The Grey Curtained Shadows....

i will put [[hi]] around what i am talking about and i will put {{hi}} were i am adding some thing to your work, and i will put -hi- if i am lining it out. i will be going by paragraph.


1.
Red eyes gleamed with evil in the darkness,
Lips upturned into a cold sneer.
Lurking in the shadows hunting for souls,
[[Quenching {{it's}} thirst by drinking on our life force]] this confused me, (Quenching who's thirst? i thank thats were the {{it's}} comes in handy XD)

2.
Lurking in the shadows,
[[Watching your every {{movements}}moments]] (really ether wold work but i think movements gos better)
If give a chance even if by mistake
You will be pulled into never ending darkness...
Be careful you are being watched

3.
Sinfully beautiful{{?}} (only one Question mark)
Never be deceived as it is a mere facade
For under the facade lies an evil monster (you cold put being and it wold still go good, but you know, it does not really mater )

4.
Filled with lust and thirst for blood,
Is an evil that is darker than black.
Luring you into the darkness
Taking you completely off-guard
When you are vulnerable and all alone...
(i really don't see any thing in this one that needs to be changed )

5.
Claws out at you, destroying you,
Taking pleasure in tearing you apart,
Shredding you into pieces
Holding you in its cold embrace,
Takes the last {{bit}}-ounce- of life out of you.
(i think with the previous words the {{bit}} wold go better, but what do i know, i'm not a poet)

6.
He is the one that is behind all evil.
He is the one who belongs in the darkness.
He is the one who walks {{through}} the underworld.
He is…the devil. (i think this one is my fave! <3 XD)

7.
His aura- screams evil
His eyes- pools of darkness
His hands- craves for violence {{and blood}}

8.
In person- full of mystery
If you ever get to see his true self
-you are history{{…!}}(i don't think so many.............................. and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! really gets your point out... i mean this is what it looked like .................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>.....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, not trying to be rude XD)

thank you for reading my Review!!

Huh! Hey ERZA.

I stopped by based on your request on our Fire Flowers wall. Hopefully I will be helpful to you.

What I noticed was strong in this piece was that you were very conscious of the diction you worked with. You picked all the most sinister words to aid the tone of this piece:

sneer, quenching, lurking, sinfully, lust, thirst, claws, tearing, shredding

They're all nice and evil words that can build the tone even without the story behind it.

The big problem for me, however, was that this poem was nothing I haven't seen before. Plenty of poems use those same scary words and describe the same scary, evil, mysterious being, and I don't want to read the same thing again and again, right?

So what I'd encourage you to do is think about what is TRULY evil in your life. What's a moment you remember where something seemed to you like there was nothing redeeming about it and it was just made up of all the bad things you could imagine? Or, if you can't remember, what inspired you to write this poem? Why did you think this topic was worthy? Write about that story or that reason, instead, as it will be more specific, personal, and thus come out more original and vivid.

Hopefully this made sense and was helpful.
Good luck and keep writing~
PM me if you have any questions or comments~

Afternoon! & happy review day!
I'm not a poet but I really enjoyed reading this! You could expand this into a short story or something its full of such powerful imagery.
I like the way you set us up with the repetition of 'he' before you finally announce that you've been talking about the devil. It's effective.
I also really like the line sinfully beautiful. It makes me think that he is luring is way in by being charming and irresistible and then BAM - you're out.

I agree with Black Sheep that you need to be careful you're not repeating yourself to keep it fresh and keep the reader eating all your words up. I didn't know a horror poem could be so good to read!

The only critique really is that I wish there as more lol.

Good luck! & feel free to check out any of my work when you have the time
THANKS

Another poem, yay!

I like how much variety you have in your writing The first poem I read was romantic, the second kind of sentimental, and the third being a bit horror! You are definitely not a one-trick pony, but an all around good writer

Just a few things I would fix.

Red eyes gleamed with evil in the darkness,
Lips upturned into a cold sneer.
Lurking in the shadows [comma] hunting for souls,
Quenching thirst by drinking on our life force.

Lurking in the shadows,
Watching your every moments,
If give a chance even if by mistake
You will be pulled into never ending darkness...
Be careful [comma] you are being watched

Notice how you repeated 'Lurking in the shadows' in the second stanza as well? I would re-write that somehow.

So, I don't know much about the Devil, but I know he's bad so you've given an accurate interpretation of him in my books. Maybe you could find a few more things he does or did and include that in the poem for added gruesomeness. You mention that he has a thirst for blood and lures people into the darkness. If you could add in a few more things to give us even more of an idea how horrible he is, that would make this poem even more horrifying!

Good job!

wonderfully creepy...