It has be FOREVER since I was on here! Okay then! Here is the next chapter. Please tear it apart! I know it is rough.
Quick recap>>>
Griffin is a teen guy who has gotten on the bad side of a wizard and the wizard has sent a dragon to kill him. However the dragon has his own agenda. Hope you guys likey. Check out my previous chapters if you are curious.
Here is a clip from the end of the last chapter.
***
“I’m sorry I’m back so late Mom.” I said brushing my hair from my eyes and watching Mom’s eyes widened as I stepped into the light pouring from the room behind her.
“What happened Baby?” She was concerned and she reached out to touch the side of my face.
I had just opened my mouth to reply with a pack of lies when I glanced over her shoulder and saw who was sitting at the table, a napkin neatly draped across one knee and a plate of pork roast and mash potatoes sitting in front of him. The Dragon.
***
Chapter 8.
I brushed away her hand before she could touch my cheek and stepped around her.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him bluntly and caught sight of Mom‘s mouth dropping open from the corner of my eye.
He smiled, amusement sparking in his gold eyes “Eating your mother’s delicious cooking.”
“Griffin, this is Mr. Rye Wolfe. He’s renting the guest bedroom. He will be staying with us over the summer.” I could hear my mother's modification at my rudeness in her words.
The Dragon, or Rye laid his napkin down on the table and stood.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Griffin, your mother speaks very highly of you.” He stuck out his hand. I didn’t take it. He let it stay there for a few moments before retracting it and turning to my mother.
“Thank you again for the wonderful meal, Lisa. I enjoyed it almost as much as your company. And that is to say, a great deal. ” With those words he took her hand and planted a kiss on the back of it. Mom’s cheeks flushed and my own face turned red right along with hers but for different reasons. “I’m tired and I think I will head up to my room now. Good night to you both” he then turned to me, his expression of pure wicked glee hidden from my mother, “I am sure you and I will be great friends, Griffin” he winked and I wanted to tell him where he could go, but managed to keep my lips pressed together. He grinned at me one more time before making his way up stairs.
Silence blanketed Mother and I until the last stair had creaked and his door closed with a soft thud then she laid until to me.
“What in the world was that Griffin? We have been trying to rent that room out since before Christmas last year. We need the money and you behave like a three year old towards our guest. Would you like to explain yourself? Or better yet, tell me where you have been all day.”
He’s a dragon! I wanted to yell but figured having my mother thinking I was totally off my rocker wouldn’t help anything and went for protective son instead.
“I’m sorry I overreacted. I just don’t trust him.”
Her lips stayed pressed in a straight line but I thought I saw her eyes soften just a bit. “You met him two minutes ago, don't you think that is rather hasty to be casting judgement on anyone?”
I threw out my arms wide. “I don’t know, do you think knowing him for less then a day qualifies you to know if he is trustworthy?” Mom’s eyes got hard again at my sarcasm and she frowned. I pressed on. “Why is he here? What is his job? What do you know about him?” I realized I was yelling and stopped.
I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands and then ran my fingers through my hair. “I’m just worried about you Mom, that all.” I muttered looking at my shoes.
She was quiet then I heard her heave a sigh. I lifted my head and her expression had turned tender.
“You’re worried about me?” She sank into a chair at the table and patted the spot on the table across from her. I slid into the seat facing her and took her outstretched hand. “I was out of my mind with worry today when I got home and you weren’t here.”
“I was hanging out with some guys from school and we lost track of time.” I hated how easy the lies fell from my lips. I hadn’t had any real friends for a while but mom didn’t know that. It was one of the few things I had fudged about in past couple years.
Mom didn’t look as though she bought it completely. So I did the only thing I could do, changed the subject.
“So about this Rye?” I said with as little prejudice as I could manage.
Mom let go of my hand and fiddled with a strand of her hair.
“I got home from work today and he was sitting on the front steps holding the Room for Rent sigh that I set up.”
“I thought that had fallen down ages ago.” I commented.
Mom cracked a smile “that’s exactly what I said to him” then she frowned "hey, if you noticed it was down, why didn’t you set it back up mister?”
I grinned “why didn’t you?”
She snorted “touché. Anyway, he said that he wanted to rent it for the summer because he is going to be spending the summer scouting out sheep.”
“Sheep?” I interrupted.
Mom giggled “that’s right, apparently he works for a fleece company and he is trying to find the best seller to buy wool from.”
I crinkled my forehead at this. Why would the dragon have picked that as a cover story? It didn’t make sense. Then it did.
What did had she said his last name was? I tuned out her narration of what they has talked about at dinner. Wolfe, that’s what it had been. Fleece, sheep. It was obvious that I wanted to punch his smug face in. The monster had created the perfect cover story. One that said exactly what he was clear as day. A wolf in sheep clothing.
I rubbed my eyes again and looked up to find Mom watching me, she smiled at me
“Have you been listening to a word I was saying?” she asked.
I returned her smile but thought it must have looked pretty weak.
“Sorry ’bout that” I pushed back my chair and got up “I’m really tired, I’m going to take a shower and go to bed Mom.”
Mom got that concerned look on her face again. “Don’t you want something to eat, honey? “
“No thanks Mom. I’m not really hungry” And it was true, the dragon's sick sense of humor had stolen any appetite I had. All that was left was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and a coal of burning hate smoldering in my gut, growing hotter by the minute.
***
Ten minutes later I was sitting at the desk in my room listening to the shower run. I had my sketchbook out, my pencil scratching angry lines on the page. Some of the pages had been singed and they curled at the edges. As I drew I didn’t erase once. I only stopped when I heard the creak of a floorboard and looked up to see the Dragon standing in my doorway, leaned against the frame. His hair was still wet from the shower and it was slicked back. Shirtless, I could see his muscles clearly defined. I laid down my pencil and closed the book.
He spoke first. “You draw like one possessed.”
I was surprised by his words but said nothing as he entered and crossed the room. Reaching my desk, he ignored me and flipped open my pad to the picture I had just drawn. Even though I had seen it only moments before, I hadn’t really looked at it, being more consumed with creating it. Now glimpsing it, I felt my own breath catch in my throat.
I had stretched the picture over two pages. The top page was of my mother, her face captured in the blush that had come over her earlier, her eyebrows lifted with a touch of surprise and her lips hinting a slight smile. As I stared at the page I felt a twinge of uneasiness touch my base of my skull. The likeness was almost too perfect. I shot a glance at the dragon, unable to stop myself from wondering what he thought of it. His eyes weren’t on the top page though, they rested instead on the second page with an expression in them that, if I had not known better, I might have classified as terror. I followed his gaze.
The second page continued the picture. Rye kissing my mother’s hand, only instead of the smooth human he appeared to be, I had sketched him as a twisted mess of man and monster. Hard as I tried I couldn’t remember deciding to draw it that way. Covered with scales, the form of the beast was mostly human. Its back was hunched and humped as though wings were trying to burst through the skin. The hands that cupped my mother’s in the picture were free of scales but had long talons sprouting from each finger. Its mouth was the worst though. Lip-less, its tongue, long and black, is what caressed her hand. The only thing that was the same as the man standing next to me was the eyes. They glittered with the same unholy glee that they had downstairs at dinner.
For a long few minute Rye just looked at the paper, his face stone. Then he closed the book and set it down on the desk.
“Your mother truly is beautiful.”
The anger in my gut cinched into a tight knot, but I said nothing as I pushed back my chair from the desk and opened the bottom drawer and tucked away my drawing utensils.
“Getting to know her better is going to be a pleasure.” He purred, swinging himself up on the top of my desk. I gritted my teeth and then I spoke, trying my hardest to keep from shouting the words at him.
“Stay away from my mother.” I said, clenching my hands to keep them from trembling, though I wasn’t sure if it was fear or rage that was causing it.
The blasted dragon smiled at my words.
“And why should I do that?” He asked.
I clenched my jaw. “Because this is between you and me, there is no need to involve her in his.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know about that. Your mother is a lovely lady, she could be a lot of fun to have around”
I wanted to hit him so badly but stayed my hand. If a bullet couldn’t hurt him my fist would be a joke. He was amused enough as it was.
“ There is no way I am going to let you waltz in here and mess with her head or emotions. She’s doesn’t deserve for you to treat her like a play thing and if you lay a finger on her…”
He cut me off.
“Kill me?” He smirked at me. “I thought that was kind of the plan already.”
I could feel my desperation settle over me like a iron blanket and I scrubbed a hand over my face, defeated.
“Please,” I begged, tired. “I will go though whatever training you say and eat whatever you want me to and I won’t fight you about any of it. Just please, please, leave my mother out of this.” I hung my head and whispered one more time. “Please,”
He frowned before speaking.
“No more complaints?”
I let out a little bit of the breath I had been holding.
“No complaints,” I promised.
Rye pushed himself off the desk and stuck a finger in my face“you do whatever I tell you to do, without question. Understand?”
I nodded, cotton mouthed with the sudden feeling that I was making a deal with the devil. He stared at me hard before turning and walk to the door.
“Very well, I will not involve your mother anymore than she already is but I will continue to stay here as a renter” he spoke over his shoulder.
I practically slumped to the floor with relief but stiffened when he paused in the door.
He chuckled “relax Griff, I was only going to say goodnight.”
The knot of dislike in my stomach tightened as he flashed me one last smug grin before exiting. I bit my tongue hard enough to taste blood, holding back the rash words that wanted to spill out. Grabbing the shorts and tee I had wore to bed the night before from the floor, I headed to the bathroom for a shower, feeling a sense of victory when I managed to close the door without slamming it. It was short lived though and I let out a long stream of cuss words at the first burst of water that sprayed from the shower head.
He’d used up all the hot water.
So for those of you who are actually reading this story I am sorry for the rather slow chapter. Things will start to pick up soon. I promise! :)
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Hello.
Haven't read previous parts, so I appreciate the summary.
First off, I would direct you to this article about dialogue punctuation, and proof accordingly. You have numerous mistakes, such as this one:
And this one:
Punctuation mistakes like this detract from the story and make it hard for us to focus on the content. If you want me to go through and fine tooth comb this, let me know.
As for your dialogue itself, it's pretty thin on the description front. This article should give you a hand in making the scene fleshed out a little more, with some descriptions and actions.
However, I want to talk about something else I noticed: it's very hard to get any sort of sense of character from the words spoken.
Everything feels like it's said in a very straightforward, transparent way. What I mean by this is, people don't have agendas, the good guys see through the bad guys, the side characters play along with the manipulation happening, and it leaves a really big question of 'if the viewpoint character is so astute to see everything when it's so obvious, why doesn't everyone else?'
I find this extremely common when you're still trying to flesh everyone out. I know I've had it happen, where I want to make it really clear to the audience what's going on— but that actually made it my audience had more questions (that made them want to stop reading) than they would have if i hadn't spelled anything out.
What's helpful to remember is every person is coming at interactions from their own perspectives, and you nee to ask yourself why they're doing what they're doing. You might have those reasons why in your head, but you need to have us following the puzzle so as not to bore us. Instead of wondering what's going to happen with this conflict, I'm wondering why your MC is being so transparent in his dislike when it seems to serve him no purpose.
Making the dialogue more natural sounding is a good start. I'd suggest taking a look at Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro and Application to start evaluating what you want to accomplish with your dialogue.
It might not happen right away, but the more you focus on making your interactions stronger, the better your writing will be. Try to think of characters not as sets of traits, but as sets of motive. Writing politics can be really, really difficult because it requires so much subtlety. Trust your readers and try to remember it's best to withhold than it is to spell out. Here is an article that can help you navigate politics. Even though it's set to a full on political work, the tips are still applicable even when the scene isn't quite so politically steeped.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hey @Dragongirl, remember me? Sorry for not reviewing your chapters recently!
In any case, I will be mentioning my critiques and comments as shown below:
1.
*mom's mouth dropping open
2.Dragongirl, please remember to capitalize the first letters of what you have written as speech, unless they are a continuation of sentences in previous speech. You seem to have forgotten that a lot in this work.
3.
There are a few punctuation problems in this sentence. Here is a corrected version:
4.
*blanketed
5.
Here, there should be a comma between 'yet' and 'tell'.
6. Here's a corrected version of a sentence in your work (I've also added a punctuation to make the sentence flow better and make more sense) :
7.
*stolen any appetite
8. (correction added)
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As you have probably seen, all the errors above are grammatical. Apart from that, your storytelling is spot on. It's interesting, leaves your readers eager for more, and has enough action and interesting content to keep your readers interested. You only have to work on your grammar. So, best of luck, and keep writing!
P.S.Please tag me whenever you release a new chapter! The farmer you mentioned rather intrigued me. Will he be appearing again in this story?
As always your review was so helpful. I know I am messing up on a lot of dialogue grammar but I am trying it just really confuses me. Not sure why. Thanks again. I will tag you in the next chapter!