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PftPP- Chapter 1.2

by FireEyes


Word Count: 1236

***

I was the last to pull up to the venue. I had minor problems with my truck sputtering instead of starting. I had to save up for a new car. I had a bad habit of blowing each paycheck as soon as I got it. At least I wasn’t atrociously late.

I stepped up to the venue that reached up to the heights in the sky. I opened the doors and stepped into a palace. The whole structure was regal, yet homey. Strong, yet caring. Everything smiled with the yellow and black color scheme. All around me hung huge crocheted bees made by Avi, Emily, and Willow a few weeks prior. Damon and Avianna had a weird inside joke about bees and decided it would be an impeccable theme for the day. But, the bees were hung up nicely, I bet Avianna had Malcolm hang them up. He did a pretty good job, even for an osprey.

I walked over and took the seat next to Avianna. I tried to soak in the scenery around me, but instead the flower arrangements caught my eye with other black and yellow flowers. I was also too busy cowering in fear of the live bees rolling around in the flowers, bathing themselves in pollen.

“Leighton, Leighton…” Avianna tugged at my sleeve. “They’re not gonna hurt you. They aren’t wasps. Malcolm’s got this all under control.”

“Hey Avi, I uh, always wondered,” Damon stuttered, “What does Malcolm look like?” His lip piercing trembled with a wide smile.

Avi chuckled, “Why didn’t you ask sooner?”

He blinked amply and whispered, “I didn’t want to offend him.”

Willow snorted and we all laughed. I heard Malcolm caw and the bees rolled around, laughing. Time stopped but not in the way I was used to. It was beautiful, lively, and I didn’t want it to resume. But it died down like all things.

Avianna gathered herself and answered. “I never get a good look at him because he’s always flying. Malcolm, come here, boy!” She reached out her gloved hand for him to perch on. She had a few scars around her forearm but she wore the glove so much that I hardly saw them. I heard the flutter of his wings and the shadow came closer and closer to her arm until I could safely presume he was perched. Avi stroked him, “Oh you really are charming, aren’t you? Well he’s an osprey for sure. You do know what an osprey looks like, right Damon?” She looked at him and grinned. “He’s soft looking and powerful. Amber eyes, pretty osprey looking. But there’s this fun holographic ring around him; like he’s emerging from another dimension. It's almost like a halo. And he’s handsome. Almost as handsome as you.” She smiled again, “That good?”

Damon nodded and passed a dish and we all got our portions.

It would be at that time where everyone would start calling on each other as family. I would start calling Damon “brother”. Dad would start calling Willow “daughter”. But Lee, Avi, and I would not call Damon and Willow’s parents our own because they died two years prior, just as Damon and Avi met.

I’m a curious person, so naturally I got curious about that situation. “Damon,” I started, “Sorry if this is untimely but, was there a reason you didn’t bring your parents back? It sounds more logical to bring them back. A teenager and young adult don’t deserve to be parentless. No one does, in fact.” I couldn’t fathom how Damon, this man with the power of miracles, wouldn’t use it to his own advantage.

He put down his utensils and spoke like he’d been preparing the answer for years. “From my judgment, it would be better not to have mom and dad. Don’t get me wrong, we loved them and would love to have them. I contemplated bringing them back, but I thought about Willow.” He put an arm around her. “It would be a huge liability if I were to die too. Then in one foul swoop, she’d have no one. When I die, everything I revive also dies. Of course, that was before Avi and I started dating seriously. But then it would be a huge explanation if I were to bring them back now, and I would rather not visit their burial place.”

Everyone was quiet but Damon and Willow looked comfortable. The weight of his words didn’t weigh on them like it did for everyone else. That conversation was probably discussed so many times that it wasn’t taboo.

“That’s fair.” My voice resonated in my head and rang with discomfort.

Out of everyone, Emily cut the atmosphere. “So, Avi, where are you three going to be living now? I can help you find listings for a nice penthouse or we can just look at mansions.”

Avi perked up. It reminded me how Dad was so disappointed that his little girl wasn’t a tom-boy. I’d admit, I was butt-hurt when Avi didn’t want to play in the mud with me or when she’d insist on playing dress up. But, I had to be glad she grew into her own person and was that staple girl in the house once mom disappeared. Avi liked what she liked and had no shame, so she joined the conversation.

“Oh, that’d be great, Emily! Although, I have to say,” She grabbed Damon’s hand and he put his fork down even though he was mid-bite, “We were thinking about getting a farm on the outskirts of town. It would be harder to know where we live, and it’s a nice quiet place for all of us.”

“Yeah,” Damon said, “Willow and I always wanted to live on a farm and have a bunch of animals. He looked longingly to the future, “I want a lake nearby for Malcolm to fish in.” He put on a glove of his own, pristine, and motioned for Malcolm to come down to perch on him. There was still a barrier between the two, but at least Malcolm liked Damon more than me.

We talked for a little more and laughed and ate until contentment. We said our goodbyes once we were done and went on with our loosely separate lives. We were never truly separate even if I tried to be independent as much as I could. Not a day went by when the family group chat wasn’t used, but I was never the one to instigate anything. I hated to be a burden. Although, I had to pity those who had to cut contact with their immediate support group to better their lives. At least I still had people to fall back on.

And now Avi had Damon to fall back on. I couldn’t think of a better guy for her to spend the rest of her life with. He was so humble and caring for being in the public eye for half a decade. The two added to one another. They were whole people before they became one. I heard people say that a partner completes the other, but I believe people compliment each other. Like fine wine and cheese. Perfectly complete on their own, but paired together makes something delectable.

I walked out of the magical venue into the weight of reality. Nothing else to do, so I hopped into my truck and drove to my apartment.


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Tue Sep 12, 2023 10:50 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hey, Foxmaster here for a quick review!
Once again, another well-written chapter, by you! I have to say that I really like this magical, realistic, laid-back theme here. I can envision everything really well, and I found barely any mistakes.

I was the last to pull up to the venue. I had minor problems with my truck sputtering instead of starting. I had to save up for a new car. I had a bad habit of blowing each paycheck as soon as I got it. At least I wasn’t atrociously late.

I have to say that this is basically the only thing I found here. You have a lot of repetition here. Short sentences, all speaking about the main character.
I would at least change some of those periods into commas.
Sorry if this is untimely but, was there a reason you didn’t bring your parents back? It sounds more logical to bring them back.

Once again, a quick example of repetition. It's rather easy to fix.
Once again, that's all! Hope you are enjoying RevMo.
happy writing,
-Foxmaster




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Fri Jun 30, 2023 7:21 am
alpacaboss wrote a review...



Greetings! This is a continuation from your previous chapter I believe. I'll be leaving a short review for this :D

I find it quite hilarious how being late is shown to be part of the protagonist’s personality. It’s as if she just can’t go to something on time.

The description of the venue is rich and vivid. I like how the scheme is yellow and black like bees. It’s quite untraditional for a wedding reception to have this theme, but it surely will be a memorable one nonetheless. Damon and Avianna seem to be an amazing couple and the way they treat each other and have cute little inside jokes with each other makes me root for them. Leighton seems to be wary about the bees. Personally, I would too. But then my fear of bees decreased a bit after seeing videos of a certain beekeeper who literally scoops up hordes of bees with her bare hand. I’m getting off topic though so let’s go back.

Interesting, they have a pet osprey. From what I know, it’s illegal to have a pet osprey. And they are not easily tamed. If not, they cannot be tamed at all. That’s intriguing for me. The description of the osprey with a holographic ring that seems to be from another dimension is an interesting detail. From your style of writing, I could say you love dropping details that may prove important in the future. Will this osprey be more important than we think?

Wait, how does Damon have the power of miracles? Did I miss something? HAHHAA
Maybe you can give a short story that explains why Lei called him that.

I could sense loneliness on the narrator's side. It's as if she is communicating that she has no one to rely on anymore so she has to fend for herself. But then again, she may encounter something that will rock her world forever. Isn't that the point of novels after all? HAHAHHA

Overall, even if there isn't any explicit action happening, this is surely getting interesting. keep it up!

This is alpacaboss, signing off.




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Wed Jun 28, 2023 8:52 pm
Kaia wrote a review...



Hello!
I noticed your little piece sitting in the Green Room and looking just a bit sad. As a tortoise, it's my pleasure to drop by and deliver encouragement and a helpful review. So here I am. :)

Let me start by remarking on your writing style. You use fist person here and really allow the reader into the head of the main character. From the start with the minor worries about the main character's vehicle and expenses to his concerned thoughts for Damen and (I'm supposing) little sister, you really were able to develop the main character's thoughts really well. Nice job! Even though I just jumped in at this point I am pleased to already have a good idea of what the main character is like. :) Additionally I love how you state his opinions so it's like you're reading his thoughts. Such as here:

The two added to one another. They were whole people before they became one. I heard people say that a partner completes the other, but I believe people compliment each other. Like fine wine and cheese. Perfectly complete on their own, but paired together makes something delectable.


That was probably my favorite part to read. :)

You're setting is pretty well described, too. I dont really remember much of the characters descriptions other than Damens lip piecing as that really stands out. :)
But this part had me thinking bees even before you mentioned them. Really fabulous job here...

Everything smiled with the yellow and black color scheme.


Also, I really love your use of this sentence...
My voice resonated in my head and rang with discomfort.

This is a really relatable moment. I think we've all had moments when we have an inner voice talking to you like that. The word choice here is stellar, and the sentence is short so as to really give impact. Nicely done!

Okay, I have a few Grammer critiques for you. If you don't want to be critiqued on Grammer, ignore the rest of this review and please let me know so I don't critique you on that again. ;) I want to do reviews that the author him/herself will find most useful...That said...

Willow snorted and we all laughed.


Damon nodded and passed a dish and we all got our portions.


There were a few places like the two mentioned above when you joined two full sentences by the word "and." When you do that, make sure to add a comma before the "and."

So, for sentence one, add a comma after "snorted," and for sentence two add a comma after "dish." Further recommendations on that sentence might be to split the two parts into separate sentences as using "and" twice in the same sentence can be a little awkward. ;)

But, the bees were hung up nicely, I bet Avianna had Malcolm hang them

Technically this sentence is a run-on, meaning you should split it into two parts. To fix this, place a period after "nicely" to replace the comma. BUT if you want to have a more casual style, keeping the comma would reinforce the fact that the main character is a casual, ordinary kinda guy as this is written directly from his view. You choose what you want to do with that. :)

Well he’s an osprey for sure

Use a comma after "well."
(Unrelated to grammer, but wanted to point this out...I loved Malcolm. I picture him as invisible based on the description of his shadow. Nicely done. :))

Although, I have to say,” She grabbed Damon

Use a period at the end of "say" instead of a comma, as "she grabbed Damon etc..." is not a dialogue tag.

Okay, that's it!! Over all, nice job! Keep up the great work and remember only what you find useful. ;)
-Lady Kaia





"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein