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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Fand.
This is substantially worse than your previous efforts. There is very little here worth saving or editing.
No matter what the inspiration, the poem must stand on its own. Frankly, it's lousy work. Just the repeated love, love, love is enough to irritate since the importance of the loving is never revealed to your reader.
Better luck next time,
Brad
Hehehe... you know you're a Beatles fan when you hear the lads singing the chorus of "All You Need is Love" while reading this poem. XD
Okay. Enough of that.
I would prefer it if you deleted "own."
This is the part where it gets confusing. You don't mention the flocks, the deafness, or dreams, even. So when Morpheus shows up (symbolism for the god of dreams, I'm guessing) it catches us by surprise and hurries the poem to a too quick ending. Don't be so quick! You're a good writer... slow down and introduce the dream aspect before somewhere. Or, preferably add another stanza. That might be very nice, actually.
Fand, I'm jealous of your poetic ability!
I'm guessing this was the message: The mom pushed "lust" out of the boy, and so he preached "love" but eventually gave in? I've never been good at understanding these kind of poems, but it was still very beautiful.
I only have one suggestions for the great paladin of poetry!
I think you should put commas between the loves. "Love, love, love." but I'm punctuation crazy when it comes to poetry. And, is prelect a word? It isn't coming up in Mozilla's spell checker O.o
I enjoyed reading this poem.
I loved the part about his tongue being so sharp that one day it'll slice his throat, although I would omit the word 'own' before the throat, it feels like it could be a better rythm that way.
Ditto what bubblewrapped said about loving it while not fully understanding it. The last stanza was my favorite, although I'd write out 'could have' instead of 'could've'. Very nice work.
I have to say that it was confusing, but I'm kind of out of practice at poetry now so ... maybe its me. Anyway, I really loved it despite not fully understanding it. I have this thing about a painting called The Blue Boy so...heh. Doubly cool. The only stanza I felt was slightly off was the last - the second line breaks the rhythm somehow, I think. Maybe a bit of tweaking necessary? Otherwise, great work
Umm, this was a nice poem, but not great. The rhythm was definitely awkward, and I really didn't get the last stanza either. Nice try! Also, if you work on the modifications of rhythm and such, I'm sure it'll turn out to be a great poem! It's a great idea for one, just not maybe written in the best way it could be.
I kind of noitced your weird rhyming scheme, too. Like you'd write a line, and then the first part of the next line would rhyme with that instead of the last part of it.
Sorry if that sounds confusing, that's just what I noticed. Good luck with it!
OK, I can get the general sense of it, but I can't make out what the last few lines mean. That's the problem I find with poems--It's very difficult to write a poem that everybody will understand and appreciate. Don't get disheartened because it's no great poet who's saying this. I'm sure you'll a lot more positive replies than this.