can see how this would be confusing. I was going for "you can bother me because when you do it, it doesn't live up to the definition of being bothersome." Like to be a bother is to trouble, annoy, inconvenience someone, but when he decides to "bother" me, it doesn't come with those things. I tried my best to make it comprehensible, but I could think of some other ways to make it easier to understand.
But thank you again for the review! ^^
Hello friendo! Oh my goodness, how has this not gotten reviews yet?? It was absolutely beautiful and I am so glad I stumbled upon it tonight!!
Right from the beginning, this poem starts off with some really strong metaphors. I love the lighthouse metaphor you use. These lines really stood out to me. 'lighting never strikes the same spot' how beautiful! Acting tough, strong, defensive, dominant, in so many ways, because if you have already declared yourself damaged, how can you be hurt again? Love that. That is how I interpreted it, but I can see it going so many other ways too.
words like hail, they come on suddenly but they can hurt and cause a lot of damage. I love the image of. parting in the clouds, a son who deserves the sun. that was a wonderful play on words in just the right spot. just beautiful, really! I love this entire section. you use so many metaphors and examples relating to nature and the weather and water. I loved this overall theme, but also such different examples that bring out so many different points.
the simplicity of your words is so strong and hits me hard. these lines were simple, but lovely and pure and honest and true in every way. simple facts and truth. wanting a place more than can be given is a really valid fear and I love how you presented this so straightforward.
you ended this beautifully:
your imagery is exquisite. drizzling a name and I can see the rain that causes hair to poof up. I find it amazing how you can take these relatable images and apply such personal but also relatable themes behind them.
lovely poem, friend <33 hope to read more soon!!
your friend,
Ellie
This is really beautiful, probably because I can relate to some of the lines here but also because I love Green Day. It just combines two things I know so it's appealing to me. Honestly the first two lines, then from I'm sorry for keeping the lights on to deserving of the sun, idk what it was but it just popped out you know?