Mournful
A king by endless succession
The last son in a golden line.
Fathers and brethren
Mothers
And queens
Plucked from the sky
Like the gold from their plumage.
Wing after wing
Heart after heart
Song after song
Plundered and pillaged.
But now
What remains
Of this glorious lineage?
Just one
One shining feather
One glimmering note
Half of a beautiful duet
Half of a shimmering soul
Music in a void
His heart is strong
But alone
Nothing can linger.
Finally
The last
Golden
Feather
Falls
Silent.
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It's Myth with a review that's just going to be appreciating your poem, and nothing else.
I think the title is very well done. It catches the essence of the poem. It can fit in anywhere from the first line to the last two. The fall, here, also interpreted as autumn or compared to autumn and the feather is the light of the poem throughout in all its obscurity.
I think capitalizing was a good move to fit your style. The "hiss" words are properly emphasized that way, adding more ways in which the poem could be interpreted. Maybe not 'interpreted' but just different moods from the same poem? A broader perspective?
When I read this, I could imagine vibrant convulsions of light the dark. It puts the reader on the spot, to picture something that sounds way too abstract, so it was nice and effective.
I'd say that this was a smart way to end the narrative and the poem together. It wasn't imbalanced or abrupt.
Looking at the poem, I can tell that it's about will, perhaps? Maybe even strength and the tragedy that giving in to weakness is. That's when the title comes into play again. You can imagine yellow and brown leaves that look almost golden fall down slowly gliding back and forth just like a feather. This is why I think that the title was very impactful.
That will be all.
Yours sincerely,
Myth
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[img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/715635114423615549/750281735618428978/My_Post_1.jpg/img]Thanks for the review, Myth! Yeah, I agree, the title fits the poem super well, kudos to @LadyGemstone for thinking it up for me. I'm glad you liked the poem, the feedback is much appreciated! Thanks again!
Haha <3
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give you a quick review. First of all, this is absolutely beautiful! The message you are portraying and the structure are both uniquely wonderful. It’s hard to imagine how quickly a species can completely disappear, and how most of the extinct species are extinct because of humans. Your poem shows how horrible we are for destroying these innocent birds that have been around for thousands of years. All of your imagery really gives the reader a chance to imagine all of the beauty we are wrecking.
I love the structure of this poem. It adds a lot of emphasis on the last few words, making them very impactful. It also gives it a dramatic flair that sets it apart from most poems.
Overall, this poem is well written and full of meaning. It is so colorful and really makes you think. I am so glad that I have had the privilege of reading it. Keep writing!
Thank you so much, Violet!
Hey there Ethan! Tuck here with a review for you this ReviewDay
as opposed toI found your imagery and transitions to be very effective and smooth. The connection of plumage to wings, feathers to heirs, and gold to royalty was *chef's kiss*. I also enjoyed the way you chose to end this with an effective decrescendo, accomplished through italics and line length. Moving onto some areas for improvement:
I felt that the short lines that you chose to use throughout your poem contributed to a choppy and disconnected feeling, particularly in the middle. It's an interesting stylistic choice, and I am curious if it would be more effective to use commas to connect these ideas but put them in longer lines. For example:
The second still maintains those pauses (accomplished through punctuation rather than line breaks) while connecting them enough so that a sense of flow is achieved. Feel free to play around with that specific breakdown as much as you'd like, just some food for thought.
In a similar vein, I noticed that you chose to capitalize the beginning of every line, and I don't believe that's the best stylistic choice for this poem. Especially since you have short lines, it places emphasis on words that do not need emphasis and should not be emphasized. However, I do tend to be very jaded against capitalizing the first letter of every line, as I feel that it's an outdated idea of the "correct" way to write poetry, so that may be souring my opinion slightly.
Finally, I think the image of music in this poem could be better implemented as a motif if you introduced it towards the beginning. It's up to you if and how you choose to work it in, but it would transform the idea of music in your poem from an image introduced at the end to a central theme that is woven throughout the poem. Motifs, in general, tend to have more power than images inserted at various points in the poem, so transforming that idea into a motif may be beneficial for you.
Overall, the ending and images of this poem were strong, but revisiting your choices regarding line length, capitalization, and the introduction of music as a theme rather than a motif may be some good starting points for editing, at least in my humble opinion. I hope these suggestions were helpful to you! I am by no means a poetry expert, so if I spoke against something that you felt was effective and important to this poem, please do not feel any obligation or pressure to accept my advice. If you have any questions about this review, please let me know and I'd be happy to help!
Best,
Tuck
Thank you, Tuck! Those are some great tips, I'll be sure to play around with them a bit. Thanks again!
hey, MomoandAppa, here to review, courtesy of Review day!
i didn't find any grammatical mistakes. this poem carries a very deep message of how we need to protect species that are close to extinction. the last few lines really hit me. birds are so beautiful, and we need to protect not just birds, but other animals. it is horrible how humans hunt animals just for trophies. this poem should be shared everywhere. maybe it would get the message across. you are an amazing author! keep writing!
Hey, thank you so much @MomoandAppa! I really appreciate the review, and I agree, more needs to be done to undo the damage we've already caused. Thanks again!