z

Young Writers Society


16+

Zero Hour

by DoormanDan


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Zero Hour

Standing three feet from the edge, on the borderline of pretentious existence

I've grown weary of my political conflict, the emissions of a confused conscience

Give in, end transmission


Every sunrise finds me hopelessly scanning the frequencies

For a secret sign of extraterrestrial life, a faint beacon of warming light

But every distress call is met with only white noise

Give in, end transmission


When the fire that keeps the soul alive become but a ghostly echo

When the mind of the restless warrior is caught in the throes of vertigo

The true voice of the human heart is finally known

Unkempt my universe has become, never-ending static fills the television

To this loneliness I am about to succumb, the elements have made me so numb

Give in, end transmission


A radioactive substance explodes into my blood like an eruption

So many times I have tried to quit, but its gravity pulls me back into orbit

This weakness has put my life into suspended animation

Give in, end transmission

When the fire that keeps the soul alive becomes but a ghostly echo

When the mind of the restless warrior is caught in the throes of vertigo

The true voice of the human heart is finally known

(Tonight, we cross the event horizon, descend into the unknown

And either fall in defeat or transcend infinity.

This is it, this is the moment when I must decide

To either fight alongside my comrades or run away and die a coward.

But how can I, when neither my mind nor my heart know what to do?)


Give in, end transmission


When the fire that keeps the soul alive becomes but a ghostly echo

When the mind of the restless warrior is caught in the throes of vertigo

The true voice of the human heart is finally known 


Written on June 6, 2015 by Daniel Loughlin

Inspired by and written (mostly) to the beat of "Map of the Problematique" by Muse

Author's Note:  Hello viewers!  I'm gonna cut right to the chase with this piece!  When I first came up with the idea for these lyrics, I thought to myself  wouldn't it be interesting to write a song describing the moment of truth that decides what kind of person somebody is by creating multiple mini story arcs to help get the message across?"  That's exactly what I did with this piece.  Each segment between every "Give in, end transmission" is a different story being told by a different person, and the science terminology is suppose to symbolize the fundamental truths of who and what we are.  There's a bit more imagery displayed in here, but I won't tell you all of it (that would ruin the fun, wouldn't it?)  Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed reading this.  Until next time!  :)

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48 Reviews

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Reviews: 48

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Thu Jun 09, 2016 1:29 pm
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Ashley123 wrote a review...



This was very cool. I have never really reviewed lyrics before but I thought that I should give it a try. This piece has a lot of emotion and feelings packed into it, (but so does every writing piece). Anyway, I really thought that the idea of putting different people's stories into this was an awesome idea. It really keeps the story through the lyrics alive. I also liked how you used many metaphors and symbols to symbolize many "truths of who and what we are." (as you explained). But, I'd really like to see more things like this in the future. Not only are the lyrics emotional and tell a story, they also just repeat throughout your head, very catchy by the way. There is nothing bad that I can say about this piece. Keep on writing things like this and continue posting them so that I can see them. Never stop writing. :)




DoormanDan says...


Well, I'm flattered that you think so highly of this piece. Thanks for such a positive review! Out of everything I have ever written, this piece was definitely one of the most enjoyable to flesh out! :) @Ashley123



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Thu Jun 09, 2016 12:30 am
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passenger wrote a review...



Hello.

I don't believe I've ever reviewed lyrics before, but this caught my eye, and I decided that it was more than worthy of a review.

First of all, I have to point out that, even though I have the misfortune of not being able to actually hear the instrumentation/tune of the song, your lyrics really do strike me. Especially the "Give in, end transmission" bit at the end of each verse. That really incites emotion; the general tone of it reminds me of Talking in Code by Margot and the Nuclear So & So's.

I saw your explanation of the method by which you crafted the words and structure of your lyrics. In my opinion, it's very cool how you created a collage of different stories told by different POV's, and were also able to connect all of the parts. Even though you went on to partially explain the meaning of the verses, there was also a certain amount of ambiguity that was maintained in the way you composed your imagery. Which is really commendable.

One thing I'd have to warn you on (which you may have taken into account already) is using long lines of imagery. Don't get me wrong--I admire your imagery, and if this was poetry, I'd tell you not to change a thing. But in lyrics, it's a little trickier because you have to match your words syllabically to the beat (somewhat, at least; I guess it depends on the song). Anyway, it's just a warning.

Another thing that I think shouldn't go without praise is your use of repetition. I especially loved this one segment:

When the fire that keeps the soul alive becomes but a ghostly echo
When the mind of the restless warrior is caught in the throes of vertigo
The true voice of the human heart is finally known


It not only grabs my attention, but also strongly reinforces the message of the lyric when it's repeated for the second time. You really seem to know where you're going with this; you're able to keep the same theme throughout the entire piece (i.e. the narrator feeling like he/she is a part of something bigger than his or herself). The narrator is searching for someone else to understand what they're feeling, and to hear their inner distress-call. Simultaneously, they are fighting an internal battle. The metaphors you use really help bring the song full circle. The second stanza particularly displays that (it's probably my favorite; I doubt you want to hear me go on about it forever though, haha).

A radioactive substance explodes into my blood like an eruption
So many times I have tried to quit, but its gravity pulls me back into orbit
This weakness has put my life into suspended animation


You slip a little bit into telling rather than showing here. However, I get how that is often necessary, especially in songwriting. Also, I enjoy the imagery there, so I have hardly any critique.

Maybe I'll have to listen "Map of the Problematique" at some point--I don't think I've heard it before. And if your rewritten version is any indication, I think I'll like it.

You've shown me through this piece that not everything necessarily has to be sung or read aloud to captivate an audience. Fantastic job with this.

Best of wishes,
Savvy




DoormanDan says...


Thanks for this honest review, Savvy! I'm glad that you both pointed out what you liked and what you think I should be careful with. Yeah. I've been aware of the issue of flow with my writing for a long while (it's less of an issue in my more recent writing). During the time when I was writing this, I didn't really focus on flow as much as I just wanted to have a blast fitting as much into each line as I could without getting ridiculously over the top (call it an additional challenge). This challenge still continues today with everything I write, but I'm much more careful than I used to be. That being said, this song does have at least some flow to it. Like I said, every time I write song, I listen to a particular song of inspiration, and then write my song to a beat similiar to that song (though it's never 100% like the beat of the original song, sometimes I'll either add in something with a slightly different flow or I'll extend the length of each part that has a certain flow in order to convey my message the way I want to). Overall, flow is probably one of my weakest points in writing poems and songs, but I am slowly improving, and in the end, that's what matters most. Thanks for reviewing :) @Savvy.



passenger says...


I have an issue with flow in my writing too (I have too many things that I want to cram in to my sentences), so I know exactly how you feel. You're right; improvement is what matters most. It was a great lyric. Thanks for writing, dude.




No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates