z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



PftPP Chapter 2.1

by FireEyes


Word count: 1472

Chapter 2: Get Your Eyeliner and Glitter, Boys

Some time later, I looked after Garret for a few days when Lee and Emily went on a small excursion. I took it as a vacation from Garret’s apathetic attitude. I didn’t have any plans for the week, so I could look after him. Garret would insist he could look after himself, but he didn’t know how to work the stove and the only food he knew how to make was a sandwich and microwave popcorn. I wasn’t much better, but I could force him to eat a vegetable or two. I usually looked after Garret whenever needed. Avi usually had work, but my work could travel with me.

We sat in the living room and lounged around and scrawled out on the furniture. Garret sat slumped over while he stared at his phone and melted into his blue hoodie I bought him a few years back. I was glad he still wore it. I remember when I used to come over for dinner when Garret was younger how he’d jump for joy at the mention of my name. I was the cool uncle. He loved me. He loved to learn about my job, and even though it was against most contracts, I’d read him snippets of stories I edited at the time. But then he gradually started shutting people out, including me. I figured it would be over in a few years while he was less rash. And even if it were only a couple of years, it still hurt that I would never get that time back with him. I would never let him know it hurt, though.

I saw Garret give me an off glance and my mind went to the worst of places. Teenagers are scary. I started to fidget while my mind raced about nothing. Out of habit, I shoved my hand into my shirt pocket. Something round emerged from there, and to my surprise it was my stopwatch. So that’s where it was.

“Hey Garret,” I threw my voice in the air, “Want to see something cool?” I let the watch dangle on the chain, just out of Garret’s field of view.

He slugged over disinterested, but upon seeing the stopwatch, he perked up and his eyes widened. It was a small moment, but I lived to see his unprecedented curiosity shine through.

“Is that the stopwatch?” He held out his hand and I let it dangle just above it. “Nothing’s gonna happen, right?”

I laughed and put the watch in his hand, “No, it’s made for my hands. It can’t adapt to other people. For you it’s just a regular stopwatch.”

He marveled at the watch, but eyebrows turned upwards, turned and contemptuous. His eyes hollowed and shifted from the watch’s power to the lack of his own. Emily didn’t have any powers and came from a long line of powerless people. Lee had powers, though, and genetically powers are dominant. They grew with the person once their personality was revealed when they were slightly older than toddlers. Something like a force spoke to some people to explain certain rules. Other times people found out in a grandiose display when they tried to do something.

Garret didn’t get the privilege to control, manipulate, or do anything others can’t. Lee healed many of my childhood ailments. He absorbed the physical pain to himself, but he couldn’t take away any emotional pain. I didn’t know if there was a person who could. Garret’s pain came from the ever scarring and reopening of wounds that told him he’d never be special. He’d never be special and it loomed over him and tightened around his neck for his whole life.

“Do you want to see me in agonizing pain while I stop time?”

“You bet.”

Outside, everything was coated in a frigid air like normal. The leaves swayed in the gentle breeze. Everything minded its own business. I hated to be the one to interrupt it. I planted my feet in the dewy grass, centered myself, and took a deep breath. It had a little sting to it, it was so crisp. I slipped on my goggles and everything warped a little and tinted yellow. I anchored my vision on a tree to stop the dizziness and counted down. Three, two, one, BANG!

Pain.

Breathing hurt. Every molecule of air became glass and every few seconds I had to inhale thousands of shards to stay alive. When I told people about what it’s like, they all assumed it was like being underwater. They’re partially right, but at least while you’re drowning, you can fight the water for air. When I stopped the world around me, all I could do was sludge through the thick resin-like pressure while pins and needles punctured my lungs. Throbbing, throbbing, throbbing. My ears needed to be popped, but if I did my eardrums would rupture. Even the smallest particles of dust weighed a ton with the increasing strain of the stopped time. However, nothing truly stopped. Everything slowed down millions of times over, virtually still. I couldn’t walk without the resistance of trying to push against a concrete wall. I walked on the ocean floor. The pressure made my smaller blood vessels burst, and behind my deafening tinnitus, I heard a crack.

And a pop.

BANG!

I couldn’t hear anything besides a high pitched screeching in my ears. That time was worse than previous stops. I’d have to go to my doctor for more tinnitus treatment. Air flooded into my lungs again and it hurt just as bad. It was dry and fast going in my nose. I was a mermaid who learned how to breathe above water for the first time, but it was satisfying. I took off my goggles and everything moved again, but at twice the speed. It only lasted for a few seconds, but what was longer, though, was my inability to hear clearly. After a few seconds more, I heard Garret.

“Leighton, here take this,” he shoved a napkin into my hands. I looked up at him and he pointed to his nose. “Your nose, it’s uh, really bloody.”

I gingerly touched the area around my nose and to no surprise of my own, blood smeared on my fingertips. It wasn’t unusual for that to happen. It was a good thing most of the shirts I wore were red.

“It’s alright, just a bloody nose. It happens a lot when I stop time. I guess you see why I don’t do it that much.” I wadded up the napkins to my nose and took off my goggles so I wouldn’t stain the leather bands of the goggles when they hung from my neck. “Aw man.”

“What?”

“One of the lenses broke. Guess I can’t stop time for a while.” I looked at Garret and smiled, “Thank the Creator.”

Garret put on a satirical smile and tried to look like he enjoyed himself. I bet he got some enjoyment from my pain, but his upward expressions were more downturned. He got up and went back inside.

I stayed sitting on the grass waiting for the bloody nose to stop, but also to ground myself. The vertigo wasn't the worst, but it wasn’t exactly bearable. The worst slowed completely to a normal pace. My goggles were the only things to not land me in the hospital each time I used my power . I’m pretty sure I would have gone blind without them. The crack penetrated to the other side for about an inch and a half. Dad made them for me along with the watch. I thought they were indestructible, just like how we all thought our old man was imperviable. I outgrew them a few years ago, but I didn’t think I needed to ask for new ones. I wouldn’t bother Dad for something I wouldn’t use on the daily.

“Hey uncle Leighton, aunt Avi wants to talk to you.” Garret held out the corded phone from the house that wasn’t replaced over the decades.

I got on my feet and grabbed the phone, “Hello?”

“Come over.” The line crackled and I heard Avi scream.

The blood rushed to the center of my body and my hands went cold. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” I said distressed.

There was a pause on the line. “What? No. The cow gave birth, I want you guys to come to see.”

I sighed and said, “Avi, don’t scare me like that, I thought Damon died or something. Just for that I’m not coming.”

“You get over here in fifteen or else I’ll have Malcolm rip out the rest of your hair.”

“Be there in ten.” I hung up and told Garret, “Get your shoes on, we’re going to see Avi’s new cow.”

“Okay.” He stomped his shoes on and hopped into my truck.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
384 Reviews

Points: 27522
Reviews: 384

Donate
Tue Jul 11, 2023 11:12 pm
View Likes
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @FireEyes hope your doing well, I'm here to do a short or long review, either way let's jump right into it shall we!

Thought's so far

Thought I'd do this because you haven't heard what I've thought of the rest of the story. :) So I really liked the last two chapters I think that your story's very funny and good for young readers such as myself, I think that it's very good that you have a character who isn't perfect but they also wish to change that, it makes for some really good character development later on in the story witch I always look forward to.

Some time later, I looked after Garret for a few days when Lee and Emily went on a small excursion. I took it as a vacation from Garret’s apathetic attitude. I didn’t have any plans for the week, so I could look after him. Garret would insist he could look after himself, but he didn’t know how to work the stove and the only food he knew how to make was a sandwich and microwave popcorn. I wasn’t much better, but I could force him to eat a vegetable or two. I usually looked after Garret whenever needed. Avi usually had work, but my work could travel with me.


Lol that last part just got me laughing so hard, you always seem to start the chapters with something to give us a good laugh, and this can really get your readers hooked, what I will say though is this is really good for a young audience but if your trying to get the older readers it might be a little to childish for them, and you may need to think about adding some different things in but also taking somethings out.
Also the word some time is in bold because that should be one word, if any words come up in bold it could be because I'm going to give you suggestion that might mean me changing the word to something else, or just a gramma error that needs to be pointed out.

He marveled at the watch, but eyebrows turned upwards, turned and contemptuous. His eyes hollowed and shifted from the watch’s power to the lack of his own. Emily didn’t have any powers and came from a long line of powerless people. Lee had powers, though, and genetically powers are dominant. They grew with the person once their personality was revealed when they were slightly older than toddlers. Something like a force spoke to some people to explain certain rules. Other times people found out in a grandiose display when they tried to do something.


Know I just want to say this ahead of time, I really don't want to offend you or make you upset, so don't take it personally, but I feel like some books plots rely on powers to much, so much so that it makes things to easy, like when a character get's into a hard predicament it's easier to get them out of it, if they have powers to help them, it also then makes the story more predictable. I just feel like this is something to think about in the future, I'm not saying you are doing this though, I just thought I'd say it know before it gets to the point where I am know longer interested because there is to much of it.

“You get over here in fifteen or else I’ll have Malcolm rip out the rest of your hair.”

“Be there in ten.” I hung up and told Garret, “Get your shoes on, we’re going to see Avi’s new cow.”

“Okay.” He stomped his shoes on and hopped into my truck.


Lol this just made me laugh so hard again I love Avi's personality I can tell that Leighton is scared of her, I really hope that in the next chapter we get to see the cow, calf's are so cute. Last word of advice maybe think about adding a little bit of an action scene in just to keep the readers interested, it doesn't have to be a lot though and it doesn't have to evolve swearing and blood and such.

So over all this was another cool and funny chapter, I'm looking forward to going ahead and reading the next chapter. :) But if I was being harsh, I'm really sorry that was not my intention, I'm only saying what I think might be helpful, I hope to read more of your chapters soon, keep up the great work.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world you're on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

This review courtesy of
Image




FireEyes says...


Thank you for the review, Doss! I'll have it be known that later on (like quite later on, this is only the set up for the main meat of the book) the plot takes quite a darker turn. I wanted a more cheery tone in the beginning mixed with a darker middle and end point. For now, I wanted to get people more acquainted with the characters and their day-to-day lives
But I appreciate your feedback nonetheless! I'll keep an extra special eye out to see if powers are making an easy escape for some scenes. Thanks again <3



Dossereana says...


Sure thing I'm always happy to help, I look forward to the up coming chapters.



User avatar
145 Reviews

Points: 9806
Reviews: 145

Donate
Tue Jul 11, 2023 7:17 pm
View Likes
Kaia wrote a review...



As always, the main character here never ceases to amuse me. He always brings a touch of humor into even the most serious scenes. For whatever reason he decides to stop time for a bit. And wow! What a painful experience. I never really thought about time stopping also stilling the air flow, thus the oxygen flow. Obviously, you put some thought into that. Nicely done! And the nosebleed detail is also realistic. I love how the main character doesn't even know about it until it gets pointed out to him because he's so queasy after the moment. I really can't understand this fellow, though. Why would he randomly stop time? That seems rather odd to me. Was he just bored? Than why didn't he entertain himself in a more painless game? Does having the power and using it make him feel less insignificant? The poor guy. I do feel sorry for him...

I do have to say, I can't remember Garret from the previous chapters, but that's probably because I don't have a very good memory...But I like his character.

He didn’t know how to work the stove and the only food he knew how to make was a sandwich and microwave popcorn.
I love that detail about him. It's very relatable to someone like me who can't cook to save my life. ;) Nicely done!

Teenagers are scary. I started to fidget while my mind raced about nothing. Out of habit, I shoved my hand into my shirt pocket. Something round emerged from there, and to my surprise it was my stopwatch. So that’s where it was.


This part was also amusing and relatable. How down-to-earth this character is! I love how even your most dignified of characters have these moments when they're just plain human again, and they forget things. It builds up such a realistic atmosphere to your novel. Nicely done!

I do have one point upon which to critique. That is this sentence:

The line crackled and I heard Avi scream.

Technically, these are two full sentences joined by the word "and." Upon such an occurrence, be sure to add a comma after the first full sentence before the "and" "but" or "or" etc.

Besides that, I did feel like the pace slowed a bit, but it's all right as your characters kept things interesting. ;) I'm curious to see where all this will lead...
-Kaia




FireEyes says...


Hey Kaia! To answer a question, Leighton stopped time to make Garret feel a little bit better. It's to show that even though powers are totally cool and awesome, they come at a price. I'm glad you're liking the story, though!



Kaia says...


Ah, okay. Cool. I really like that theme. That's awesome! :)




We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
— T.S. Eliot