to think in metaphors...
the lines of his face, gilded by man-made fire
and the ceiling mottled with birthmarks of amber
are such testaments to those who watch unseen,
the sentries of erudition, gilt-spined and dog-eared—
he is a creature of the day by any definition,
quick in his motions and quick in his smiles,
with freckles strewn across a scholar’s face
and hair the hue of backlit dust motes.
(but to describe him in such cliches—
what a disservice!)
he is a glissando incarnate, a saxophone tune,
all syncopation and rhythm—a voice wailing
of love lost in the patois of smoke-wreathed rooms.
he is the name embossed on a favorite tome,
pages creased and torn and taped together again
his form framed by margin notes and underlined quotes.
(tap a tap tap)
measured cadence against his palms
—I feel it against my throat—
(a tap a tap a tap)
progressions made in silent movie mouths
and whispers spiraling upward
into dappled, vaulted ceilings—
(a tap tap a tap
a)
to still the dynamic is a coveted power;
would that I could still his hands in mine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Yeah im not too keen on the "(a tap a tap a tap)" bits. However, i do like the first two stanzas. Im not sure if they really fit in with the rest of the poem, but i like them nonetheless. Also, the last two lines are a bit confusing. Since thats your closing point, they should really be clear. Anyway, i really did like it though. yummy words.
Fand--
It is always a pleasure to see serious thought put into poetry. This poem does not reflect such thought until the half-point.
Drop the parenthetical remarks, the one- and two-liners, and the first two stanzas--they offer nothing to this. If you can not convince the reader there is a rhythm to this man without "a tap tap," reconsider what you're doing.
Consider a future version starting from "he is a glissando incarnate..." since that is really where this poem begins. Everything before it is delaying the heart of this piece.
As for the lines that are incoherent (and this includes your close)--either drop or fix them. Without correction they lend only to dismay at doggereled verse.
There is potential energy in here; now you have to find it.
All the best,
Brad