Young Writers Society

Hello, I'm sleepthief, and I'm fairly new so I'm still working out a reviewing system, but so far anything I add will be in bold and any comments I have will be in bold-and-parenthesis.

First off, I really do love how realistic it is. Not overly dramatic or cliched when it comes to wartime stories, but very real with real people. I agree with Lava when she said it was a surprise to find out it was 1943. I was picturing modern day or maybe even Korea or something, so I think the best way to make sure the reader knows what time period it is without saying, "By the way, it's 1943" (not exactly subtle ) would be to research the time - the popular clothes, hairstyles, appliances, music, etc - and use your descriptive abilities to cunningly slip in the atmosphere of the 1940s. I would do this in the first paragraph, and also when describing the living room - maybe there's some Glenn Miller or Ella Fitzgerald playing on the wireless, or something clearly WWII era.

Anyway, on to nit-picks!

"Alison, we need to talk.”

Jim's voice is drained (I think "devoid" would be a little more appropriate here.) of emotion, his eyes, narrow and seemingly colorless in the lamplight in the living room. Outside, the sky is opal-black (Now I'm not sure what to think about this, because at first it doesn't make sense - but there is most definitely a black opal in existence, but were you trying to say that the night was black with other colors as well? I know this is awfully trivial and doesn't matter much, but I read it and went ". . . What?" But I'm not sure what to recommend, so. ), and snow swirls violently in the direction of the wind. The fog is thick, obscuring nearly all else on the outside from sight. In the kitchen, the radio plays faintly, reporting these very conditions. (Perfect time to add in some 40s-esque description to clue us in on the setting and time.) I begin to feel lightheaded. The last time Jim was like this, it was two years ago, to when he tell told me that his mother had died.

“Okay.”

Jim gestured gestures toward the couch, and I, without question, take a seat.

“What is it?”

“Just a minute.” When he leaves, I can not help the chills that run down my spine. I feel alone, and afraid, and I don't know why. (This kills me. She feels alone because she is alone at the moment, and I think you can elaborate on her "feeling afraid" to make it seem less blunt.) Nothing has happened yet, and I don't even know whether or not what Jim wants to tell me is bad.

When he returns, he's carrying a slip of paper. His hands are shaking, and there is no color in his face. (Love it! I mean, it's so real and I can picture his anxiety and fear, though it's so simple.)

“What is that?”

He does not respond with words, but instead he comes to me and shoves the paper into my hands. Then, he takes a seat next to me, clasps his hands tightly and gazes down blankly at his feet.

Before I even begin to read, I feel my hands shake and nearly drop the paper.

“James Rudolph Hastings, you are hear by notified that you have been selected for training and service in the army. You will, therefore, report to the 1507 E. Barrald Place, Cumbin, Illinois, at 7:00 am on December 11th, 1943.”

There was more to the letter, but what I had read was enough. (Obviously this is a great moment and she's probably in shock, but could you add a bit more? Perhaps her physical response? Maybe "stomach churning" or "blood turning cold" but probably something more original than those.)“Are you sure?” was is all I could think to say.

“I'm sure.”

“There's nothing we can do, either?”

“I don't think so.”

“What do we tell the kids? How...”

“I don't know.”

I bite my lip, trying to make sense of it all. Just an hour ago, we were a happy family, and our troubles were average. They seemed miniscule compared to now. (Again, I agree with Lava. Please please please rephrase, elaborate, describe, etc.)

I don't know what to say. Different scenarios begin flashing through my head as I see my husband die a hundred different ways. I learn lean forward to hug him.

“I suppose we'll be doing our part to help the war effort,” he says, trying to reassure me. “If I die there, at least I'll know that it's for my country.”

“Don't talk like that, Jim,” I say. “You aren't going to die there.”

Jim doesdon't respond this, but instead, we stay locked in an embrace. It feels nice. (What?? "It feels nice?" I don't want to think about much else right now. All I can think of right now are Rosalie and Sean, asleep in their beds, peaceful. Tomorrow nothing is going to be the same for them.

Overall, I loved it. All it needs is more description, a few rephrases, and a better feel of the era. But you've captured the emotions of a very realistic couple going through a shockingly difficult time.

Also, you seemed to have a problem remembering what tense you were writing in. For example:

Jim gestured (1) toward the couch, and I, without question, take (2) a seat.

(1) is in past tense. (2) is in present, as is the rest of the piece, and there was also one other spot where the tenses were mixed up. But it's very easy to do and I do it all the time, especially when I'm writing two different stories in two different tenses.

Anyway, I loved it and I can't wait to read it when it's edited. I'll be looking for the next chapter. *clicks "Like"*

-sleepthief

Hey Li!

Forgive me if I repeat what Classy might have said; I just skimmed over hers.
But yes,

Just an hour ago, we were a happy family, and our troubles were average.

that is unacceptable from you. I know you have better word-stringing than that, so go quickly and rephrase it, dear. ^^

Now, the first thing is, it was evident to me of the 'time' until I came to

December 11th, 1943.

I thought it was somewhat recent until I see 1943. And then, I'm like 'Oh. Lava switch your head to history mode.' (It did not strike me when I saw the genre.)
So, all I'm saying is, maybe throw in a minute little detail before the date that shows us a glimpse of the time period.
Also; December 11th! (*Squee* Tis my birthday, lol)

Jim does don't respond this, but instead, we stay locked in embrace.

An extra word.
Also; instead of saying 'we stayed locked in embrace' which sounds more like it comes from meh romance novel, try rephrasing it.

Your description here is sparse and beautiful and the entire thing is beautifully sad, but it's too short for me. I mean, it's a potential scene to develop the relation and characters without making it seem like an info dump. I want to see more of them before he leaves and you should show it. Also; I should like to see a little on the dad's relation with the children. And I would like a wee bit more emotion thrown in. But your balance of sad vs. practical is good, so do maintain that, but don't forget her emotions either. You could say something like how she's struggling to control her emotions.

On dialogue, I must this was very good. It was pretty much precise, yet contained so much in it.

*waits for part 2.*
~Lava

Elinor hai!

Woaah so sad. And you know what I love? How real you make it seem. You don't swarm me with lots of cliche sob-story quotes, but with a conversation a couple might actually have. In fact, other than the quote below, nothing really bothered me!

Just an hour ago, we were a happy family, and our troubles were average.

Bergaflabbinugh. I hate this. I totally makes this beautiful piece seem like a work of an amateur, just by writing this. I don't mean to be harsh, but when you're writing, sometimes just going with the flow isn't the best. You should stop and think before writing something like this. Wonder "am I just writing this here because I've heard it said so many times in this situation? Yes." You can do better, I know you have. In fact, you've done better by the rest of the piece.

Here's my suggestion: make it longer. Add another part, some description, but don't over-describe it. I want to see another scene. Possibly them sitting down for a second and sharing memories; that would be cute and would enlighten us about their relationship before it disappears from the story. Once he leaves, we won't get to see what their relationship is like, other than her talking about it, which can get annoying after a while.

When writing this you have to remember all of the emotions going on in her head: this may be the last time she'll ever see her husband. Therefore here, and when writing this, you definitely have to pay attention to the small details. Many things go through a person's head. This woman can see a swing and break out into tears, remembering their first kiss was on a swing. So with emotional couple stories like these, you really have to know your characters. I suggest mapping out their entire relationship. From what I hear, your story isn't about them all that much, but she's still going to think about him when he's away. Just a reminder.

Now, about the scene with the kids. I really want to see this. This would also give me some insight to the husband's personality and ways. You should research how typical men acted towards their children and wives. I know how you write, and I don't expect this man to beat his family, but be sure to keep to history. When you do this, you need to have the children react to him complimenting the way he treats them: if he treats them badly, they probably won't be too shaken up about it, for example. But I think this is a very important scene, more important than telling the wife since children are so sensitive. Plus we have the entire novel to know what's going through the wife's head.

I'm really looking forward to reading more! Great start.

Classy