Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Adam slipped his hands inside the pocket of his pant, swiftly removing his grey coloured, slick smartphone. He unlocked the phone and dialed the police.
"Damn! No network!?" He tried to on his mobile data but there was no network. He collapsed on the floor and sat, supporting his back on the wall. His fingers left a sweaty trail over the smooth and clean screen of his smartphone. He burried his head between his arms that rested over his knees.
Knock knock...
"Adam?"
"Mafia!! Please, let me loose! What have I done to you?" He banged on the door.
"Shhh. Quiet! Stop screaming for help and search for the hidden switch. Don't you want the lights?"
"Switch? There's no switch here."
"Search it. Only then will I open the door."
"You'll open the door? Promise?"
"Yeah, promise, Addy!"
Adam opened the torch of his smartphone and began searching for the switch.
"Hey, Mafia! That's easy! I found the switch."
"Where is it?"
"Right beside the door."
"Yes, switch it on!"
Mafia was waiting outside like a lion waiting for his prey. Within a fraction of seconds, Adam shrieked like a cat who's stepped on its own tail.
"That's what I wanted!" Mafia opened the door and switched the lights on.
He laughed with joy as he saw Adam's left leg stuck in the specially designed claw shaped shackle.
Adam squeezed his eyes in pain, letting out low moans. He kept bearing the pain, "What do you want from me!?" Adam screamed.
"Entertainment."
Adam looked at him with anger.
"Let's begin the death game," Mafia removed the dagger from the sheath that clinged to his waist beneath the black jacket. Mafia moved towards Adam.
"D-d-dagger! M-mMafia! No...NO! D-ddon't come closer! M-m-Mafia! Ma-Mafia! Please ..." Adam's blue eyes were filled with terror. His brown face was wet with sweat.
"I'm gonna kill you, dear Adam!"
Adam's heart beats along with his breathing rate increased with every step of Mafia.
Mafia raised the dagger in the air and was about to stab him, but Adam crouched down at the perfect moment. He pulled Mafia's leg and he fell down hard on the floor.
Adam gathered all his strength and pulled the claw open with both his hands and slipped out of the room.
"Hahhaahaa! I am smart. You can not run away from me for long! In fact, I wanted you to run away. That adds a thrill to the game. Aaadam, I am coming!!" Mafia roared angrily.
With that Mafia stood up and slipped out of the room.
"Aaaaah! There you are!" Mafia shouted. Adam started running down the staircase. Mafia chased him, moving the dagger in his gloves hands, up in the air.
As he was rushing, his left leg sent a current of sharp pain and Adam tumbled down the last three steps and started crawling behind. Mafia slowly stepped down smiling with pleasure.
"You look like a terrified chikoo fruit! Your complexion is like the delicious chikoo. And a chikoo is cut opened by the---?"
"Kn-knife---" Adam's body shuddered and the fine little hair on his hands stood up, showing clear cut goosebumps.
"Right!" Mafia walked towards him. Adam breathed in the air of helplessness.
Mafia clutched the collar of Adam's shirt. Drop of sweat trickled down Adam's forehead. He joined his hands and begged him, "Please leave me ... Please, don't kill me! I don't want to die! Somebody help me!! He will kill me! Save me!!"
"Hey! Is anyone here? Help this poor man here! Someone please call the police!" Mafia shouted along with him.
"Hahhhaaaha," Mafia laughed, "Nobody's gonna come here! This is an abandoned little bar of your friend, Boliver, that's lying here isolated since 4 years because there's no customer who'll come to live in this dingy little bar on the outskirts of the town."
Mafia pulled him closer to his chest by his collar and rested the knife on his neck.
Adam felt the cold metal across his neck and his eyes opened widely. Mafia traced his forehead and down his cheeks upto his chin with the knife.
"My Miami is waiting for me, Mafia... Pleease," he paused to take a breath, "Please let me go."
"Oh, is it?" Mafia was amused at it.
At last, he laid Adam on the floor and tightly pinned his body down. Adam was breathing heavily.
"Mafia, We are married just last month. Mafia please let me go...What have I done wrong with you?"
"Stop this emotional drama, you know!" Mafia was getting angry and he raised up the dagger a little above his own head and with a forceful thrust, he stabbed Adam right at the centre of his chest. Adam screamed out with intense sharp pain, unable to breathe properly. In fraction of seconds, fountains of blood gushed out of his body. He moved his hands and legs trying to get up, and finally he was lying there, in the pool of blood. "Wake up, Adam! I wanna play more!"
Adam didn't wake up. He touched his neck and couldn't feel the pulses. "Oh... He's dead. Aaah. That was so much fun!" Mafia's interest instantly dropped down.
Mafia closed Adam's wide open eyes and walked towards the reception desk. He fitted a micro-chip sound recorder on the upper surface inside the lowest left drawer of the table and installed the software in his smartphone. He then, walked out of the bar. The sun was rising and it was 6 am in the morning.
What will happen when Boliver comes here?
Read more to know more.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Perfect Crime. (3)Points:
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Canary word: Present
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Well this chapter felt a little different to the last one. To be quite honest it felt like this one was a little rushed with the speed of the scene. I can understand if the idea was to make it seem more frantic and fast paced but to me it felt like it was more squashed in. However i do very much love the addition of Mafia calling out for help for Adam making it obvious he knew no-one was about and that he didn't care if he screamed for help it wasn't going to matter. There doesn't feels quite the same cliffhanger here to encourage reading further but i guess not every chapter in a novel needs that but it just feels to me as though overall this was a rushed chapter with an almost anti-climactic finish. However in the pure writing aspect not taking the previous comments into account it is still very good at conveying the characters emotions and characteristics to tell the story.
Thank you so much for the review! I will surely read it again and edit the parts, adding some more to it, smoothing the chapter in the matter of pace...
Hey, here with another (hopefully) helpful review.
I have a lot of thoughts on your opening paragraph so
This may seem nitpicky, BUT, he is in darkness as we learn in a moment, where he goes for the light switch. That being the case, it just feels off that we should learn his eye color through this tidbit. Because as an outside POV we are seeing everything like he is, meaning pitch darkness beside his phone screen.
I like the bold sentence. It's a simple sentence, and kind of random, but it's also a random thing that someone like Adam might notice, and it also shows us that he is presumably nervous since he's sweating. Maybe the room is hot, but considering they were wearing jackets I'm guessing not.
However! I think "he had given up all hopes of freedom" is just too much. First off, I think you show that well enough in the next sentence where he slumps down on the ground with his head between his hands. You cut that sentence short by saying the one I just quoted. Not only that, but your readers are smart! Don't dumb it down to the point where you point blank tell us stuff that you can show otherwise. I think if you cut the freedom line the paragraph goes well but gives us as a reader the ability to say "oh, he's pretty down on his predicament" by our own accord.
So, I have some notes here. I think you should put the "Adam crouched" sentence after Mafia raising the dagger, and THEN put that he missed his target. Otherwise, it sounds like Mafia misses Adam when he raises his dagger, and then Adam ducks. And to that end, just how does Adam avoid a dagger swing, pry open a trap, and leave the room without Mafia stabbing him??? Maybe if you were to say that Mafia swung but Adam ducked and rammed his shoulder into Mafia, sending him to stumble back on the ground which gave time Adam the time to escape.
So, I have a lot more notes I could say, but I 'll just summarize them.
1. I think you should take a look at your dialogue as a whole, including using texting type of writing. Take for instance when Adam or Mafia yell. Rather than writing "aaaaa" perhaps explain the yell itself. When Adam steps into the trap, let us know what that yell sounds like. Is it a roar like an injured bear, or is it more of a shriek like a cat getting stepped on its tail?
2. I'd also take a look because there is one part where you switched tenses all of a sudden to present tense near the end. That' just a minor thing you'll want to edit at some point.
3. When Adam escapes, you say he runs out of the room, then say he hides behind something in the same room. I was confused as to the layout of the second story at that point. And to that end, how is Adam running if he just stepped in an animal trap? His leg would probably be broken near the ankle, and if not he would at least have several tendons and ligaments torn. When you sprain your ankle badly it can render you basically impossible to walk, so a trap snapping on your leg would more than likely leave you little more than limping. You do mention that he falls down the stairs which is good, but perhaps have that happen immediately. He has a bit of adrenaline that lets him get out of the room, but when he tries to put pressure on his leg it buckles and he bounces down the stairs.
4. I thought that when Adam gets pinned down you hit a nice balance for a little bit of description and emotion with the blade pressed against his neck. I thought that the last little bit, with Mafia being extremely cold and basically acting like he finished a meal like "mmm that was good, can't wait to do it again".
5. I am interested to see Boliver and who he is and waht happens there. I'm assuming he'll be blamed for the murder.
6. I actually thought that our MC was Adam, and so I was halfway surprised that he just BAM died. I think you could draw out the scene a little longer, perhaps by adding some dialogue tags and more emotion from Adam. There are so many emotions that would be going on through his head.
I hope this helps and is not a discouragement. I'll be hitting up Part 3 some time soon
~Messy
Absolutely loved the review!! It wasn't discouragement lool I loved that roar like an injured bear, or is it more of a shriek like a cat getting stepped on its tail? Thing. And you inspired me to edit it all up RIGHT away! Especially the broken ankle thing and Mafia raised the dagger, Adam ducked, Mafia missed thing and Adam's leg hurting because of the trap and all the things that'll make the chapter really well... Especially the emotional scene at the last just before the end, and what effect does it have on Mafia... I am right now adding the things.
Yeah, I have done it!
Hiii Eros, you are great at writing...
My review is the chapter was much more interesting we got to know about mafia and his intention of playing and k8lling Adam just for fun. Boliver , who is he. I want to know about him. The starting is amazing... And i hope thw story is going to be fun.... All the best wishes and great work
Thank you sooo much for the review, Sweta!! Your inspiring words mean a lot to me!!
Most welcome dear... I love thriller stories so do inform me when update...
Yaay sure!