Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

Resolve the Interference

by DoormanDan


Resolve the Interference

Activate the kinetic mechanism within the machine

And configure its processors to its dying dreams

Disassemble the mainframe and dissect its components

So you can restore it to an optimum level of performance

For this current system is constantly crashing

It's time to analyze and resolve the interference

A personal statement made by DoormanDan on August 9, 2016


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
98 Reviews


Points: 559
Reviews: 98

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:48 am
Remington38 wrote a review...



Remington38 here, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I really loved this and how unique it is, it really says a lot about you as the writer. As a reader though, I would almost like more. I feel like you definitely have caught my attention and sparked my interest, but there wasn't much substance to hold it. I just love the way the phrasing is and just overall it was a fun tech feel to it. You are a very talented writer and I hope to read more by you. Have a wonderful evening.




User avatar
199 Reviews


Points: 18800
Reviews: 199

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:41 am
View Likes
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hi there, DoormanDan! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poetry this Review Day! ^^

I feel like I might be repeating what Lumi said, but I'll jump right in. There is so much potential here that you just don't use or seem to realise. I see the rhyme scheme you're going for, but in trying to do that, you sacrifice everything else. There's very little imagery here, for me. I find it stunted and robotic. And, I'm repeating Lumi here, you're name dropping than moving on with zero imagery, flow, substance, content or context.

I think that last line is redundant and unnecessary. I am aware of your reply to the other review, but that's no excuse. Take this poem, expand upon it. Make it yours. Rewrite it to make it a truly personal statement to yourself. Like I said, there is potential here. Use it. Make it something amazing, and do it just for you. You might find that it makes you feel better. ^^

Hope I've helped. Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




DoormanDan says...


Hey there ScarlettFire. Thank you for the honest review. At this point, I'm pretty aware that I could make this more than what it currently is. The thing is, I'm only going to do that if I get an idea for what to do with it, as I hate forcing things. I'll rewrite this piece one day as something better, but for now, this is the blueprint. :)



ScarlettFire says...


Awesome. I look forward to seeing it!



User avatar
693 Reviews


Points: 1682
Reviews: 693

Donate
Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:24 pm
View Likes
Lumi wrote a review...



Ayy!

You pull off a decent rhyme scheme in this piece that's not very tired out because not many poets write about machinery in general - the imagery is just difficult to make fluid and beautiful. And while this isn't necessarily fluid or captures a cliche idea of a poem, it certainly captures a strong sentiment of self-actualization after something drastic has caused what your metaphor would call a system crash. I can dig that.

My largest whine would be that you don't really explore the concept of interference at all beyond name dropping it. You mention dying dreams and then drop them. I think you were so caught up in making a concise and rhythmically pleasing poem that you sacrificed quite a bit of content that could've made your ideas much more robust. All the same, consider experimenting with expansion and exploration of thought. There's good potential here.

Hope this helps,
Ty




DoormanDan says...


Hey there, Lumi! Thank you so much for this honest review! I'm aware that this piece isn't as fleshed out as it could be, and that is because I wrote this during a time period when I both was creatively drained and couldn't really focus on writing as much anyway. I've never really gone back to it because...well, I've had many better ideas to work on since writing this. Usually, I do explore my subjects as in depth as I possibly could (my most recent piece, which I haven''t actually posted here yet, I spent three entire hours writing nonstop), but this piece was an exception. This was nothing more than a personal statement to improve myself (which I really needed to do at the time of writing this piece). Anyway, I appreciate the complete honesty in your review! :)




Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain