It was seven o’clock in the morning and Rosalie could already tell that it was going to be a hot day. As she entered the living room, the wood floor singed her bare feet. Sean would sleep for another hour, at least. But her mother would be awake soon. Still in her nightgown, she would make breakfast. They would eat in silence, and Alison would go back to her room, even though she never slept past seven-thirty. Sean would wake up, help himself to leftovers, get dressed and leave in a hurry to spend the day with Laura. And Rosalie would be alone, left to read or listen to the radio or walk over to the diner to get a chocolate shake. Alison kept the record player in her room, and throughout the day Rosalie would hear the faint sound of Bing Crosby coming from her mother’s bedroom, or the soundtrack of Top Hat, Fred Astaire’s soft voice calling out to his love, to a time now a distant memory.
Rosalie sat down on the couch, rubbed her eyes, and looked out the window. It was Saturday and thus still of the precious hour before anyone had anywhere to be. It was times like this when Rosalie’s head was the clearest. In her mind she formed vivid fantasies of a time and place far from now. She rode the subway in New York City in the finest tailored suit as she carried a leather bound notepad, on her way to interview important people for a story in the Times. Her father used to tell her she could be anything she wanted to be.
The past month and a half since school had let out for the summer, and every summer before, had seen many days like this. Rosalie doubted that it being her birthday would make it any different. There was no money to do anything and no one to share it with. No one except Sean. Growing up, he had been there to fill the lonely days. Now, Laura was all that mattered.
Her eyes drifted to a photograph on the shelf above the radio. It was her favorite photograph, one she stared at often, once so hard she began to notice the blots of ink on the individual fibers of the paper. It was of her parents on their wedding day. Her father was holding her mother in his arms. To them there was nothing else in the world but each other. Sometimes, she looked at it long enough that she entered an alternate world where Alison and Jim Hastings were a newlywed couple with the world ahead of them, and there was nothing but their love. It was the happiest day of her mother’s life as far as Rosalie knew. She stood up and took the picture in her hands. She sat back down with it, continuing her same introspection. Her father looked uncomfortable in his tuxedo.
It was strange to think that she was nearly the age her mother had been when she and her father had met. The idea of having someone to love that way was such a foreign, distant concept to Rosalie. She thought about it, of course, but the idea of someone being in love with her was not something that could conceivably be a part of her life. Her mother who had always been beautiful, was often told she looked like Donna Reed. Now eighteen himself, Sean had grown rather handsome, but Rosalie had never liked the way she looked. Her eyebrows were too thick, her cheeks too puffed out, her mouth too small. Even though she had her mother’s sandy hair— she and Sean both did— Alison would tell her her how much she looked her father. She had the same eyes, the same shape of the face.
“You’re up early.”
Rosalie jolted upward to see her mother standing in the hallway. Three short months ago Alison had turned thirty-eight, but it was on mornings like this when she seemed even older, dressed in a simple nightgown, hair frizzy, bags under her eyes from lack of quality sleep. On the weekends she had nowhere to go, no reason to pretend that things were better than they really were. “Yeah.”
“What are you looking at?”
Rosalie attempted to hide the photo, but Alison had already walked over to the couch and noticed that it was the wedding picture. Alison just smiled as she took it from Rosalie. “I love this picture.” For a moment she stared at it, and she was in this alternate space and time too. Then she set it down. “I’ll make us some breakfast.” She kissed her daughter on the forehead and started to walk back towards the kitchen. There was no indication that she was aware that it was her daughter’s birthday. It would come to her later in the day, Rosalie thought. She sat there on the couch and sighed.
Alison and Rosalie had just sat down to breakfast—bacon, eggs and toast— when Sean emerged, still in his pajamas. Alison turned to her son. “There’s eggs and bacon on the stove,” she said.
“Coffee?”
Alison nodded. Soon, Sean had sat down next to them on the table, his plate piled high with food. He began to eat, and he turned to Rosalie. “I was thinking,” he said, “that I would take you into the city.”
Rosalie took a moment to process. She was surprised but pleased at the prospect of spending time with her brother. “Sure,” she said.
Alison smiled. The two finished their breakfast and then got ready and left within the hour. On the train they said nothing. Rosalie was afraid of saying the wrong thing so she said nothing at all. It had been so long since Sean had asked her if she wanted to do anything and she didn’t want to mess this up, but it seemed as though Sean had nothing to say to her either.
End of chapter
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140,073 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey there Elinor. I’m starting to make my way through reviewing all the LMS novels I can, so pretty obvious what this intro is about.
It might just be the publishing center messing with your formatting but there’s a couple of things here that I like to call “cosmetic issues”. One of them is having dialogue in the middle of a paragraph without any splits. I can see the stylistic side that might have occurred to you to format it like that but it doesn’t come across on this side of the page.
Because it becomes another block of text, just like the one that the readers are introduced to out of the gate. Opening lines tend to be by themselves or with a minor accompiament. And while they can work in a big paragraph with no lead in, this one does not.
I can put the characters being vague to it being the first chapter but it concerns me how little I as a reader care about the main character. There’s not anything really there that tells me I must cry and care for her. Instead it all feels generic, which I hope will change as we go along.
I’m planning on reading the rest of these chapters because I want to see how the story progresses. For now I’m just giving you this review on the basis of “would I continue reading or not” I thought I should probably explain that if it seems a bit harsh.
The bottom line is that I wouldn’t have even picked this book up in the first place but that’s what you get when you get a review from someone like me. The title and the blips I’ve heard about it were enough for me to know it wouldn’t be my cup of tea, despite the historical fiction label.
I guess it’ll be fun. If you don’t want these reviews, please say so before I continue.
- Lizz <3
Hey Elinor, I decided today to work my way through the LMS week 2 submissions thread, which has brought me back to here!
Nit-picks and nice moments:
Wait, Alison is her mum, right?
I'm not sure "of the precious hour" works as phrasing.
That is an excellent description. Really made it feel real that she had sat there for all that time.
The "himself" here made me think that someone else had been mentioned as being eighteen at some point, which I can't seem to find.
Hrm... is she suspicious of him? It seems like all she wants is for him to actually pay some attention to her, and now that he does, she doesn't actually seem that happy. From the last paragraph there actually does seem to be some tension, but from the way she'd spoken before her reaction does seem odd.
Overall:
I actually quite like hearing the thoughts of characters in a long speech like we have here, especially since it's interspersed with really nice turns of phrase and subtle allusions to things. Speaking of which, you seemed to have conveyed that her father is dead(?) without actually saying it.
I do however think that when it comes to the dynamic between her and Sean I'd have liked to actually witness it. The bit on the train, for example, I could have seen their stilted dialogue, or awkward body language. That for me is the only point where it becomes too tell-y.
The dynamics are all really interesting though, and I'm looking forward to seeing those develop.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hey Ellie! I said I would review this though it appears that you already have two excellent reviews so I'll just be quick
I agree with the others that it's slow as an opening, although that's not necessarily a bad thing. If it were me, I would be mentioning her birthday a little higher up in the passage so that it sparks our interest and it's not just a Day in the Life. The other thing I would love is a mention of where it is they live. The story is called Homecoming and we see the mention of NYC and what I really, really want from this story is a strong sense of place. Which I'm sure will come later on but even a mention of the name of the town they're in would firmly cement it to me in this first section.
It seems like they live such a quiet, sad existence. I was actually a bit shocked by her mother's apparition, because to me it sounded like she never interacted with her kids. Is it a really unusual occurrence? If so, I would love an indication of it, but if not, then I guess just keep things the way they are!
I don't have much else to criticise really, it was a nice little read and I'm interested to keep reading as it goes on!
Ping me for the next instalment?
- Stella x
yay! I'm glad you like it! And certainly will do!
Hello my darling!
Okay so I read this at work on my lunch break, please forgive me if I'm scattered.
Basically, I'm so pleased you're working on this again! I remember reading it as a feature script, I think, a few years ago? It always felt so quiet and sweet, like a slow snowfall on a winter night, and I'm still getting those vibes from this which is beautiful. I think you've really honed in on Rosalie's personality and worldview, and all the touches of her feeling not enough are heartbreaking without being too much. I relate to her, rather than am annoyed by her if that makes any sense?
My main point of critique, like sound suggested before me, is that this does feel quite slow. Rosalie's introspection is great and important and I love everything we learn, but maybe it could be spread out a bit more? Or interspersed with some more concrete action? It would be especially nice to see some action that has some tension to it. You already have the start of something with the fact that it's Rosalie's birthday and no one seems to remember. Maybe there's something there you could play up? Perhaps she could be getting herself especially dolled up for the day, or making herself something to celebrate. I don't know!
Otherwise, what a lovely read! I'm definitely curious to see where this goes, knowing what I do from reading previous versions of this. It'll be interesting to see how Rosalie and her journey change based on how you have changed as you've gotten older (since as I remember you started this story quite young!). I hope that doesn't sound weird or insulting?? In my own writing, my worldview and lived experience has often changed as I've gotten older and become more independent. I noticed it especially after I finished university and really struck out on my own. I'm excited to see how the years between the previous draft I read and this one inform this new version of the story.
I know it's going to be excellent. Thank you so much for sharing, and please keep me updated as you write and post more of this!!
--Lauren
<3
HEY ELINOR!!! I'M HERE TO REVIEW!!!
OKAY SO I LIKE THIS WHOLE FIRST PARAGRAPH THING of you describing her morning, but for a moment, a part of me was looking at all of the woulds and it almost sounded like you were about to be like - this is what would happen but SIKE something surprising and different happened instead! But that's..... probably literally just my brain trying to hop ahead and prepare for surprise twists and turns lol.
Overall I think it's a nice start. It does feel a little slow, just cause there's not a lot of action and not a lot going on. I think most of the strength and weight (in terms of importance) comes with all of the reflection and introspection Rosalie does throughout the morning vs. describing what her morning is like. That said though, I like how with simple details I was able to get that maybe their family wasn't always like this - this distanced and whatnot. Rosalie sounds like she has reason to believe her mom and brother won't remember her birthday and would be rightfully disappointed if they didn't mention it.
It makes me wonder if maybe their dad died, and they're maybe a year or two into the grieving process, and that's why they've all grown so distant from each other. But this is all speculation on my part lol. It's also possible her brother is just caught up in this Laura girl, which can happen with siblings.
Heckin' same, Rosalie. Heckin same. But *winks at camera* heh, heh, I can see where this is going. Mentions of love in the first chapter? Her never knowing what that's like? Admiring her parent's wedding photo and the love they had. Or at least, I think it's had and not have. It sounds like the dad is absent or passed, but I'm only assuming that because of his absence, so idk if I'm inferring that correctly. BUT ANYWAY. HOHO. Sounds like the beginnings of a story of romance.
Noooo bby no.The insecurities are REAL as a teenager (it sounds like she's one? late teens I'm guessing). But it still makes me wanna go "NnOOoOOOO U R BEAUTIFUL," haha.MMMMMM this is relatable. It's hard when you don't feel like you can talk openly with your siblings and just be yourself. The tension here is palpable, and SAD aaagh. I really hope that they have fun when they hang out together, and I hope they're hanging 'cause it's some kind of birthday surprise but....... I won't put my hopes in that lol.
BUT OKAY, yeah. Overall? A solid chapter. I think since it's also the first half of the first chapter I'm hoping some activity - be it action, drama, dialogue, or whatever - picks up in the second half, but I do like how we get such a clear look into Rosalie's head in the very beginning. It very quickly gets us in touch with her character. She's kind of... wistful, and she sounds lonely and like she longs for deeper relationship in general but I don't know if she knows how to go about it.
I'm eager to see where this goes though, and if Rosalie gets to find those close friends, be they in her family or others.
And as usual, if you have any questions about anything I did or didn't touch on, want clarification, more feedback, or whatever, feel free to ask!
<3 sound
AHH ILY.
Yes the dad has passed, about six years before. I'm glad you like it and are curious to see where it's going!
Awww, rip. AND YES I AM!!! <3