Glass Girl

by ERZA

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Hey Glass Girl!

You look so hollow

and so darn empty!!

I had filled you with jellybeans remember?

You were as bright as sunshine

Now you are dark like the night

Your eyes don't even twinkle anymore!

In the lonely evenings,

under the moonlight and

sometimes maybe under starlight

You sit by a river and

drown in your sadness.

Hey Glass Girl you are damn fragile.

You put on a ceramic mask

And heck you smile under the sun

And everyone is fooled by your facade.

I want to help you I do.

But no can do.

If jellybeans were happiness

I would have bought

Some packets for you.

I know who you really are.

And sometimes I want

to break your goddamn mask.

Why don't you let me?

Wish we could have fun together

under rainbows and sunshine.

Without masks and sorrows

In our own little world of

Dandelions and tulips...

But Dear Glass Girl,

I absolutely cannot help you.

You see I have a promise to keep.

The promise I gave to myself

When you threw away my jelly beans.

Comments

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 9:37 pm

Rook wrote a review...

Hello!

I really liked this poem
-I liked the whole concept of jelly beans. That word made this poem what it is I think, along with your repeating of glass adjectives.
-I like the story behind this, and they way I can relate this to life
-I love your imagery, especially:

Wish we could have fun together

under rainbows and sunshine.

Without masks and sorrows

In our own little world of

Dandelions and tulips...

It was a very vivid image, and even though it was a bit over the top with "rainbows" I think that added a nice element of too-sweet in contrast of the shattering and sadness.

Some things I didn't like:
-You punctuation needs some work
-I wish you had used MORE imagery because it's so good!
-I also wish I knew the deeper meaning of this.

I really did like this poem a whole lot. You did a great job!
Keep writing!
~fortis

ERZA says...

I would love to let you know the deeper meaning of this. PM me on what exactly you would like to know ok. And I have altered the poem a bit. The meaning is the same but it looks less flashy now :-)

Thank you for reviewing.

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 6:03 pm

mateeah3 wrote a review...

Hey there!

This poem really caught my interest. We're working with someone/something called "Glass girl" and jellybeans. Very unique. The flow is nice; I like your voice a lot, very smooth and easy to read. As for the message, I thought it was either:

1. A friend who is unhappy, and you miss who they used to be, attempted to drown their sorrows with jellybeans, of which isn't working.

2. A friend who started using drugs... since glass is a reference to methamphetamine. I thought for sure ArticMonkey would suggest this, since his avatar is Heisenburg. But then again, maybe I'm just watching too much Breaking Bad... lol.

Anyway, I'm thinking the message is more along the lines of number one. In this case, I can totally relate. I have friends who seem to be content in their discontent, and "I want to break your goddamn mask" totally applies to me as well.

Love the end -

"But Dear Glass Girl,

I absolutely cannot help you!

You see I have a promise to keep.

The promise I gave to myself

After you threw away my jelly beans... "

basically saying I cannot help you if you don't want to help yourself. Great ending. Very clever!

Okay, a few nitpicky things -

You were as bright as sunshine

Now you glow like moonshine

Like others mentioned, these both seem very similar, and don't have a contrast as you seemed to intend. Do you mean to say glass girl thrives in darkness instead of the light? In this case, you could write something like "now you're as secretive as the moon"... or something along those lines.

Some packets for you!

Maybe I live under a rock, but I've never heard of jellybean packets. Packets give me impression that they're tiny like a ketchup packet. Perhaps you could write pack of jellybeans? Jar of jellybeans? I don't know. Maybe not. Just a thought.

And a few other things - "friggin" seemed like a strange word to use, didn't have that poetic feel. And I would say maybe take away a few exclamation marks.

Overall, I love the message, and I love the creative context you told it in. Had a very fantastical feel, and I love fantasy.

Thanks for the reading material! -Mateeah

ERZA says...

I totes get what you mean and so I have altered my poem abit. Thank you for reviewing. :-)

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Reviews: 65

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 3:25 am

NightWalker wrote a review...

Hi ERZA,have a good day.So here I'm to make my review on your poem about the 'Glass Girl'.

WHO is actually the Glass girl??
-That is the first question i had inside of my brain.Is it a girl wearing glasses?Or maybe represent someone else.

"You were as bright as sunshine

Now you glow like moonshine

Your eyes don't even twinkle anymore!"
#But then I think again,she is maybe a rude/proud girl that love to fake about herself:

"You put on a ceramic mask

And hell! You smile under the sun

And everyone is fooled by your facade."

#Also I can sense that your poem is in a cynical tone when I read this lines:

"I want to help you! I do!

But hell! No can do.

If jellybeans were happiness

I would have bought

Some packets for you!

I know who you really are.

And sometimes I want

to break your goddamn mask.

Why don't you let me?"
*you tried to help her,but she don't let you to do so.
Overall,your poem is actually work as it full with emotions and argument in between you and the glass girl.

#I like the last lines that makes me think that your poem has it own idea itself.

"But Dear Glass Girl,

I absolutely cannot help you!

You see I have a promise to keep.

The promise I gave to myself

After you threw away my jelly beans..."
*Keep writing in YWS.Cheer!

ERZA says...

I am happy to know that someone atleast interpreted my poem correcly (thats you (-: ) Anyways thankyou for reviewing. :-)

Points: 35799
Reviews: 1274

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:09 am

niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Erza! Nite here to review this lovely piece for the Green Lanterns this fine Review Day!

So overall, I like the storyline with the jellybeans. It's a cute metaphor and it seems to work. Just some things I want to point out.

You were as bright as sunshine

Now you glow like moonshine

Your eyes don't even twinkle anymore!

The moonlight comparison struck me as odd. It's usually considered a positive thing, and I don't think the reversal works so well here. I'd think of a light with more negative connotations, like a flickering florescent light or a burnt out light bulb.

You see I have a promise to keep.

The promise I gave to myself

After you threw away my jelly beans...

I agree that this ending is a little weak. For one, ellipses don't often work in poems. You don't want the ending to trail off like that. It might be more clear to say "But now, dear glass girl/I cannot help you/For you threw away my jelly beans." or something like that.

I'm also not into the use of exclamation points and curse words/minor curses here. Exclamation points often look obnoxious in poetry, saying "Look at me! Look at me!" and drawing attention away from the words. As for the cursing: it's totally fine in literary works here (assuming it's rated properly), but I don't think they fit the voice of the poem. They're more of a distraction than powerful.

Overall, there's some good stuff here. Keep writing!

ERZA says...

I know what you mean. I think you are right and well..I have edited my poem a bit. Thanks for the review. :-)

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Reviews: 532

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:07 am

ArcticMonkey wrote a review...

Hi Erza, happy review day!

I thought the idea behind this poem was pretty cool. I'll try and not be over analytical and more critical, but what I'm getting from this poem is that Glass Girl is a jar which this person keeps their sweets in? The POV of the person writing this is really young and doesn't quite understand that Glass Girl is not real? That's what I understood of this poem, I might be completely wrong but that's my interpretation. I like this idea anyways, and the repetition of Dear Glass Girl or Hey Glass Girl is good!

My first suggestion is that you don't use so many exclamation marks. It makes is a bit difficult to read. Exclamation marks are one of those things that can be very effective, but if it's used too much then it will kind of lose it's effectiveness. It also makes the poem seem quite angry, and because of this the reader will stop relating to it. We don't want the poem to be a rant, so maybe tone down on the anger shown?

You were as bright as sunshine

Now you glow like moonshine

I don't think the endings of these two lines sound too good together. Because they're so similar it just sounds a bit off.

drown in your frigging sadness.

I want to comment on your word choice here, the word 'frigging' just doesn't really fit. Again, it makes the poem seem really angry and I think you could come up with a better word than that, or just not have it in there at all.

Lastly, the whole poem just seems a bit messy to me, and some bits are repeated but it doesn't seem like they were repeated on purpose and it's more just to do with a lack of planning. I don't know if you plan your poems or not, but either way I think rather than repeating your ideas, you could talk more in depth about your ideas, and maybe go into a bit more detail.

Overall, I liked this poem. I could feel some raw emotion in here which is god but next time try and get the balance between showing your emotions, and making it too angry. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x

ERZA says...

Well I get what you mean and so I have edited the poem. It looks much better now (I hope). Anyways thanks for reviewing. :-)

ERZA says...

Well I get what you mean and so I have edited the poem. It looks much better now (I hope). Anyways thanks for reviewing. :-)

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:56 am

Hannah wrote a review...

Hey there, ERZA. Here representin' Green Lantern on review day!

The first thing I notice and like about this poem is the unique tone. Usually, when tones deal with sad or emotional relationships like this one, they take on a serious tone to match the emotion the author is feeling. But I love the complication you brought to the discussion. By using watered-down expletives, it reads more like a funny, family-friendly show. Stuff like darn instead of damn, and frigging instead of, yeah, you know. This shows a restraint from rough anger, and a leaning toward language that is, generally, happier. So instead of just yelling at this person who's obviously having a hard time, the speaker sounds like he/she is still making an effort to be happy, even in describing a heartbreaking change. Which means we don't only learn about the relationship's situation in this poem, but also about the personality of the speaker -- that doesn't happen often and is an awesome feature of this poem.

What might help to polish this poem up would be to try to slim down the narrative. What are the main points of this poem? Right now, it seems to go like this:

you're empty
you were once full
you were once full
you're empty
with your color
you're sad
you're fragile
be full again
you hide in a mask
be full again
you hide in a mask
be full again
i can't help
you betrayed me

You can see there's some repetition. Try cutting out passages that reveal information the reader already has. Always keep us moving through new images, information, and emotions, so we stay engaged with your writing.

I like the solid image of jellybeans in a glass jar, too. Jelly beans are an awesome image because they're not only colorful, but sometimes you can see light through them, so they have a really specific mental image they can evoke -- that jelly on the inside!

Hope this was helpful to you, ERZA. Let me know if you have any questions and I'll be happy to talk with you about this review.

Good luck and keep writing!

ERZA says...

Well this is suppised to be about the glass girl and the poet. The poem is only conveying her feelings. It is not written to give any info or the story. Its written to express only. Hope you get the idea. Thanks for the review btw. :-)

Points: 587
Reviews: 5

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Sat Aug 24, 2013 10:44 am

Dmytra wrote a review...

Hello!

I like this poem a lot and the message and emotions you convey are strong and vibrant.

I am struggling to accept the voice you've chosen in this poem. Perhaps you chose it on purpose, but I do not know if I like the inconsistency and juxtaposition. You use an almost childlike tone for some lines and then a more teen-aged voice for others. The greatest disparity is when you use both "darn" and "damn." This clash of innocence and naive vulgarity is kind of awkward and confuses me a bit as to what you're trying to achieve by adopting a tone such as this. It's sort of like reading a story by a passive-aggressive two-headed teen-aged monster. Chaotic to say the least.

You were as bright as sunshine

Now you glow like moonshine

Your eyes don't even twinkle anymore!

In the lonely evenings,

under the moonlight and

sometimes maybe under starlight

These lines also confuse me. You imply that she takes on the aura of whatever fills her, be it jellybeans, sunlight, moonlight...etc. I do get the impression of an eerie and cold glow filling her in the moonlight, but doesn't the fact that she sits under starlight contradict the idea that her eyes don't twinkle? Clarification please.

The promise I gave to myself

Should this be, "The promise I made to myself" ? I feel that this would make more sense in context.

Also, you contradict yourself a bit in this poem. You state that you would help her if "jellybeans were happiness." Later you state that you a promise you made prohibits you from helping her. The relationship between the narrator and her seems a bit possessive and a tad creepy as, when you mention that "I had you filled with jellybeans." Was her original happiness real, or something that you fabricated when you meddled with her contents.

There is no turning point in her story. What exactly was it that created the emptiness in her?

In all, I like your ideas, but they are vague and obscured by a voice that can't make up its mind and a story that is a Gordian Knot of meaning and implications. Sort out what you really want to say, and let the story develop around it.

Thanks,
Dmytra

ERZA says...

Well the poem is in a childish tone because the poet wants to go back in the past when the glass girl was not like how she is now. But you see she is grown up now and it is already too late to do anything. Hope you get the idea. Thanks for the review by the way. :-)

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Glass Girl

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