how to begin a poem
when the subject no longer exists?
so your fatalistic penchants, pretty gin-soaked boy,
taste of snow and apples on my tongue. so you
darkened my freckles with a felt-tipped pen
and rewrote the constellations. so you
swallowed the moon as it swayed wanton hips
across the river’s skin. so you
dropped fogging pennies each morning into my palm.
your old copper face, round and freshly bearded,
t-square arms akimbo, thin chest mirthwrought—
and I, gardenia pulsepoints, curves and seastrand arms
coiling around a womb emptier, purer than seas—
how to begin a poem
so you
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
I quite liked it. Didn't understand bits of it but maybe it's just too deep for me (!!:D!!). Definetly better than the first one.
Um.... *hugs Brad* Yay! Thank you! That works so much better than what I had... I really do appreciate it.
Fand--
Below is a possible revision for you to consider.
how to begin a poem
the subject no longer exists.
fatalistic penchants, pretty gin-soaked boy,
taste of snow and apples on my tongue.
darkened freckles with a felt-tipped pen
and renewed constellations, he swallowed
the moon as it swayed wanton hips
across the river’s skin.
fogging pennies each morning
dropped into my palm. copper face,
round and freshly bearded,
t-squared arms akimbo—and I,
gardenia pulsepoints, curves
and seastrand arms coiling
a womb purer than seas—
how do poems begin
when the subject does not exist?
Best,
Brad
Thanks for the input, guys! Now that I know what needs working on, I'll start rewriting this.
I didn't understand the repetition of the "so you's", especially at the end. Or the line/stanza breaks. They seemed really odd. Is there some reason for this that's beyond my grasp? And that four-line stanza...AHHH!!! It's an army of BIG WORDS! I totally lost whatever meaning was supposed to be in there.
Basically, I don't think I understood this. But I don't understand a lot of things. It sounded cool, whatever you were saying. Keep writing.
I love the first two lines. They seem very strong. But the rest seems a bit shaky to me. Is that the end, or is there more?
Pandora