The Return of Magic: Part One Chapter Two: Sudden Magic

by Europa

Published September 7, 2015

12+ Violence

In Return of Magic

When Ingred arrived at the girl's bunkhouse, she was surprised to see the boy in the windbreaker sitting on her bed and reading her book. She had no idea what to feel or say, so instead she softly cleared her throat. The boy looked up, startled. Slowly, he pulled the hood off his head. With a shock, Ingred realized that he looked almost exactly like her. He had wild black hair that was fairly long for a boy. It tumbled down his neck and curled around his ears and jaw in unruly spikes. There was a long purple hair wrap dangling by his left eye. Aside from the golden amulet around his neck, Ingred noticed the hair wrap was the only bright color he wore. His eyes, Ingred saw, were a handsome silver grey. They reminded her of the moon. After a rather awkward silence, the boy said "oh. I'm sorry. I believe you'll be wanting this back." His voice was soft and smooth and deep, like silk made audible. Ingred took the book from the boy's hands, still studying him intently. Suddenly, she felt something bump against her leg. Surprised, she looked down to see a small black cat weaving in and out of her ankles. "That's Calemnvir." Avalon introduced the feline. "I'm Avalon."

"Ingred." Ingred replied. "Ingred Snow." 

Calemnvir bounded up onto the bed and leapt from there to delicately perch on Avalon's shoulder. There was another long pause, as neither Ingred nor Avalon had a very talkative nature. "I saw you with another boy in the mess hall. Is he a friend of yours." Ingred asked in an effort to make conversation. 

"Adrin? He's my twin brother."

"What a coincidence. The girl he was talking to was my little sister, Iris."

The rather uncomfortable conversation was interrupted by a shrill, feminine shriek. With a jolt of horror Ingred recognized the scream. Iris. Ingred flung the book back on the bed and dashed out of the room faster than Avalon could say 'what's going on?'

.                                               .                                   .                                                                          .

'Would you like me to set up a date, Lonnie?' Calemnvir's slow, drawling voice echoed in Avalon's head. Though Avalon knew no one else could hear Calemnvir when he spoke, Avalon couldn't help looking around to see if anyone was listening as he jogged along the crowded hall. The other orphans inhabiting the Foster home were all quite shaken by whatever happened, and they were all swarming back to their dorms in a panicked mass. He heard snippets of conversation as he jogged by. 

"Did you hear that scream?"

"Someone has to help"

"You kidding? Those guys were armed! I'm not going back down there!"

Other than that, Avalon tried his best not to notice the mob of people and began twisting the chain of his amulet nervously between his fingers. 'I have no idea what you're talking about, Calemnvir.' Avalon broadcast back. Calemnvir flicked the back of Avalon's neck affectionately with his tail. 'Oh, Avalon spotted Ingred bolting through the crowd and he caught up with her and grabbed her arm. "What's happening?" He demanded. Ingred extracted her arm from Avalon's grip and kept on running, Shouting over her shoulder "it's Iris! She's in trouble!"Calemnvir looked over at Avalon. 'So, they finally decided to show up.' He commented ominously. He grinned despicably, his yellow eyes flashing. 'Let's have some fun, Lonnie.' 

.                                                         .                              .                                                                     .

Ingred  left Avalon to stare at this cat and raced back down to the mess hall. It was empty and in complete shambles. Tables were overturned, shattered plates and silverware littered the floor, even some windows were broken. "Ingred!" Screamed Iris's terrified voice. Ingred frantically began looking around, trying to find where her sister's cries were coming from. "Ingred help me!" 

"Iris? Iris where are you?"  Ingred shouted. 

"I'm in the cellar!" 

Ingred bolted into the kitchen and threw open the cellar door. Iris was standing in the corner with her hands tied behind her back. "Come on! Before someone comes down here." Ingred directed. 

"I can't. They tied me to the wall."

"Hold on." 

"Well it's not like I can do anything else."

Ingred rushed to one of the kitchens many counters and drew a small kitchen knife from its place in the knife block, then clumped down the steps into the cellar. With some difficulty Ingred managed to cut her sister free. Iris sighed in relief, rubbing her raw wrists. Though she was glad her sister was free, the ease of this rescue made the hairs on the back of Ingred's neck rise. Why go through all the trouble of capturing someone if you didn't even bother to post a guard? It was almost as if whoever had taken Iris had wanted her to be found... " we have to get out of here." Ingred urged. 

"Leaving so soon?" Taunted an unfamiliar female voice. "How sad. And here I was hoping you'd stay for the party."

.                                                                          .                                                                                .

Avalon hurried down the stairs and into the mess hall. 'Take a left. Into the kitchen. Ingred's aura is stronger there.' Calemnvir instructed. Avalon took the turn as Calemnvir had told him to, but before he could  go any further, Calemnvir said 'Avalon! Hide! There's someone else in there and judging by her aura, I'm guessing she isn't too friendly.' Avalon, who was just about to run through  the door, dove behind it. from his hiding place, he could hear voices.

"--And here I was hoping you'd stay for the party." Avalon groaned inwardly. He knew that voice. Veridia. For as long as he could be remember since discovering his powers, Veridia had been Avalon's hunter and personal tormentor.

"What do you want with us?" Ingred's voice this time, strong and fearless. 

"I want you to put down the knife, and come with me. Now." Veridia ordered threateningly. 'Um, Lonnie? I believe now would be an excellent time to intervene.' Calemnvir broadcast nervously. 'I'm already on it, Cal.' Avalon crept out from behind the door, careful to stay in the sparse shadows of the brightly lit kitchen. He peered over Veridia's shoulder into the basement. There stood Ingred, clutching a small kitchen knife as if her life depended on the little object. Which, in these kinds of circumstances, it very well might. a tall blonde haired girl whom Avalon assumed to be Iris was crouching behind her sister. Avalon knew full well that normally Veridia won't take prisoners. He had to get her away from these two before they were shoved deeper into a trouble they most  likely would not survive on their own.

.                                                                             .                                                                               .

Ingred glared up into the face of the enemy. Inside she was terrified, but she stood unafraid. she had to be strong. for Iris's sake. If Iris saw how scared she was, she would panic. Ingred clutched her kitchen knife tighter. she knew it would be quite inadequate against the flail her adversary was holding, but it was the only defense she had. Ingred glanced around for a way to escape, and that's when she saw him. Avalon was her to resue them. How? She had no idea. giving no evidence she had seen him, Ingred once again gave the woman in the doorway a glare that could turn lead into water. "Who are you?" she demanded.

"I am Veridia, the hunter of mages."

it was at this point Iris decided to peek out from behind Ingred ant speak up. "Well, why do you want us, then?" she said. "We're not mages." Just then, Avalon appeared out of thin air to stand next to Ingred. "You should listen to the blonde one." He advised Veridia. "These two aren't who you're looking for."  Iris once again poked her head out from behind Ingred's shoulder. "Um..The blonde one would very much like to know what the heck is going on."  

Ignoring Iris, Veridia turned to address Avalon. "Ha! Do you take me for a fool, Avalon? If you are protecting these children then they are most definately mages. And this time there's nothing you or you cat can--" Calemnvir threw himself onto Veridia, hissing and scratching. Veridia yelped and threw him off, then charged, whirling her flail above her.

Comments & reviews · 3
ParanormalMyth wrote a review Review · Sep 13, 2015

Hey, TheFantasy14!

Oh my, this chapter was.. Wow! :) I'm going to go on and say that I haven't read the 2 other reviews, so I'm sorry if I rehash previously stated things.

The Review!


Plot

Spoiler
Ooh, I like how you've slowly started introducing the fantasy aspect of the story! The "aura" idea is really interesting. On the other hand, this "love aura" seems quite... Rushed. This is only chapter 2, and here we are taking a semi-deep romantic plunge. Don't get me wrong, I love romance. I just feel the 2 characters should have gotten to know each other a bit better before their giving off crazy pink love auras. Maybe make the conversation a bit longer, because they really don't get much from that exchange at all. Even if they maybe just talk about the book, I dunno.
Otherwise, this chapters plot is very well done.


Characters

Spoiler
Your characters continue to be developed well, so I think we're good here. :)


Other

Spoiler
I just have to say I love that the cat ( I can't spell the cats name, :P)can talk to Avalon. But, the bold text was pretty distracting, at least for me. Maybe italics would work better? I don't know... (I'm sooo helpful, xD)


Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler

She had no idea what to feel of say

I think you meant "or" :)
His eyes, Ingres saw,

I think you meant Ingred (though Ingres would be a cool name.. ;) )
Is he a friend of yours."

'what's going on.'

You need a question mark instead of a period with these, :)
left Avalon to stare at this cat and raced back down to the mess hall.

The first part of this seems a bit odd.
" we have to get out of here." Ingred urged.

We should be capitalized
from his hiding place, he could hear voices.

a tall blonde haired girl whom Avalon assumed to be Iris was crouching behind her sister.

she had to be strong. for Iris's sake.

she knew it would be quite inadequate against the flail her adversary was holding, but it was the only defense she had.

. giving no evidence she had seen him, Ingred once again gave the woman in the doorway a glare that could turn lead into water.

it was at this point Iris decided to peek out from behind Ingred ant speak up.
(also change ant to and)
These all need the beginning word to be capitalized :)
definately

I stink at spelling, but I think it's spelled definitely.


Overall, this was great and I'm on my way to the next chapter!

~Myth

User avatar
Chaser
Review
Chaser wrote a review Review · Sep 9, 2015

Hi, I'm Chaser. And you're awesome. Now then:

As for the beginning, while I see that Avalon's a real lady killer, I can't help but feel that his description is being wasted if it's poured out all at once. If you just give someone a string of random numbers to remember, they most likely wouldn't, right? The trick is to give them some way to remember, and the easiest way to do that in writing is to make it important, bit by bit. Why should the audience care about silver eyes? Is it a sign of something? What does Ingred think of the purple hair? Wrapping up description in a "bow" of sorts can keep the audience from getting bored.

As for the conversation thereafter, it felt realistic, and concise. Not very revealing of the characters, but maybe that's part of their personalities.

As for Calemnvir and Avalon's exchange, well, isn't it a little rushed? I know I sound old-fashioned, but throwing romance in there all of a sudden really didn't seem that necessary for a book titled "The Return of Magic." I feel a bit bait-and-switched, if you know what I mean. The "Love-Aura" just didn't feel all that compelling. When we barely know the characters, it doesn't feel right to make them like each other and expect everyone to care.

As for Veridia's appearance...well, classic is golden, I say. She doesn't seem that original at first glance, but I think she has some excellent potential. So put your heart into making her an engaging character. Or don't, it's your choice.

Now, while I've criticized the plot thus far, I want you to know that your writing style, flow, and tone are great. You don't bog it down with excessive excessiveness, nor do you leave the readers without a decent image of the story. The cool magic show hasn't happened yet, but I'm expecting big things from you.

Overall, it's a passable chapter. It seems slightly rushed, but that could be a matter of preference. I apologize for any offense this causes you, but honesty is a crucial policy. Cheers.


-Chaser

User avatar
Snoops
Review
Snoops wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2015

Hello!

Ohhh, this was fun. I liked the bad guy, and its hard to make someone liked and hated at the same time.

I have a question: How come no one else could hear Iris scream? In the story, why doesn't anyone else go down to the cellar? I mean, the girl was bound to the wall in a matter of seconds. Did no one see her get captured? Wasn't she sorta popular? Or talkative? Would no one notice? No one at all?

I would also suggest keeping the conversation going between Cal and Veridia. Wouldn't sh know him? Not even the cliche "Nice of you to join us, Cal. It will be a pleasure killing you with them." No? Okay then.

For the rest, I loved this and please PM me when you write more.

-LAU.

Europa replied · Sep 7, 2015

Thanks! I certainly will make some changed and let you know when my next installment comes around



To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics