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by Dragofriend1234

Fingers of flame caressing the black and grey logs,

Eagerly munching with crackles and pops on the fuel that keeps it alive.

Warming the atmosphere to push out the cold.

Burning brightly in it's outdoor throne,

of rusted iron and ancient stone.

The vines that once kept the fire makers at bay

have, since then, been cleared away.

The occasional tribute of paper

from those sitting round

pleases the beast in the circle's center.

For now.

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22 Reviews

Points: 1107
Reviews: 22

Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:49 pm
vidhya iyer wrote a review...

hi there..
its a good try. but there are few things that you need to keep in mind while you write.
it needs a good rhyme. that is very important.
punctuation is equally important.
it should be demanding.
give more emotions.
good luck :-) keep writing !!

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1318 Reviews

Points: 23911
Reviews: 1318

Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:17 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

I like the unique descriptions here, Dragofriend. I love the sounds you choose to bring in: the crackles and pops. I think the unexpectedness of the word "pyromaniacs" serves to bring a nice humor into an otherwise pretty straightforward poem, too. But it fits REALLY well with the mention of the fire as a best in the last line.

One thing I want to recommend that you work on is your punctuation. Unless you're playing intentionally with lines that run over into one another or sentences that can stop multiple places, you should just punctuation poetry the same way you would prose. That means periods at the ends of sentences, capital letters at the beginning, etc. So here's what I think your properly punctuated poem would look like:

Fingers of flame caressing the black and grey logs,

eagerly munching with crackles and pops on the fuel that keeps it alive.

The occasional tribute of paper

from the pyromaniacs sitting round it

pleases the beast in the circle's center.

See how the first subject is the flame, and how even though it's not TECHNICALLY a full sentence, it is in your poetry because 'caressing' and 'munching' serve as verbs? Then the next sentence's subject is the paper tribute, and that is what pleases the best. Don't forget an apostrophe for possession!

Hope this review was helpful for you.
Good luck and keep writing!

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109 Reviews

Points: 7831
Reviews: 109

Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:25 am
ajruby12 wrote a review...

Hey! ajruby12 here to review!
Oh.. This could be so amazing as a rhyming poem! Seriously! I think I might try it.. Anyway, the negative bit.. I think this could use,
1. Rhyming
2. More details
I don't feel the fire.. I want to feel it on my face or around me! I want to sense the heat on my face. That's what makes a good poem.
The wording was very good though! I like the words you chose.
So that is my opinion on this. I think it has a lot of potential, but it could use some work.
"May the reviews be ever in your favor!"

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight

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331 Reviews

Points: 10565
Reviews: 331

Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:22 am
Blackwood wrote a review...

Nice and short and you have some great imagery in here. I like it.

The first two lines are my favourites, they describe the fire in a light way and I really like the words you have used such as munching and pop which give us a lighthearted feeling toward the fire.

Now I am curious bout the use of pyromaniacs. The fire in your poem has been fed with mundane objects such as logs and paper.Then you suddenly introduce the idea of a darker take which is pyromaniac, someone who sets fire to things. This poem seems like a common house fire or camp fire at first so it surprises me on this take.

Also you mean circle's not circles, because using circles means that the fire is circling around, instead you mean to show possession of its center.

Since this poem is so short it is harder to give a substantially longer review, but overall I liked it. Good work and keep it up.

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620 Reviews

Points: 11675
Reviews: 620

Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:47 pm
Messenger wrote a review...

Knight Malachi here too review for the Knights of the Green Room.
So when I saw this title and the description I was pretty hyped up. I thought there was a lot you could do with this subject. Don't take this too harshly, but you could use a lot more. This did fall short of my expectations, but it could be fixed. Some more metaphoric language, and a few more lines in here, could really help move this along. This poem has a lot of potential.
Keep it up!

So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl