About 15 min. later, a red long car arrived at the bar and a medium heighted quite a bit fat, somewhat dark man stepped out of the car. It was Boliver, indeed, as guessed by Mafia. He entered the bar in a rush only to find a dead body on the floor with spilled blood everywhere. He was quite courageous and went straight towards the corpse.
"Adam!! My God! So---so mercilessly murdered!" Boliver was shocked at the whole scenario and he started sweating out of tension. He broke into tears on seeing Adam's pathetic body lying on the floor.
After sometime, a lonely wanderer was trespassing and he was shocked to see the bar open.
"This bar usually remains closed. Why is this open today!?" And out of curiosity, he went inside.
"Murder! Murder! Aaaaaaaaaaa!" And he hurriedly called the police.
"You--you killed this man!?"
"No-- there's a misunderstanding! Look, this is Adam, my friend---"
"Nah! Don't make excuses! You were the one who were watching the dead body and didn't even call the police or make any move--- and look, you are sweating too!"
"Don't accuse me of my friend's murder!"
"He might not be your friend at the first place! He might be a foe of you too!"
"What the hell! Are you crazy? This guy is my friend!"
"Who is the murdered then? I didn't see anyone nearby except you!"
"Oh God! Life is full of troubles! Firstly my car was not starting and now this accuse!"
They were arguing and the white poilce car stopped in front of the bar.
The squad of three police officers went towards the dead body where there was a dark red River of blood, painting the floor.
Selenile crouched down as she wore the white gloves. She was a tall police officer with athletic body. Her fair face looked even more prettier when the golden light fell upon her face. She observed the single deep wound at the centre of the body's chest.
Zinamide got busy on phone, calling the van that would take the corpse to the forensic lab and informing Dr. Kelvin and his coworker, Dr. Miss Celcius.
Folica who was quite darker like Boliver and shorter, was clicking photographs of the crime scene. Her pony tail was swinging from side to side as she moved around the dead body, taking pictures from different angles.
Selenile asked the two, "Did any of you both touch the body?"
"No.." answered Husk, the lanky lonely wanderer.
Bolivar immediate followed, "Not me either!"
"Good." Selenile nodded her head.
Zinamide had by now finished talking on the phone calls.
"It's you who called us? Right?" Zinamide asked Husk in his low pitched, deep, cracked voice.
"Yes, sir." Husk replied as he looked up towards the hefty and tall figure (Zinamide).
Folica was done clicking the photographs and walked towards the two gents, who were now under suspicion of the police officers.
"Who is this person?" Folica pointed towards the corpse, "Do you know him?"
Husk began telling, "Ma'am, I came here just because I saw this bar open. It usually remains closed and today it wasn't---"
"Ma'am this is Ad--" Boliver's chirpy little voice interrupted.
"Just a second, let him finish first," Said Folica and then she gestured Husk to continue.
"...And when I came here, I saw no one else but this man. Ma'am---" Husk gestured her to come closer. Folica went closer to him.
"I think, he's only the murderer."
"We'll decide that. You don't take tension." Folica smiled.
"What were you saying Mr. Boliver?" Folica frowned.
"Ma'am, he's Adam, a friend of mine. Last night we planned to meet up here, have some rum and play cards. But I couldn't come here because my car wasn't starting only."
"Okay."
Selenile stood up and walked towards Zinamide and Folica.
"This case seems complicated!" Folica was worried.
"Yes, Folica. But we will not let the culprit slip away." Zinamide was determined.
"Let's check the house, we will surely get something."
The three spread in different directions and started to search for clues.
"Hahaha! They'll never get the know it's me who murdered him!" Mafia muttered to himself. He was sitting in a dark chamber, just 5 km away from the bar. He was listening to their talks through the system that he had installed in his smartphone.
Zinamide walked towards the reception desk. He hurriedly opened all the drawers and swiftly went across the papers and other stuff that was there in them. He, however, didn't notice the chip as it was very precisely taped on the upper wall of the lowest left drawer.
Zinamide crouched down and searched for something under the desk.
"They won't even get my shoe prints!" These are specially designed shoes that don't ever leave any mark behind! Hahhhaha! Thanks to my creative mind. I made these long long back. Muaahhhahahahaa" Mafia muttered to himself. He continued to listen to their talks.
Folica was searching the dusty containers in the kitchen. "The leftover food is stinking.. eeww!" She moved her hands in the air, trying to disperse the smell away. She got nothing suspicious in the kitchen too and Zinamide and Folica went back into the hall.
"Zinamide, Folica! Come upstairs along with Boliver and Husk!" Selenile screamed from usptairs.
The four went upstairs.
"That's what I wanted! Surpriiiise!" Mafia smiled wittily.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Perfect Crime. (4)Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hey Eros, Messy here with a review. This one might be a bit shorter than usual. A lot of what I would say I've already said, so I'll just sum that up quickly.
I noticed you liked every chapter you posted. There's not necessarily anything I can do about that, but I would recommend just letting your works get likes on their own. Especially since things get featured based on the likes we get on our works. Just something to think about.
1. The way you write much of your dialogue comes across as more if you were writing a script than it does a novel. A lot of this is that you write a lot of dialogue with no tags such as "She said, he said" etc. And that's okay, you don't always need to. But in instances like this, I think you could make it better if you added more little bits of reactions. For instance, he's being accused of murder! (we'll get to that in a moment) You do say he is sweating. I'd like more than that as the chapter progresses. Does he wring his hands? Does he scratch his head, or perhaps he stutters when he is nervous? Or does he get very loud and defensive?
2. As for the accusation, I think the drunk outside, Husk, does the natural thing in accusing Boliver since he sees him standing over the body. I will say this though, it comes across as the police immediately blame Boliver, despite no knife, no blood on Boliver, no sign of struggle, or any preliminary police work. They would question him, probably in further detail than you go. I'm not too read-up on police work, but I did appreciate how you had the whole crew working, pictures, looking for evidence, etc. I will say this though, I don't know if they would start snapping pictures immediately. Usually, they would scan the place for evidence and probably put down some markers (little tags and chalk outlines of things of interest) and then take pictures of everything, I'd look it up
3. I think you should cut out the bits of with Mafia. We already know he has the microphone in there, and he's obviously set this up. I think we should focus more on Boliver. How is he feeling, what thoughts are going through his head?
Honest question, is English your first language? Because there is some dialogue that I was going to talk about, but if it isn't your first language that would explain some of it.
I do like your cliffhanger. I honestly would say that overall I think if you took a little bit more time on your chapters, really filling them out, they could be even better. Think through your five senses. What does it smell like, feel, sound etc. Get more of the emotions going.
As an aside, you introduced A LOT of names in this chapter, and we basically got a profile description: Folica=body inspector, Zinimade= phone calls, etc. That's a lot for a reader to take in and envision all at once so be careful with introducing a ton of things at once.
Last thing I promise
~Messy
Yeah, you caught it that English isn't my first language... I will add more of the descriptions and feels to it smell etc ... Thank you so much for the review!
Loving the way this story is going however a few comments I firsthave on this chapter. First of all the way the stranger is immediately accusing Boliver of the murder and being so adament about it is intriguing and makes me wonder if that is planned especially with the timing of it. Secondly I feel that " You were the one who were watching the dead body and didn't even call the police or make any move--- and look, you are sweating too!" reads a little disjointed I would suggest something more along the lines of" You were just standing there over the body, not moving or calling the police---and you sweating too! ". Additionally a little later on" Who is the murdered then? " does not make sense where as" Who is the murderer then? " does. My final major virtue on this chapter is I do not understand what is being meant by the phrase " You don't take tension". I know I have been quite picky with some of these comments but that does not mean this is a great chapter i look forward to seeing where this leads.
Yes, it should be murderer instead of murdered... Thanks for pointing out
You don't take tension . I meant to say that if the wanderer has not done anything, he should not worry about what conclusions are made regarding who is the murderer. The poilce will find that out.
Thank you so much for the review!!
Hi there!
Nice chapter!
So the first thing I noticed is this: " medium heighted quite a bit fat."
that is really awkward. Maybe change it to this: " of medium height, and quite fat"
That is the only thing I noticed! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful and keep up the good work!!
Thank you so much! Yeah, I will change this thing of medium height
It's amazing.... The story is so so well going... I am loving and enjoying it eros.. Great work
...
Thank you so much, Sweta!! Your comment means a loooot to me <3
Most welcome dear, its going really well..i mean it too