Published September 16, 2015
Calemnvir staggered back over to Avalon, licking his muzzle in an attempt to wipe the horrid taste of bile from his toung. 'You alright, Calemnvir?' Avalon asked telepathically. Calemnvir shook himself and hopped back up onto Avalon's shoulder. 'I'll be alright after a little fresh air. Where do you suppose we are, Lonnie?' Coincidentally, Iris asked the exact same question
"Avalon, where are we?"
"I'm not sure. I only teleported us to the nearest entrance."
"Entrance?"
"Yes. To the Guild."
Ingred and Iris exchanged a confused look, but Avalon didn't notice. He looked around, trying to find something that might be familiar to him. They seemed to be in some sort of outdoor mall. Restaurants, movie theaters, and other shops of all different sorts lined the sunny square. At the center of the mall sat a large, ornate fountain made of white marble. In the middle of the fountain, four brass lions sat regally on a raised platform. All around then, people were bustling about their buisness. Avalon began fidgeting with his amulet. The large crowd was beginning to make him nervous.
"Maybe we should ask for directions." Iris suggested. The others seemed to think it was a good idea.
"So who wants to go?" For some reason, both Ingred and Iris looked at him.
"Me? Oh, well, uh...no, thanks. I don't really do...people." Avalon faltered, twisting the chain of his amulet with more vigor.
"Why not? You talked with Ingred and I and you seemed fine." Iris said.
"No, really, you've got the wrong guy. If I have to make conversation, I will, but people just make me nervous sometimes."
"Alright , if you insist on suddenly acting all shy, I'll do it." And with that, she flounced off.
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"Excuse me." Iris got the attention of a lady whom she was quite confident was not a Myth Hunter. After all, a person parading around in a cloak would no doubt be easy to pick out in your average crowd. "My friends and I are a little lost. Would you mind telling us where we are."
"Not at all!" The woman replied cheerfully. "This is the San Marco Town Center."
"Okay. Thanks for the help!" Iris nonchalantly bounced off. At least now they knew where they were.
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The woman watched the little blonde girl scamper back to her freinds. One of the boys had a small black cat on his shoulder. The stranger smirked. She wandered around the corner and drew her cellphone from her pocket. She punched in a number and waited for the person on the other end to pick up. When a voice finally rang over the receiver, it said "this had better be important, Alli."
"I assure you Veridia-I mean, captain, that you will want to hear the news I have."
"Well then get on with it."
"I have found the group that escaped from you at the Home. They're in Jacksonville, Florida at the San Marco Town Center."
"Excellent work, Alli. I'll deal with them when I get the chance, but the more important thing is the Pair. Make sure you get to them before they do, and there might be a red cloak in your future." Ali's violet eyed sparkled ambitiously. In the Myth Hunter hierarchy, a red cloak distinguishes a person of high ranking. It was usually the RedCloaks who chased after the most wanted mages, and only the RedCloaks who got the opportunity to receive the highest rank. A gold cloak. It was all the motivation Alli needed.
................................................................................................................................................................ As Iris returned to her freinds and Avalon, and Alli reported to Veridia,, the brother/sister musical duo, Casey and Landon Shaw were setting up by the lion fountain.
"Landon, can't we play in the shade? It's a friggin oven out here!" Casey complained.
Landon, being the older brother by one year, decided to be the bigger person and ignore his sister. He slung his guitar case off his back and set it on the ground.
"Landon, I'm hot." Casey griped once more.
Landon opened the case and lifted his beat up guitar from its case, and began to tune it. Casey Gave up on complaining and began to say her brother's name over and over and over again. After a couple minutes of this, Landon couldn't stand it anymore.
"What?" He snapped Irately, looking up from his guitar.
"I'm hot." Casey had already taken off her trench coat, but still wore her floppy red beanie.
"Lose the hat." Landon advised.
"Not gonna happen. I told you, this hat never leaves my head. Ever."
"Casey--"
"Ever."
"Come on--"
"E-ver."
Landon sighed. It was impossible to argue with his strong headed sister, so most of the times, didn't even try. He finished tuning his guitar, and began playing the opening chords to man of constant sorrow. As the performance progressed, the people passing by would drop money in Landon's guitar case. Casey and Landon took turns picking and performing songs, his mostly being classic country or folk songs, cases leaning more towards alternative rock. Landon loved listening to his sister sing. She possessed an alluring alto voice that was surprisingly well developed for a fourteen-year-old. The day drew on, and the money piled higher and higher in the guitar case. Then, just when Landon's hopes were beginning to rise, a hand reached out and grabbed the neck of his guitar. "I hate to break this little get-together up, but you two runaways are coming with me." Landon looked up into the woman's violet eyes. He could tell she was not sorry at all.
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Casey looked over at her brother and gave him her best what now look. Landon nodded, then glanced in the direction of his guitar case, and back at Casey. "Why should we go anywhere with you?" Landon stalled, kneeling down and closing his guitar case.
"That's for me to know and you to never find out."
Casey reached out, and grasped the handle of the guitar case, subtly drawing it nearer to her.
Landon scowled. "I've heard that before. You're a Myth Hunter, aren't you?"
Instead of answering, the woman charged at Casey. With a mighty heave, Casey swung the guitar case, and it connected with the side of the woman's head with a satisfying thwack. the woman stumbled sideways, dazed, and Casey shoved the case back to Landon. "Um..Here's this back." she said. Casey grabbed her coat and the two siblings sprinted down the sidewalk. The sound of pounding footsteps told them they were being persued. Casey and Landon pushed through the crowds of people until they came to a crosswalk. They didn't even wait for the light to change. They dashed out in front of the cars, ignoring the honks and angry shouts of the drivers. While their adversary was stuck behind the swiftly moving traffic, Casey and Landon put as much distance as they could between her and them. When they finally stopped, they found themselves in an almost empty parking lot behind some sort of store. The smells of Toasting bread and meat told Casey it was a sandwich shop. Her mouth began to water. Beside her, Landon had his hands on his knees, and was still trying to catch his breath. "I think...we lost her." He gasped between gulps of air. Casey scoffed inwardly. "Outta gas already? I shake my head at thee, brother." Casey said, doing just that. "Hey, I know what'll make you feel better. Food. Come on, let's put that money to good use."
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Better late than never, right? Eheheh...sorry.
Alright, let's get started! First off! New characters!
While I get the feeling that Alli won't be too much of a major influence in the story, I couldn't help but notice a few kinks with her. First off, the name-dropping of Veridia seems rather forced. If Alli's so ambitious, would she correct herself so respectfully? She also seems to be intelligent, so it feels like more of a deliberate slip, and if it's just to support the plot, it's a no-go. Come to think of it, the name-dropping isn't so necessary after all. I'm sure the readers have Veridia fresh enough in their minds for you to avoid sounding out-of-place and redundant. Whether you want to keep Alli around to develop her is up to you in later chapters.
As for Landon and Casey, I've got to admit that they're pretty well-done. Casey's believably tough for a runaway, while Landon seems like a cool opposite. Overall, I think their interactions will become a strong part of their characters, so I look forward to seeing them again.
As for your descriptive style, oddly, it seems to be supporting itself just fine. Normally I enjoy a bit more flair and dynamic, but this serves its purpose just as well. Although, keep in mind that one of the major advantages of writing from a perspective is imagery, which is the application of sensory details. Mentally triggering sensations in the reader is a good way to immerse them in the story's environment. Again, literary devices are at your disposal. A book focusing on magic would usually find them crucial, so I suggest you prioritize description in fights.
Overall, there's not much negative to say here. I suppose the pressure is more placed on "The Guild" that should be showing up in a few chapters. It'll be interesting to see how all this ties together, so put on a show!
-Chaser
Hey, TheFantasy14!
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Things I've added are in bold, things I'd get rid of are crossed out.
(Change the period to a question mark)
Original~
Revised Suggestion~
Original~
Revised Suggestion With Paragraph Breaks~
(Notice fixed typos above as well.)
"Man Of Constant Sorrow" (the words need to be capitalized)
Break the paragraph when when the dialog starts, and start a new paragraph after it. So it looks like this~
Original~
Revised~
Original~
Revised~
(Notice the un-capitalization of "toasting" and paragraph breaks)
Overall, this was great. Tag me when to next part is up!
~Myth
alright, ive fixed my paragraph breaks and will fix up the issue of everyone being oblivious to the fact that Casey hit some lady with a blunt instrument tomorrow. (Avalon's brother's name is Adrin.)
Ok, I hope I wasn't blunt about anything, because this was a really good chapter