Chapter 1.
The scratch of a lead pencil on paper, the buzz of a lazy fly drifting by and the occasional creak of a chair as a student shifted were the only sounds in science class on the last day of school.
Finished with my test I was working on a picture I have wanted to do since the first day of high school. Now my pencil flew over paper, a likeness forming, my gaze darting every now and then to the front of the class and my inspiration.
Our science teacher, Mr. Droves, was not know for his sense of humor and possessed a certain air of mystery and fear, as well as more than a little of the mad scientist look about him. His wild white hair stuck out in every direction, as though it had been caught in it's own personal whirl wind and he sported a tangled beard of the same color that stretched nearly to his belt buckle.
One student had tried to nickname him Santa earlier in the year and been rewarded with four weeks of detention for his creativity. That's why I had waited, waited for the last day of school to draw my picture. Now my time had come and I let the picture escape the corners of my imagination, drawing it boldly into reality.
I sketched it with my pencil, the idea taking a form with hardly a thought behind it. I had waited for so long to draw it that the idea, eager to be free, was on the page in less then a minute. Without a pause I traded my pencil for a felt-tipped pen and inked in the lines, solidifying the image. Adding just a shade of shadowing here and there, I signed my name at the bottom of the page and then sat back, marveling at my own master piece.
Staring out of the page at me was Droves. His mane of hair was as crazy as ever and his eyes seem to scorch the paper as he glared. In his right hand he held a smoking beaker and in his left he banished the same pointer that he was rolling in his fingers at the moment. That, however, is where anything normal about the picture ended. Wearing a sleeveless tunic that flowed to the ground, the smoke pouring from the top of the beaker in his hand seemed to blend in to the dark fabric. I had sketched several extra feet of length to his already long beard and Droves in the drawing had it thrown over his shoulder as though to keep it out of his way. To the pointer I had added a spark at the top and random swirls and markings down the body of it, matching them to the designs I has penciled on to his wrists to look like tattooed cuffs. Adding a final swirl, I nodded to myself with satisfaction. Then on a whim leaned forward and titled the picture in gratify like writing: The Wizard.
Done at last I looked up, my eyes drawn where they always were in science class to find the subject of my own interest watching me.
Beth Searcher. Startled to find her chocolate brown eyes on me I didn’t look away like I normally would. Looking back at me she suddenly smiled and I felt as though the breath had been knocked from my lungs. I was basking in the warmth of her smile for several seconds before I realized she was mouthing something to me. I caught the last two words.
“-See it?” her eyebrows lifted in question and she pointed a finger at the paper on my desk. Her meaning was pretty clear and I shot a quick look at Mr. Droves. His back was turned as he furiously scribbled on the black board.
Taking a deep breath, I pick up the drawing and leaned over, passing it quickly to Beth. As her fingers touched the page I couldn’t help thinking this was probable as close as we would ever get to holding hands. Then she was holding it and I was desperately was hoping my thumb hadn’t left a damp spot on the page.
Beth’s eyes widened as she took in the drawling and then she gave me an dazzling smile, shaking her head in disbelief. I started to smile back but she had already turned away. Whispering excitingly to her friend next to her, Beth passed her the paper.
After that it was all over. As the sounds of people shifting in their seats grew, I turned back to the front of the class. My back ramrod straight and my hands grew ice cold and clammy. Watching Droves I could tell he had begun to notice the whispering, snorts of laughter, and the rustle of a paper being past, seat to seat.
He slowly turned around and the whole class fell silent. From the corner of my eye, I caught the motion of someone hurriedly flipping over my drawing. Unfortunately, so did Mr. Droves.
Every pair of eyes followed him as he made his way between the desks. As he passed my desk I could almost feel the cold that seen to radiate from him. He stopped in front of the kid with the picture’s desk. A slightly twitchy guy by the name of Simon Letterman. Mr. Drove’s pointer came to rest on the upside down paper with a tap.
“Mr. Letterman, what is this on your desk?” Mr. Droves’ English accent made the words sound almost comical, but knowing what was under the pointer made me feel less inclined to laugh. In fact I felt closed to puking my guts up.
Simon, to his everlasting credit, didn’t crack right away. “It’s a piece of paper, Sir” his voice did waver just a bit.
“Ah, a piece of paper, how could I have missed that?” Mr. Drove’s tone was casual as though he was discussing the weather “well in that case, you won’t mind if I confiscate it. I believe I only assigned lined paper for this class.” He removed his stick from the desk and whisked the page up with his long fingers. Without even glancing at it, he started up to the front of the room but not before adding “oh, Mr. Letterman, be sure to tell your parents I will be see you in summer school this year.”
At that Simon broke like a piece of china. Right eye twitching, he stuttered. “Actually that’s not mine.” I wasn’t unsurprised by Simon's confession but I felt like someone had just dumped a jug of acid down my throat as the upset feeling in my stomach jumped up a notch.
A creepy grin lit up Droves’ face and he spun back to Letterman. “No? Then whose is it Mr Letterman?”
For a moment Simon mouth just hung open like the door of a mailbox, too freaked out by Mr. Droves cat and mouse attitude to say anything. I think Droves realized this because he straightened and repeated the question in a calmer voice. “Whose is this?” He lifted the piece of paper as he spoke and for the first time saw the drawing and, printed neatly at the bottom, my name.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get a chance to look at it.” Simon said tripping over his words.
No one was listening though, instead all eyes were locked on Mr. Droves as he took in the sketch. He seemed to absorb the penciled lines, his face growing pale as the sheet of paper in his hand. Had it been anyone else, I would have said I though he looked almost scared. After several minutes of complete silence someone coughed and Drove seem to wake for a trance. Stalking up to his desk he laid the paper on it with such care you would have thought it was made of ice.
He picked up the lesson where he had left off. I didn't hear a word of it, worrying what Drove had in store for me. The rest of class dragged on for an eternity but finally it was over.
“Class dismissed. You may go now. I would tell you to have a wonderful summer but frankly I don’t care.” Students emptied out their desks and shuffled from the room as he continued to talked, stopping Simon before he could reach the door “Mr. Letterman, I will still be seeing you this summer as your grades are sorely lacking.” I had just about made it to the exit myself when his voice froze me in my tracks, “Griffin Matthews, please stay after class, I need to speak to you.”
Heaving a sigh, I turned back to my desk only to have Bert Rush, the school's biggest bully brushed roughly past me while hissing in my ear a garlicky, “busted”. His two cronies brushed past me as well, though [i]brush[/i] is a gentle way to to describe it.
Once they had left and I regained my balance, I slumped back into my desk. Waiting for Dr. Drove to finish organizing the files in his desk ,which he seem to be taking forever to do, I fiddled with a thread hanging from the hem of my t shirt seeing how many knots I could tie in it. I jumped snapping the thread when Mr. Drove finally spoke.
“Mr. Matthew, please come here.”
Pushing myself up out of my seat I made my way to his desk. Once I was standing in front of it I couldn’t help absently wondering if the stuffy moth ball smell was coming from the opened bottom drawer of his desk or if it was just the gray wool suit coat he was wearing. My mind was drawn back to the situation at hand when I saw my drawing lying on top of his desk.
“This is very good Mr. Matthews, I wonder where did you copy these symbols from?” He tapped the markings I drawn on his wrists and stick. For a few seconds I just blinked at him as I tried to process that he didn’t to seem to be angry about my artwork but rather, on the contrary, seemed to be impressed by it.
“No,” I answer stupidly.
“No?” Mr. Droves raised an eyebrow.
“What I meant was, no, I didn’t copy them from anything,” I fumbled, messing with the hem of my tee shirt.
“Ah, but something must have given you idea for them, hmm?” he questioned.
I furrowed my brow, they weren’t that special. “Nope. Came straight from the old noggin,” I said in an attempt at humor. Mr. Droves didn’t laugh. He just stared at me as if try to see what I was thinking. I became suddenly very aware of the stain of grape juice I’d spilled on my shirt this morning and the fact that I had been playing with the bottom of my shirt the whole time I’d been standing in front of his desk. I stopped, but was unsure what I should do with my hands. I tried crossing my arms to but unfolded them just as quick. After holding them behind my back for about two second before it became completely too gay and trying to shove them in my pockets that suddenly became too small for my fat hands, I opted to simply let them dangle by my sides like two slabs of ham.
I jerked as Droves’ own palms slapped the top of the desk before me, as he pushed back his chair and stood, “well, I guess that’s all then, Mr. Matthews. You may go.” I let out a sigh of relief as I gathered up my books. I had just started to the door when Droves spoke again, “actually Mr. Matthews, I was wondering if you would do a favor for me.”
With a feeling of despair, I spun slowly back to face him. “Sure, Mr. Droves,” I said forcing a smile that felt more like a grimace, “what can I do for you?”
Mr. Droves got up and walked to a shelf, tugged a clear box out from beneath a clutter of loose papers and bent paperback books. There was a clatter as half a dozen pens fell to the floor. “I need you to watch Bow-Bow over the summer.”
“Who?” I asked confused.
“Bow-Bow, the class’s pet lizard,” he held up the box.
“That’s a lizard?” I said, peering through the dirty glass at the lump of what looked like dried skin. “Are you sure he’s still alive?”
“Oh he’s alive,” he assured me, thudding on the box with a forefinger and shaking it. The lump didn’t move. “Well, don’t worry. He’s shedding right now so he’s a little moody,” he shoved the box in to my hands and the surface of it felt gritty.
“What do I feed him?” I asked, scrunching up my nose as I got a closer look at the lizard’s home. With all the dead skin in there it looked like Bow-Bow had been shedding daily for the past ten years.
Mr. Droves was back at his deck, shuffling his fingers over the top of it, he snagged a pen and a note book of lined paper. “You don’t have to bother about that,” he said absently, jolting down notes in a messy handwriting.
“I don’t have to feed him?” I repeated, skeptical. “What will he eat then?” at that Mr. Droves stopped mid scribble. Bringing his eyes up slowly they met mine and they seen to twinkle as though he knew an inside joke.
“Don’t worry I’m sure Bow-Bow will find something to eat.” The weight of the box shifted and Droves broke eye contact, chuckling, “see I told you he was alive,” I looked and, sure enough, the lump had moved, “and I believe now you really may go. Here are your directions on how to take care of our little lad.” He tore the page he had been writing on from the note book, folded it in half and held it out to me.
Tucking the box under one arm I reach out for the note. I wanted to ask what the directions were for if I didn’t need to feed the lizard but decided against it . I took the note and stuck it in my back pocket, “anything else Me Droves?” I asked hoping I could go now.
“No, that will be all,” Mr. Droves said going back to organizing his files and dismissing me with a wave of his hand.
***
Most of the kids were already gone by the time I left Mr. Droves, eager to get their summer started as soon as possible. So as I made my way to my locker, I wasn’t paying too much attention to where I was going and that’s why I didn’t see Beth until I bumped into her. I managed to hang on to Bow-Bow’s cage but my books, as well as hers, went flying everywhere. Setting down the box as fast as possible, I started to pick up her stuff, completely ignoring my own. Once I had gathered it all up I turned to hand it to her and was surprised to see her holding mine. Smiling, she held them out to me,
“trade you.”
I nodded numbly and we switched stacks. Her fingers brushing mine and send a shock up my arm.
“Thanks,” I croaked and bent to pick up Bow-Bow, fully expecting this to be the end of our relationship. I was startled when she spoke again.
“Look, I’m sorry about what happened in science class,” she brushed a strand of red tinted hair way from her face, “I shouldn’t have past that picture to anyone.”
“It’s fine,” I said, turning to my locker and trying to unlock it while balancing the box and my books under one arm just so I would have something to do with my hands. After about three fruitless tries, I gave up trying to be cool and sent the whole pile down. Extremely aware of Beth still stand there, I finally got my locker open, pulled out my backpack, and began to shove my stuff into. Thinking Beth must want something I was just about to ask her what it was when she spoke again.
“I hope you didn’t get in to much trouble with Mr. Droves?” she said it like a question.
I shook my head, my voice haven taken a trip to Alaska.
“Oh! You’re not going to have to go to summer school are you?” she seemed so worried that for a moment she sounded like my mom and I forgot who I was talking too.
“Droves couldn’t put me in summer school if he wanted to, I get too good of grades for that. In fact, I‘m the one would put together the last three test for science class,” I said, striking a confident pose and smoothing a hand over my hair. After a long moment of silence I remembered who I was talking to and seeing the completely blank look one Beth’s face I began to wish I had never opened my mouth. As I felt my ears begin to burn I started to stutter out an explanation, “that was a joke, I didn’t really-” Beth’s pearls of laughter cut me off.
“I knew you were kidding, I was just in shock,” she gasped between laughs, and I felt my heart swell. At her next words I deflated like a balloon “I didn’t know you were capable of even making one, that’s all.”
“Gee, thanks,” I said going back to stuffing my backpack.
She stopped laughing and looked sorry, “I didn’t mean it like that. And wow… was that sarcasm?”
“Yes, unbelievable I know. In answer to your earlier question, no I didn‘t get in any real trouble, all he did was ask me a few questions about my drawing and ask me to take care of that for the summer,” I gesture to the box on the ground with my foot and then pulled my foot back quickly, conscious of how wore my sneaker looked. Beth wasn’t paying attention to my shoes though.
“What is that?” She squatted next to the dirty box and squinted at it.
“A lizard, apparently. Bow-Bow by the name,” I told her, having finished packing up my things and still not believing I was having more than a two word conversation with Beth.
Beth frowned at me, “Bow-Bow? How about Flaking-Mound-Of-Dead-Skin?”
I chuckled, “catchy, but a little on the long side don’t you think?” Beth started to laugh at my joke but then trailed away abruptly.
“You know I better get going,” she told me straightening and flipping her hair back from her face with a shake of her head.
“Okay,” I said, wanting to add a ’see you around’ but chickening out, “have a good summer.”
“Yeah you too,” Beth said over her shoulder, flashing me a quick smile.
Picking up my backpack and the lizard, I wondered why she had seemed to be in such a hurry all of a sudden. I turned to head for the main entrance and caught sight of Bert at his own locker down the hall and I realized why Beth had been in such a rush. She hadn’t wanted to be seen with the fat loser from science class.
***
End of chapter
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Hey DragonGirl! Just logged back into YWS for the first time in a while and saw you posted some new pieces. I was told by your profile that I must come read them, so here I am. Hopefully, you're doing well!
Overall, I thought your first chapter was just the right length, dialogue wasn't forced but rather natural which I enjoyed and the characters were believable based on their descriptions. I'm about to go read the second chapter, but here are two small things I noticed:
“I shouldn’t have past that picture to anyone.”
-Passed rather than past?
"In fact, I‘m the one would put together"
-need to add 'who' between 'one' and 'would'
One thing I would concern yourself with while writing would be your use of stereotypical actions. Things like spilling books everywhere, school bullies and passing notes are all very cliche. This doesn't mean you can't utilize these tools, which they are, but it does mean that you're presentation of them needs to be adaptable and a little outside the box. Consider adjusting or altering your methods of presentation for cliches in the future, and it will lead to a more sound piece with better character development. Instead of saying, "the school's biggest bully" you could alternatively add a small segment that showcases his bullying.
Additionally, Griffin shows a lot of emotion toward his love interest in this first chapter which makes the reader hopeful for a potentially happy outcome between the two; however, you need to remember pacing. Pacing limits the amount of emotion or development you give your characters all at once. Depending on how long you plan on making the first novel, having too much romance all at once could be detrimental or unrealistic to the reader. Personally, I fawn over the romances within each book I read, eagerly waiting for more interaction between the main character and his/her love interest, but if you think about any book you've read you'll realize that very rarely does romance occur in the first chapter of a fantasy novel. It's the pace that makes the romance more real and rewarding to the reader. Obviously, this applies to other aspects besides romance, but you get the gist.
Seriously awesome job! I'm off to read the second chapter now.
Hey, lovely! I'm here as requested, of course.
This is dialogue with a proper tag. You have the words the character is saying, a comma, end quotes, and then how they're saying them—in this case, "I said". Perfect. Good work.So I'm going to start off with a short critique of your beginning. This is the first chapter—it's the first thing anyone will see of your novel, short of the synopsis on the back. I'm not sure if this is a first draft or not, so I'm not going to be too harsh on you, but your beginning really just doesn't cut it for me.
There's nothing in the first paragraph that really hooks me in. In fact, I find most of it boring. A good beginning should generally have at least one of four things: character, setting, voice, or conflict. I'll use all four of these for your chapter.
Character: I don't know who "I" is, and your first few paragraphs don't reveal much about your narrator's personality. As I continue, I get a bit of a better idea, but there's still not much actual character—it feels like everyone in this story is a watered-down version of an actual person. I don't get a sense of real motivation at all.
Setting: There's nothing really fantastical or interesting about your setting, so I'll let this one slide for now. But you could still emphasize it a little.
Voice: This is a big part of character when you have a first-person narrator. As it is, Griffin has no voice, I have no clue what he's feeling, if he's sarcastic, if he's funny, if he's actually nice—he just narrates things as they happen, and it feels like he's a cardboard cutout half the time.
Conflict: There really is none? I won't push too much for this one, because it's a first chapter, but there should still be some hint of plot to keep the story moving. Yes, there's the plot with the lizard, but that's the only thing, and I'm not even really interested in that because it feels like it was just tossed in there. And the worst part is, it's probably the main plot.
The chapter itself was very technically weak. You have too many typos and too many grammatical errors for me to overlook, but it would take me a year to type them all up; I recommend asking a friend to proofread for you, and not a friend who's going to be nice. Proofreading would solve most of the problems I have with the mechanics at the moment.
As for dialogue tags, let me give you a short lesson in those, because you seem to be having trouble with them, and you use them a lot.
This is not a dialogue tag. Unless the way she's making noise is by looking sorry, then you need to have a period after "sorry"; you can go into dialogue without having it attached to another sentence. See:
You use dialogue tags for nearly every single line of dialogue in this. Used normally and properly, they can get awkward like that; used improperly, it distracts even further from the story you're trying to tell.
Advice: Fix the mechanics first, and the story will come later.
Keep writing!
Thanks for the straight forward and honest review. This is a first draft but that isn't me making excuses. Looking over my work I would have to agree with nearly everything you said. Thanks again for the tips.
Yeah, first drafts tend to be in need of the most editing, especially when it comes down to the mechanics. (Trust me, I've missed so many typos in my first drafts that spellcheck can't even save me xD) I hope I didn't come across as mean or anything, and I'm glad I could be of help <3
Of course not! It is extremely helpful to have people point out that kind of stuff to me. Thanks again!
I really love where this story is going and how it is playing out. But the school setting your creating seems for like a middle/elementary school than a highschool . Also it would be nice for Griffin to have some friends in at school before he goes into the world of magic (which is what I am guessing is gonna happen) because it would be really funny to see how his friend reacts to it anyway keep up the good work and give me a review please!
Wow I really enjoyed reading this! The classroom setting was extremely relatable and I enjoyed the bits of humor that were included. The characterization was extremely solid and I felt as if the characters could be actual people I know. Mr. Droves reminds me of one of my old teachers!

I can't wait to see what happens next with Griffin (I'm guessing it has something to do with those markings he drew?)
I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors
Keep up the good work!