Focus
Can't think
Not about this
No matter how much you want to
Focus
You stare at the pages
But your eyes flit away
Even as you try so hard to look
Focus
Your mind is a shattered prism
Refracting sparkling rainbows
Illuminating everywhere but here
Focus
This matters to you
This is what you want to do
Why can't you just do it?
Focus
You want to throw your pen
You want to burn your pages
You want-- you need-- to run
Focus
You're running now
Every step takes you further from the pages
You left blank but bloody on the ground
Focus
You keep trying
But you know you won't
You know no matter what you do,
You will never learn to focus.
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140,503 Literary Works • 673,257 Reviews
I can completely relate to this poem! Especially during this time when you can't focus. Like, for example, schoolwork. I would rather be doing anything right now than schoolwork. I want to focus on it. And work. Chores, too! I just can't focus sometimes. I love how truthful your poems are and how you write about facts of life.
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Hannah
Aw thank you so much! I really love all your reviews, I'm so glad you enjoy my work!
Hey Eth! I saw you posted a poem and I thought I'd check it out!
The subject of this poem is really intriguing and pretty original. I really enjoy how you use the second person, because it immerses the reader in the experience and feeling of frustration. The reader is frustrated alongside the poet, even if they haven't experienced those emotions nearly to the same degree. And getting your reader to feel the emotions in the poem is a very important part of poetry.
I also love how you use italics to emphasize the word "focus", and the final line. I do agree with @Magebird that adding a period to the last line would give the poem a sense of completion.
One thing you could consider changing, to add to the feeling of being unfocused, is to move where in each stanza you use the word "focus". Right now it feels a bit repetitive (to me at least) to have it consistently at the beginning of each stanza, but I think it would be interesting if you sprinkled it somewhat randomly throughout the stanzas, so as to give the impression of scattered thoughts. Right now it feels a bit too organized - which isn't at all a bad thing, but for the subject of this poem I think a more disorganized feel would really emphasize the emotions.
I agree with both the previous reviewers that the third stanza uses some absolutely beautiful imagery.
It starts by depicting the mind negatively, then alludes to how beautiful the distraction is, then returns to how unpractical it is. It gives the reader almost a torn feeling, between wanting to chase the rainbows but also needing to focus.
Also, I'm not quite sure about the imagery in this line -
First, because and page can't be blank if it has blood on it, but also, it does feel a bit out of place. You could consider changing it to allude to the previous stanza, where you talk about burning the pages - "You left, blank but streaked with smoke" or something along the lines of that - but totally up to you.
My only other critique would be to try to use some more imagery throughout the poem instead of straight-up telling some things - a few of the stanzas are a bit matter-of-fact. But that's just a personal opinion, the way you've written those stanzas certainly aren't detracting from the poem.
Overall, this was a really strong poem, and you conveyed a sense of distraction and frustration really well. I loved reading it, and I hope this review was helpful!
Keep writing!
Loonz
Edit: oop I see you just added the period so nevermind about that
Thanks Loonz! I like the idea of moving the "focus" around, I'll definitely play around with that.
Also the period is a great point.And your feedback bout the "blank and bloody" line was good. It was intended to be an oxymoron, but it didn't come through well. Maybe "blank yet bloody"? I'll play with that too. Thanks again!Hi there, EthanHoover! I saw your poem lurking in the Green Room and thought I'd try my hand at reviewing it.
Like @Haraya, I was interested in this poem because I have a close friend with ADHD. I can't entirely understand what you or her go through on a regular, but I can certainly relate a lack of concentration - *especially* when I'm trying to write.
(Case in point: I just got distracted by my cat when I was trying to write this review.)
Poems with single-word, general titles usually don't intrigue me, but the title you chose is perfect for the theme of your poem. It's a call to, well, focus. The repetition of the title at the beginning of each stanza achieves the same effect. Because the poem is written in second person instead of first, it implies the reader is the one with the ADHD - rather than the writer.
The different imagery also helps convey the inability to focus; every stanza, save for the fifth and sixth stanzas, has a different event or symbolism taking place. It comes across as chaotic. I'd normally suggest expanding one piece of symbolism, but your poem's style works perfectly for its message.
Speaking of your poem's imagery, this stanza has to be my favorite:
I've never seen getting distracted described that way, but I really love it. It's concise, descriptive, and really does match what losing focus is like.
The only suggestion I can think of is a personal preference of mine - you definitely don't have to agree with it. You avoid using punctuation throughout the majority of the poem, but there are two spots where you do use it. My suggestion is to add punctuation in a third spot: the last line. If you add a period after the last focus, it adds a sense of finality to the poem. For the most part, the last line already gives a conclusion. It would just be a nice extra touch.
Nitpick aside, your poem looks great! I better see it in the literary spotlight soon.
Hey Mage! Thank you so much for the review, I'm glad you liked it. I'll definitely add that period, that's a great point. Normally I use punctuation everywhere in my poems, but for the topic and feel I thought I'd better leave it out for the most part, but the last line certainly reads much better with it. Thanks again!
You're welcome! I'm glad I could help.
Hi Ethan! Haraya here to review.
First of all, I like the topic of your poem. I'm interested to know about ADHD since I found out one my friends was actually diagnosed with it. My basic knowledge of ADHD is that it's difficult to concentrate on any activity. Hence, you repeated the word "focus" in each line and emphasized it with italization. I think it was used appropriately. I'm still not very knowledgeable with the condition, though, so I won't delve further on how accurately you portrayed ADHD. Instead, I want to focus my review on specific lines.
The strongest part of your poem was the third stanza. To me, it means trying to collect your thoughts but instead they diffuse. Nonetheless, I think "sparkling rainbows" weren't the best imagery to use here. They didn't carry the needed pain or frustration one might feel when they lose grasp on an idea. Maybe the "interference" effect of light would be more effective to use here. It is the rainbow-like effect you see on oil or on a disc. I think the disorderly pattern of the rainbow here would be more appropriate with your theme.
There was a similar problem in a different part of your poem.
"You left blank and bloody on the ground"
For the first part, it sounds like there was a typo or a missing word. I couldn't identify the direct object here. What was the "blank and bloody?" The more relevant issue, however, is that it shifted the tone of the poem. I thought mood of the poem was disorderliness. Using "blood" connotes violence, which I think seemed out of place in your poem. I suggest to think of a better image.
That's all! Hope my review helped out. Best of luck to you in your future works!
Hey Haraya! Thanks for the review, it was very helpful. The reason I chose the words "sparkling rainbows" is because the other ideas are so alluring and beautiful, but when you try to touch them they disappear. But I'll play around with phrasing a bit. Also, for the "blank and bloody" line, it's talking about the pages from the previous line, like "...from the pages // you left blank and bloody". I was already worried it might not be clear, so I'll try to change that, too. Thank you so much for the feedback!