once upon a time we told each other a story
........................in which street-lights were infallible. I remember it
............ so clearly because the air smelled like cardamom,
............ ............ ............ though we could only see starry leaves and, beyond
........................ in the dark, the nebulous movement of beings
........................ ........................ whose existence no longer mattered.
but then you said something
........................ I could not forget: that I seemed to glow—
............ and then I knew that I was your talisman as you were mine,
............ ............ ............ that the light and the cardamom
........................ would keep burning and burning, and the starry leaves
........................ ........................ would continue to shine and spin,
............ ............ ............ and that sooner or later one of us would have to leave
............ ............ ............ ............ ............ Rama’s circle.
and I knew it would be you.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Fand!
And the talisman part was beautiful. The use of stars and other sky/star terms -- it was just pure genius. Bravo!
For leveling me up to 15 in Sanctum, you sooo deserve this critique. You don't even know how many times I died trying to get to 15. You're my fav! *hugs*
Unfortunately, I don't have much -- if any -- criticism for you.
This. Was. Awesome.
The imagery was so clear. Straight away, as you said street-lights, I pictured a street during nighttime. You also used smell, which was also helpful in the imagery. I usually get excited when I see someone use more then one sense when it comes to imagery. Coolio-awesome job!
Eimear was correct in saying the cliche Once upon a time beginning was awesome. Maybe that's why it was awesome. You used a phrase that everyone stays away from. You brought it back and fit it snuggly with the rest of the poem. It was so cool. ^^
You remember the time you told the story, or the story itself? This was the only part that confused me.
Otherwise, I just love the continuation of the cardamom metaphor with starry leaves. It was just awesome. You're a poet, and I'm sure you know it. *lame*
I wish I could give you more constructive criticism. This was so cool, though. ^^ I really liked the format, and I can't really tell you why. It just seemed... fitting with the theme of imagery you had and.. I dunno. It was just cool. I loved it.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Right, I'm going to admit it from the outset- as there's no point in pretending: I only understood certain bits of this. But that's a good thing, because it confused me, in a good way. I wanted to go back and decipher what the speaker was trying to say.
But my, the imagery in this is absolutely beautiful. I knew we were onto something good when I read this:
'Once upon a time' is surprisingly great. I got the impression that anywhere else this wouldn't have worked, but here, it really fitted in. Nice job. Although, shouldn't you be starting with a capital letter? This poem just had such a...mysterious nighttime in an old city thing about it.
I especially like you reference to the sense that is hardly ever used in poetry:
Vivid.
The lead up and the end is perfect. I'm sorry that I can't even offer any suggestions, but I couldn't read this poem without telling you how much I loved it. It's really inspiring.
Eimear xx