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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Well, since Nether reviewed the grammar, I’ll try and stick to the writing itself.
I don’t do reviews on poetry generally, but I’ve seen DtB and figured I might as well comment.
Great first line.
Even if I wanted to be.
I know what’s gonna happen to me
… and then this kills it, I think so anyways. Maybe it’s the sing-song repetitive “ee” on the end, maybe the abbreviation on “what’s” or “gonna.” It kills the suspense and tension you were building.
Visualize. Someone once told me on a poem I wrote to specify---make this personal to you. You’re not writing about a character, really… you’re writing about yourself. Your own emotions and thoughts.
This is rather fragmented, and the meaning could be unclear. I think you should rethink the way you worded it here---what is it you’re really trying to say?
This is… eh, I’ve seen stuff like this before. It’s not too original. You should consider different ways of putting things to mean the same thing.
I think this, too, is rather boring. Brainstorm! How can you make this as fresh as possible? Give us something we’ve never seen before
These are in my opinion, the two best stanzas of the poem.
I think you need to build up to the ending a bit more… “You never noticed, the darker shades of black” could be a really strong ending… but the stanza that precedes it makes it seem sort of melodramatic. Things need to escalate--- go all out here.
Overall, I think this could use a lot… and I mean a lot, more “visual” detail. Right now, this sounds like a one-sided conversation. Paint a picture for us---use words that suggest images. Pick a central theme or emotion you want to convey, and then convey that strongly.
I’d also like to see some different verbiage used here---words are your best friends, get some vocab in there. If you find the right one, one word can convey a whole sphere of emotion. Don’t stick to the same old, same old. Experiment a bit. (*Is a big vocab fan*)
I think this could be much greater than it is now. It needs work, and skillful revision. But it shows promise.
Make this something more; I believe you can do it
-ED
By the way, was this meant to be Yin’s point of view, written to Hei?
Maybe its that but in a more altered way(?) Its not completely written form the anime. I have personalized it by altering and doing it my way. This piece was not meant to be visual. It was only supposed to expressive...
Alright, =3 Very, dark.
Kind of reminds me of that Animals song "Paint it Black"
After a quick skim of your poem
It is a'questionare, a strive. Nice rhythm too =3
I won't be free
Even if I wanted to be.
I know whats gonna happen to me
And even you will not be able
To see me..to stop it..
Think you know everything..?
Then hows this-
One day you will fall
And no one will be there to save you.
^ Kind of chilling,^ favorite part easy.
I know what you really mean
When you say something to me
Your words so harsh..
Sometimes sugarcoated or fake..
^This was an odd way to end this stanza,
It left me questioning it for more.
Even if I try to tell you
You simply won't listen to me!
The soft lullabies hurt my ears
Emotions feel so alien..
I feel so alone..so lost.
You simply don'get it
Now do you?
You don't understand
You've never noticed!
The darker shades of black.
and to top it off, a nice dramatic finish.
I'd say lovely but its emotional and dark =3
But an nice poem over all.
Great! You got the poem how I wanted!
Thanks for reviewing! 
Okay, hey Erza, Black here for a review day Review!
= good work still. Your powerful points are definitely in wording and theme, definitely! Your weak points are simpler . . . grammar and formatting. Okay, so first off I'm going to re-write this how I assume that you want it to be written, and then I'm going to nit-pick through it and fix it with you!
So, interesting piece of work here. Powerful, good wording, bad formatting, messy grammar, good theme, well written
There, formatting problems take care of I do believe.
So, now for grammar :
Just a couple of quick notes I'd like to make before I really go into it here. Writing poetry like this is a lot like writing any old paragraph. You don't need to capitalize the first letter to every line. Capitalizing the first letter signifies a new sentence . . . which I'm pretty sure you don't mean. Also, in my quite personal opinion a little bit of rhyme ALWAYS helps poetry. Its worth the time because it makes reading the piece SOOOOO much easier.
Now for the nitpicking.
'Won't' feels really wrong here. I'd advise something like 'couldn't'. It's more powerful anyway. I'd advise 'won't' instead of 'will not'. You have great wording for 'what's gonna happen to me'.
Just a quick not on ellipses. There are two ways you can use them '...' with no spaces, or '. . . ' with spaces. You choose (I use #2)! But you cannot use only two periods. That ellipse just before the question mark is incorrect I believe. The 'hows' should be 'how's'.
Comma after 'me' and exclamation point after 'you' – it's a dramatic sentence, make sure it sounds like it!
I'd use 'so' instead of 'sometimes here, but that's up to your style. Remember what I said about ellipses, that really needs fixing. (Love this stanza).
'Now do you?' suggests doubt as to whether he does or not. I don't think that's what you mean to use here. . . . 'Do you?' might work better . . .
This is the perfect ending! However I'd advise you to turn your title to this piece accordingly.
Overall: Work on those ellipses, fix your formatting BEFORE you post, toss in some rhyme for easy reading, and possibly stop capitalizing the first letter of ever sentence.
But really! Impressive work here, muchly appreciated! Be sure to keep writing – How else will you improve?
~Black~
The ellipses were meant to be there like a pause of some sort. And as for grammar- pesonally I don't look at grammar in a poem when it makes sense. Anyway thanks very much for your review!
The ellipses were meant to be there like a pause of some sort. And as for grammar- pesonally I don't look at grammar in a poem when it makes sense. Anyway thanks very much for your review!
I was telling it will all be muddled up..hope this comment helps..
I won't be free
Even if I wanted to be.
I know whats gonna happen to me
And even you will not be able
To see me..to stop it..
Think you know everything..?
Then hows this-
One day you will fall
And no one will be there to save you.
I know what you really mean
When you say something to me
Your words so harsh..
Sometimes sugarcoated or fake..
Even if I try to tell you
You simply won't listen to me!
The soft lullabies hurt my ears
Emotions feel so alien..
I feel so alone..so lost.
You simply don'get it
Now do you?
You don't understand
You've never noticed!
The darker shades of black.
This is the poem hope now you all get it.