Hiya, Elinor! I've not read the other parts of this story, but this has been kicking around in the Green Room for quite some time so I thought I'd drop in and review it. I know the general premise of the novel so I could follow this pretty well, but I apologise if I misunderstand some things. I don't feel like this was the best chapter to come into cold, given that it's so backstory-heavy, so take some of my critiques with a pinch of salt.
Small Comments
It seemed to be Union Station. It wasn’t explicit, but that was what she had sensed from the dream, even though she had never actually been. Rosalie sensed she was older from the way she dressed and carried herself. She had a train to catch, but was running late. It was busy and she couldn’t find her gate, for it hadn’t been printed on her ticket.
I think you could've done with a bit more description of the dream setting, because this feels more like you're reporting the dream to me than evoking it. You skimp on quite a lot of details, like what the station looked like, what she was actually dressed in, how the busyness affected her - as in, were people bumping into her or crowding round her? Obviously dreams can be vague sometimes, so I'll give you some leeway, but it would've been nice for you to set the scene more.
As Rosalie passed her mother’s room, she thought she heard her stirring. Then, the sound of crying.She was definitely awake and she was crying.Rosalie paused, wondering if she ought to do something.
You don't need that middle sentence - you're just repeating what we already know.
Rosalie remembered it so vividly she could hear the music playing, feel the texture of the ornaments in her hands, see the pale yellow of their walls, taste the aftertaste of the roast Alison had made for dinner.
This is a nice passage, but it's lacking a bit of specificity. What music? What texture? What aftertaste? You don't need to add much, but a few extra details would go a long way. If you had something like:
Rosalie remembered it so vividly that she could hear the carols echoing back to her, feel the cool, slippery texture of the ornaments in her hands, see the pale yellow of their walls, taste the turkey Alison had made.
This is just an example, but I think adding in those extra specifics makes the scene much easier to ease into. Instead of having to grapple in the dark and conjure our own idea of what the music and texture and taste was like, it offers the reader a foothold.
One day, about a week before their last Christmas together, they’d been sitting around the radio after dinner. Earlier that day, they’d been sledding, and Rosalie had gone down by the hill by herself. Rosalie had tried to sit in her father’s lap.
“You’re getting a little big for that, pumpkin,” he told her.
Alison motioned for Rosalie to come sit next to her and Sean on the couch, and she did. Before, Jim stopped his daughter and kissed her on the forehead.
This relates to what Biscuits said about the memories getting a little confusing, but this part is hard to process. Because you barely set the scene for the memory of them sitting around the radio before leaping fleetingly into the sledding memory, I can't keep track of which one we're supposed to be in. My first assumption when 'Alison motioned for Rosalie' was that we were still talking about sledging, so it was jarring when I realised we'd leapt forward into the radio memory again.
Overall Thoughts
Okay, the first thing I want to talk about is description, because it kind of relates to what I've mentioned in the small comments. I've noticed that you're prone to lines like this:
As Rosalie passed her mother’s room, she thought she heard her stirring.
Not able to sleep because it was still early, they heard their parents arguing downstairs.
There's nothing glaringly bad about these lines, but you are consistently doing something that cuts out the middle man. Rather than describing the sounds themselves and leaving the reader to infer what they are, you describe what they are and leave the reader to infer how they sound. You're making us work from the top downwards, which is okay sometimes, but if it happens consistently, it gives the whole story a bit of a tell-y vibe. Consider the difference between these examples:
From the office, I heard people arguing, then the sound of someone being thrown into a desk. The arguing stopped.
From the office came raised voices, then shouting, then a sudden crack of bone on wood. After that, silence.
You'll see that while the second example never specifies that an argument is taking place or that somebody has been thrown into furniture, it is precise about the sounds that can be heard. It champions description of sound over the reason for the sound, which means that the reader has to build meaning from the ground up. That's how showing works. Often, good writing will interweave specific description with a mention of what it signifies, which is fine. But specificity is always important.
Returning to the quotes from your story, try to think about what it sounds like when somebody stirs and what it sounds like when people argue. Communicate with your reader without stating everything outright. I always find that building meaning upwards rather than downwards is much more immersive.
With that out of the way, let's address the rest of the chapter. Coming in on a backstory-based instalment isn't the best, because backstory is one of those things that only becomes really interesting when you know the character whom it belongs to. However, that's an issue with me, not you, because judging by Bisc's review, you held back on this for a while.
Bisc is right that the layering of memories gets a big confusing in places, especially given that you work backwards from Jim dying to him then being drafted. However, for the most part I felt like you delivered a clean, clear narrative that I could follow with ease, despite me having come in on the sixth instalment. Your dialogue is strong (as expected from such an avid scriptwriter!) and you do have some really nice scenes in here. I particularly like the moment where Rosalie and Sean go to get hotdogs rather than sitting in eating peanut butter.
One thing I would like to talk about, however, is Jim's characterisation. He's a little too perfect for my liking. Obviously he's Rosalie's father and she's likely to rose-tint him, but I don't really get any sense of his flaws or even the shape of his character in general. He falls into the characterisation that lots of dead parents often fall into in fiction - they were the MC's world, so gentle and special, and their death transformed everything from a dream to a nightmare. It's a bit of a cliché, and I can't help but think that Jim - and by extension Rosalie's relationship with him - would be more interesting if he wasn't so pristine. There's also a realism element, too, because very few people have spotless relationships with their parents. Don't get me wrong, he could still be a great dad, but I feel like Rosalie's whole mourning process would be more engaging if her feelings were a bit messier towards him. It feels like you're writing to a type rather than constructing a completely original dynamic.
Final note, though: I really like that, while it's a historical novel, it still feels really accessible. The world of the story is different, but it doesn't feel unfamiliar. What often turns me off about stories set in the past is how alien the characters and setting feel, but you've done well to capture the universals that exist among every generation and keep the reader connected.
And that's about all I've got to say! It's a solid chapter and there's a lot of potential in it, but I think it just needs individualising a little more, particularly where the characters are concerned. I know you've stopped doing this novel for LMS, but I remember you saying that you were planning to keep writing it outside of the comp, so hopefully this helps some. If you want me to expand on anything I've said here, don't hesitate to ask.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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Reviews: 641
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