Quod Statera De Coelum Et Infernum (The Balance of Heaven and Hell in Latin)
Delicate disciple of arcane arts
Transmute the passion within your hearts
Into folklore born in Romantic Realism
To forever end this social schism
Seductive sorceress of deranged decisions
Granted passage through deception, initiate Voodoo's inception
With the magic and mimicry mastered on your quest
To give the land of Oz to the Wicked Witch of the West
This world of holy heroes, psychotic pharaohs
Makeshift saviors and impure imposters
Is balanced by the will and temperance of Aslan
And the unbridled, rampant defiance of Lucifer
True this fact shall remain
Until we are nothing more than shimmering stardust
Troubled troubadour, meditate on your beliefs
Apprentice of Abhorrence, ruminate on your damnable dreams
Wise warlocks, draw forth your incantations
To analyze and enchant your worlds with visceral visions
Hesitate not to cast your runes onto the masquerade
For change is only obtained by harnessing the powers of Fate
Written on March 27, 2016 by DoormanDan. I hope you enjoyed reading this! :)
Note: I cheated a little with the title and used google translate, so I have a strong feeling the translation I have is wrong. If anybody knows for sure, please feel free to point it out!
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Doorman Dan, you are working on a fine piece here.
It's like a dance in a pool of alliteration, and you managed to fish out a couple of really powerful pairings. For example, you opened strong: delicate disciple. My favorite, however, is "troubled troubadour", because the pronunciation is so different between "ou" and "ou", plus troubadour gives a very specific imagine. After a while, though, some of the alliterations start to seem forced. For example, "wise warlocks" falls flat, mostly because warlocks are a type of creature we can already assume to be wise, for all the knowledge they need to wield their power, right? To temper this, try looking for alliterations that might slip under the radar. "Arcane arts", for example, is already so common, it doesn't seem to have been written on purpose, but it works in naturally.
Of course, beneath this form is the meat and bones of your poem, which is also missing the mark, I think. It starts with a character, or seems to: the delicate disciple. However, I am never quite able to catch on to what it is supposed to be doing or doing. I could follow that it was supposed to transmute passion into folklore, which didn't really make sense, but I was trusting... and after that, I lost it.
I love the way you play with words, and I think that with more thought and concentration, you could craft a poem that is not just agreeable to the eyes and ears, but full of sustenance for the brain and soul as well.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments about this review through a reply here or a message.
Thanks for sharing,
Hannah
Well, this is certainly a late response! I'm only just coming back to this site now, so sorry about that. Anyway, to start, I want to say thank you for reviewing this piece, and for being honest. The last website I came from mainly had people who just said "Great work!" without offering much as far as good criticism or suggestions, so I really appreciate it. Now, onto your points. In my opinion, I don't see how wise warlocks is forced. I don't think having the knowledge to wield sorcery would mean that you are necessarily smart enough to not be reckless with it, would it? I feel that there can (hypothetically speaking, of course) be foolish warlocks.
Secondly, the poem isn't about any single individual, it's about all of those people, both good and evil, who have something they want to do. This world, in my opinion, needs a balance of good and evil to keep it 100% straight. Too much good, and the world could become too unaccustomed to dealing with evil, too much evil, and the world may not have enough good to fight it. Every time you see another character being introduced, that's them "being told" to do something, essentially. It may not have been all that clear (and this piece was the first piece I'd ever written in this sort of style, so I have definitely improved since then), so I can understand that point.
And lastly, the transmute passion into folklore line means to turn what you love or what you love doing into something that will be discussed/remembered for ages to come. Many people have a desire to leave behind a significant legacy of some sorts, but many need encouragement in order to develop the courage they need so that they can do so. Does it make more sense now?
I hope I was able to explain some things to you more clearly. There is plenty here for the brain and soul, as much as there is for the eyes and ears. You just have to look. Once again, thank you so much for reading this and being very honest with your review! That's the kind of criticism I like to see my work being given! I hope you have a fantastic day!
Hey, Doormandan!
Nice piece, and interesting concept. The title is very eye-catching, and I like how you start the poem. I like your rhymes, they're very clever. I always have difficulty with writing poems that rhyme, in fact, I have difficulty with poems in general. I love the first two lines, they really pulled me into your writing.
Of course, I'm here to review and give constructive criticism. I hope I don't come off as too harsh
First of all, the rhythm of your poem needs a little polishing. Maybe some rearrangement of words in certain areas. For example: "Granted passage through deception, initiate Voodoo's inception"
That line can work if you break it into two, although when I think about it now, it seems fine as it is. One of the things that I really think could do some work is the whole rhythm and flow of your poem. You have some lines that are too long in comparison to its preceding verse that, again, the whole rhythm is broken. Like I said early, I love the way you started the poem, but the next verses threw me off.
Overall, I think your piece is pretty great. It needs a little polishing here and there, but this is your writing and you are free to do as you please.I'm not an expert, but that was my review. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future. Oh and hey, welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy your time in the site.
GrapeNerd
Hey GrapeNerd, thank you so much for the honest review. I will admit that I am not the best with flow, but this particular poem was written to the beat of an actual song (not my own), called the Kinslayer by Nightwish. Well, when I say written to the beat, I mean mostly. The part of the poem in italics is meant to just be a short little monologue part, and the part immediately following the italics is written in a beat slightly different than the slowed down beat part of the song I mentioned up above (basically, the flow, for the most part, works if you play the song in your head while reading it, though I'm not 100% perfect at it), and the last four lines goes back to the flow of the beginning part of the poem. I know, it's a bit strange, but I'm honestly not at all good at creating my own beats, and I often find that they hinder my own writing. I am slowly working on it though. I really appreciate the review, and don't worry, it didn't sound harsh at all, just constructive and honest.