The moon was half hidden behind the dark fluffy clouds and there was a storm in the month of November flowing, covering the whole town in cold. Usual silence prevailed in that isolated street on the outskirts of town where a little old bar was located.
In that dimly lit filthy bar, a tall fair man of 26 wearing black leather jacket and a black hat was sitting on the chair near the reception desk. He was moving back and forth slowly on the old flexible chair, causing a single creaky sound in the dead-silent bar.
The door opened with a distinct creaky noise and he smiled at the sound. The creaky sound seemed to please his ears.
"Welcome to the bar, Adam!" said the man to the brown complexioned customer who entered the bar, wrapped in layers of sweatshirts and mufflers and gloves.
"Ah-ah...How the hell do you know my name!? Asked Adam, the lean and short man of 30.
The man in black answered immediately, "I'm Mafia and Boliver sir is busy somewhere, so he asked me to welcome you and show you the room where you'll be sipping rum and playing cards." He stood up from the chair and walked towards Adam.
Adam looked at Mafia with suspicious eyes. "Boliver is my close friend but why didn't he tell me about you, Mafia?"
Mafia shrugged his shoulders.
"Oh, well! It must have been an emergency call... He was telling me something about his grandma's health that day." Adam convinced himself.
"We have a room upstairs, Mr Adam."
Adam looked up to Mafia, who was taller than him. He was left wondering about how muscular and fit Mafia was. He compared himself with him and thought how weak and lanky he looked in front of him.
Mafia whispered in his ear, "Let's go," making him a bit scared. Mafia whispered again in his ears, "Simply follow me."
"Why do you keep whispering in my ears!? That's---"
"That's creepy..." Mafia's low voice trailed off into a soft murmur. "I don't like noise. Silence adds to the thrill."
"Thrill?" Adam shouted at Mafia.
"I mean, I mean, chill. Silence is calm, chill?"
"Oh, yes! I got it." Adam was still suspicious on him. He noticed a characteristic scar on his forehead. That was the only flaw with his otherwise impeccably beautiful and handsome face. Mafia pulled his hat down, hiding the majority of the upper portion of his face. This act along with his sly smile was imprinted on Adam's mind.
"M-my luggage?"
"Oh don't you worry, don't you worry! I'll bring it upto you after a couple of minutes. You may first freshen up..." Mafia answered. And anyways you won't be needing it from now! Mafia smiled wickedly as he thought.
Mafia climbed the staircase that occasionally made weird noises because of the old construction of the bar. Adam followed him, getting scared often at the cobwebs that popped up suddenly in front of him.
Adam coughed because of the dust, "*cough-cough* Don't you cle-- *breathing in with a little difficulty, cough-cough*, clean this bar!?It's stinking badly!" Adam cupped his hands over his nose and mouth.
Before Adam could understand anything, Mafia pushed him into the dark room and stood there, blocking the door. "Of course not, You fool!"
Adam attacked Mafia and kept pushing him out of the way but in vain.
"Forget your friend, Boliver! He's not gonna come any soon! It's midnight and he won't get any taxi. His car too is not gonna start until 6. I have kept a chip in, that's blocking the car's ignition mechanism. After 6 the chip will melt and he'll come straight over here. Mafia laughed loudly.
Adam punched him on the stomach and kicked on Mafia's legs that seemed to be cemented to the floor. His moves were futile, Mafia was extremely strong.
"Forget that rum and cards that you were going to play. The game is changed. You'll play a game of death with meeeeeee! Muahhahahhahaa!" Mafia threw him inside the room and locked the door behind him.
"Poor, meek humans! Haah!" Mafia slipped the key in the pocket of his jacket and turned around to leave.
"Mafia! Open the door, Mafia!!" Adam was screaming his heart out, banging his fist hard on the door. He was sweating with the adrenaline rush, resulting due to the fearful silence and stark darkness inside the room.
"Mafia, are you there!? What the heck are you going to do with me?" He kept screaming behind the locked door and the tapping of shoes on the floor was heard. Adam moved away from the door, afraid of Mafia. He thought Mafia is opening the door and he became silent. Slowly the tapping of Mafia's brown heeled shoes was heard fading away.
Who is this fair, tall, handsome man of 26 dressed in black leather jacket, who calls himself as Mafia? What will Mafia do with Adam? Is this any revenge of the past that Mafia is going to take from Adam? What were his motives behind locking Adam in the room? What will happen when Boliver arrives at the bar?
Read to know the answers to these questions.
End of chapter
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
I love the suspense at the end of this chapter and all the many questions of what is going to happen to Adam. It makes you want to carry on reading to see what happens. I also am very interested in reading more about the character of Mafia. Not only that but i find the way you depict him makes him seem rather unstable which makes wondering what might happen to Adam be all the more unsure as there is no telling what this unstable character may be wanting from him.
Thanks k you so much for the review!
Hey Eros, this sounded intriguing so I added it to my reading list. Here we go!
Perhaps all the "Creaks" are here for repetition sake to get us to see that the sound is somehow important, but it just feels like overkill. I like the first creak just fine, in fact, I like that whole sentence. The second and third, however, feel redundant. Perhaps try to use a different word, unless you really want to overemphasize. Synonyms could be "groaned" "yawned" "screeched" etc.
I'm not going to pull up all of your quotes, but you use both ellipses and the "?!". You can keep these if you like, but they are often considered unprofessional in literature. Personally, I think it lessens your writing skills and takes away good chances for us to get a better grip on the scene. Sure, ellipses make us think of a hesitation or a pause, but that's not extremely specific. Is the hesitation cut off with a shriek, or a gasp? Does the voice trail off slowly as a something dawns on the MC? Does his face contort in disgust, or his mouth hang open in surprise? There are so many little character-building things we can see here that get removed when you simply use ellipses.
And the same goes for "?!" All that says is a question and loudness. But that's not very specific. Is it a shock, like a screech where someone yells so suddenly that they go falsetto? Is it more like when you nearly choke on your words because of what is happening? Does the MC's face go red in anger, or does the color drain from his face as he realizes the pickle that he is in? All of these can show a deeper level to your character and how he responds to shock, or violence, or stress.
Sorry, that was long, but I think especially in a crime noir story these things can really build the atmosphere and mood, sometimes better than the setting itself, but take it with a grain of salt. Moving on
You switch POV's in this story a lot. First, we are following MAfia, but then we kind of switch to Adam, and then back to Mafia. I can see that you are trying to build up tension in this scene, but I think by giving us Mafia's inner thoughts, especially so early on, really cut that out. I almost immediately knew that Mafia was bad, and Adam was screwed. I would do that entire chapter from Adam's perspective. Let us know that he doesn't feel comfortable, that something doesn't seem right. Then you can really build up the whole scene, from meeting a new person and all the rapid-fire thoughts that come there, and then his uncomfortableness as he goes to the room, then the shock as it dawns on him that he is in trouble. This way the whole scene we are getting more and more uncomfortable, but we never know when Mafia will strike. It would also allow for some despair when Adam gets locked in the room, perhaps the initial panic and whatnot.
One last thing before I get to some positives. You use some of the basics to describe the people here, that I think you can do better. I did like the scar because that goes farther than "he was tall" because tall means different things to different people. When I think tall I think someone above 6'3 or 6'4, but for someone much shorter, I am very tall at 6'2. Now, if you say he had to duck under the doorframe then I have a better image at least of how tall he is in relation to the room he is in, with you saying "He is 6'5, 250 pounds".
Now, I think you have an interesting idea here. Adam doesn't die right away, so there is hope that he will make it out. We also have almost no idea what is going on, and so there are lots of questions. And then there's Mafia. You described him almost as something otherworldly. Not to mention, why was Adam meeting up with Boliver, who seems to be bad, or at the very least, not in a great line of work? And how is Adam going to get out? I'll be reviewing the rest of the chapters as you post them and I have time. I hope this helped!
~Messy
Yes, the review was really helpful and I gotta know where the little things can be improved to enhance the writing skills. Thank you so much for the review!
Hey, sweta here.... Here my opinion on your work.
I like the title perfect crime. It describes that this is going to be thrilling. And I like the way you have described mafia character. He is a mystery man now and you developed his characters very nicely. The story is short but it is good. I like the overall description, storyline. It made me read the other part soon.
It's catchy and holds the reader too. Great work update soon... I like it...
Thank you so much! Rhe next part will be out soon ... I'll tag you if you'd like to read
Yes, Eros, most welcome do tag me. I really enjoy this one