[unrefined; rip it to shreds]
... ... ...
nose prints on beaded glass and marker-stained palms aside,
she wonders how difficult it would be to reclaim the past.
not the past in which he sang opera into her very throat
into her soul and her stomach, hot and imperative as youth—
a different imperative, the kind that made her
kick off sandals and leap across the desert of hot pavement,
stare into the sun until the world went blue and green
and slough off the anonymity of third person for I and me and you
that trust that immortality is a cemented tenet of humanity.
oh the path from wrist to throat (the hollow in her elbow,
the ridges of collarbones and the well below her chin)
tells a different story.
trust, he’d invoked, eyes earnest and searching, his voice
far closer to hers than anyone’s ever had been before. trust.
and as hands inched upwards and downwards and inwards
and oh si je t’aime prends garde á toi he sang to her si je t’aime
prends garde á toi and she whispered back, fingers trembling
like she hadn’t believed they would verde que te quiero verde and
(lost in translation takes on such new dimensions here)
fingers and trust and now nose prints on glass
as cold as her stomach and empty womb.
... ... ...
translations:
si je t'aime, prends garde a toi -- if I love you, beware of me
(from Bizet's opera, Carmen)
verde que te quiero verde -- green, how I want you green
(from Federico Garcia Lorca's poem Romance Sonambulo)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
That was very beautiful. So this is where the French help was needed? hee
I loved this part, so much.Your words were beautiful, and I felt what was going on. I wish I could write beautiful lines like this, but I can't. That was really good
And I'm not critiquing Luna, I'm stating my opinion here! I think the fact that the words, the French/Spanish, because they weren't in quotes I felt it flowed more, everything was together and not separated and it all flowed like...something beautiful. Grammatically, Luna is so correct, but from a poetic/beauty stand point (and as simply a reader here, and not a poetry-know-how-er) I think there shouldn't be quotes. It's up to you though.
I liked it, but I think the (like the ocean) seems to knock the rhythm off for a moment. I don't mind all the other comments and lines in parantheses, but that one bothered me some how.
And I think to make the actual speaking parts of the characters easier to read, put them in quotations. Otherwise, I really liked it ^_^
Excellent poem, Emeraldi, quite full of feeling, very touching and very convincing. Two things.
Imperative just seems like too . . . Eh, formal of a word, though that's not exactly it. The meaning's good, but I'd try and find less of a cold, impersonal way to say it.
Also, where you say "lost in translation takes on whole new dimensions here," well, I like that, but I think "here" is unnecessary. After all, it's in your poem and talking about your poem's dimensions, so I think the clarification weakens the impact of the phrase.
Overall, though, it's your usual mastercraft. ~_^