Young Writers Society

Remington38 here, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I really loved this and how unique it is, it really says a lot about you as the writer. As a reader though, I would almost like more. I feel like you definitely have caught my attention and sparked my interest, but there wasn't much substance to hold it. I just love the way the phrasing is and just overall it was a fun tech feel to it. You are a very talented writer and I hope to read more by you. Have a wonderful evening.

Hi there, DoormanDan! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poetry this Review Day! ^^

I feel like I might be repeating what Lumi said, but I'll jump right in. There is so much potential here that you just don't use or seem to realise. I see the rhyme scheme you're going for, but in trying to do that, you sacrifice everything else. There's very little imagery here, for me. I find it stunted and robotic. And, I'm repeating Lumi here, you're name dropping than moving on with zero imagery, flow, substance, content or context.

I think that last line is redundant and unnecessary. I am aware of your reply to the other review, but that's no excuse. Take this poem, expand upon it. Make it yours. Rewrite it to make it a truly personal statement to yourself. Like I said, there is potential here. Use it. Make it something amazing, and do it just for you. You might find that it makes you feel better. ^^

Hope I've helped. Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.

Ayy!

You pull off a decent rhyme scheme in this piece that's not very tired out because not many poets write about machinery in general - the imagery is just difficult to make fluid and beautiful. And while this isn't necessarily fluid or captures a cliche idea of a poem, it certainly captures a strong sentiment of self-actualization after something drastic has caused what your metaphor would call a system crash. I can dig that.

My largest whine would be that you don't really explore the concept of interference at all beyond name dropping it. You mention dying dreams and then drop them. I think you were so caught up in making a concise and rhythmically pleasing poem that you sacrificed quite a bit of content that could've made your ideas much more robust. All the same, consider experimenting with expansion and exploration of thought. There's good potential here.

Hope this helps,
Ty