Faded

this is good and i like it. i also think and feel like this. i like how u went tired, tired of trying to fix things. how u did this saying something then giving a reason. talking about how u feel with proper grammar and punctuation. keep up the good work on your poems for it is star rating.

HI THERE HOW ARE YOU IT'S MEMORYHUNTER~

YES, I AM PERFECTLY AWARE OF HOW I DIDN'T PUT PUNCTUATION THERE.

Okay. Let me separate this review for a bit because I do tend to get messy when I review stuff. And I'm a little bit rusty right now.

1. TECHNICAL STUFF
Seems like you got the idea of poetry covered up. Metaphors: check, similes: check, check check check. I feel like you don't have to separate this into stanzas because it gives off a kind of enduring emotion or whatever. However, some may disagree and say that it is least attractive when you pile them off in one stanza. Most words would lose their meaning because they are stranded in a wave of other words. In the end, it's your choice if you'll keep this format.

As for punctuation variety, uh. I don't know how to advise you because my punctuation sucks, as always. But you can try adding a little more spice. Semi colons, dash, quotation marks? (I know, bad idea but hey, at least I'm trying.)

The capitalization is standard, so hey, I'm neutral towards it. I think it's fine. I don't think other capitalization schemes will suit it. Just fine. (Please forgive me, I like the word fine. It's fine.)

2. The feeling stuff
Hm. I like the idea of this poem, it's the common idea of depression and stuff like being broken and whatnot. I'm currently hooked on to that feeling because of a. Lang Leav and b. the fact that my precious notebook was either stolen or is lost. So I love the idea of making me feel more sad. I'm a masochist.

But I think, that this idea has been used for too much. I even use it for too much. I kind of feel like we're abusing it. My suggestion for you is to switch it up. Do something more. More than just broken and tired and pain and hurt and lost and lonely. What if, you compared depression to something it is less likely to be compared to, that it's great? Or something like that. I'm just giving you an idea of how to write this kind of poem. The kind that hurts.

Cliche stuff is usually not applauded in poetry, so I guess that's why I gave suggestions. The emotions in this poem are so raw and I get that it's pure, authentic. However, it doesn't strike so much because I feel that I have read poems like this before. Stand out of the crowd. You've got everything checked, the idea, the authenticity, the emotions; you just have to stand in the spotlight and do something nobody's ever done before.

I know, I'm not the one to say this. But I'm giving you a head start.

3. You
Yes you. How are you? Poetry says a lot about the writer. Whether it may be deemed fictional or non-fictional, it's still poetry. And poetry is the soul of its creator. I don't want to ask if you are okay because the only answer you'd say is yes or no. I want How are you because then, you'd be able to speak up.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, whatever it may be. I have caused others pain in my life, so I feel guilty whenever somebody is hurt. I also felt pain, too. Stupid pain that traps you in a corner and---whatever. You need to write more. I don't know if it makes you feel better but it does to me. It just tells me of everything that I didn't know about myself, which is weird because if I didn't know about stuff, then why would I write it? But writing does that sometimes, and I feel that you need it the most.

4. Summary
All in all, everything is fine, but you need to work on the perspective of your poetry. Go out of the norms and explore every bit. Perhaps you would like Humorous Poetry? That stuff helped me change my view of the world by inducing people with Funny Diarrhea. But I get that it's not suitable as of now, judging by your poem. I just wanted to remind you that it's there, and is willing to help you.

Comedy helps, y'know.

And stuff. Or maybe that's a terrible advice. Oh no, did I say another terrible advice? I tend to do that---

Okay, I'm sorry for the long review, I have to cut it now. I like your poem, and please continue writing more!

Happy writing~

Hi,

I find the amount of emotionality within the poem to be far too on the nose. It's plain and overly emotional. If you don't aspire to be a serious writer of poetry, then this is fine. By all means, use art for the purpose of expressing yourself and it's brave of you to publish here. However, if you wish to perfect your craft, you will need to think about making serious changes to your style. I'm not saying you should change yourself all together just cause. Read books on poetry. Read famous poets. Expand your horizons and mature your style using the full sophistication and beauty of the art of poetry.

Lemons

Hello! This is LadyRanicorn here for another amazing review!

I love this poem! If you actually feel this Phan, I be with you... Anyway, on to the review!!! I love the topic, constant struggles, very nice... Some things you could fix, In the last line "I dont even know why I exist." You forgot to put that apostrophe thingy in the don't. I also believe that you should get rid of that line all-together. It sort of disrupts the flow of the poem.

Also, this line, " So lonely, lonely because of being neglected." Why did you put because when you didn't really intent to explain WHY your lonely. You should have just put the neglected part on another line. This also disrupts the natural flow of the poem, this COULD be just my preference.

I am on a roll here!! I don't actually know if this error is an actual error, but I'm still going to put it down to make sure. "causing me to get lost yet again." The comma between lost and yet. I know that poetry doesn't exactly require any of this, but this is the way that I'm used to.

This is it for all the problems, man that was longer than I'm used to! Now for all the POSITIVE things!!! For one, I really, really, REALLY like the topic. Its one that's not talked about much, mostly because people are afraid to talk about topics such as this one. I liked how you brought attention to how most middle/high school students feel.

I also liked how you said "Once there was a fire burning inside me." To me, this fire indicates your hope for a better future, but as life goes on you start to loose that hope. A lot of people feel like this, and it may surprise you, but even I feel like this sometimes.

Welp, this is a pretty good sized review that you got here, hope I did better than my others!! So, until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!

Hey phangirldivergent46, it's AshleyDashley here for a quick review!

First I like the title it really caught my eye and I wanted then to read what you wrote. While reading this poem I took it to heart because I have felt this at one time. I can relate to this and I feel you. The description is so vivid that I can really picture what is going on. You did a great job on that. Also I really liked your flow it kept me reading for more. Marvelous job because I saw no grammar errors.

Everyday a bit of me fades away,

causing me to get lost yet again.

I feel so broken,

broken because of all my insecurities.

So alone,

alone because of having no friends to trust.

So tired,

tired of trying to fix things.

So lonely,

lonely because of being neglected.

I'm still waiting for those sick rhymes.

Let's dissect.


"Every day a little bit of me slips by, causing me deep pain"

Is that little bit of you trying sneak past you because it stole a cookie from your cookie jar? Be careful around your choice of words.

"Every day a bit of me fades away, causing me to get lost yet again"

I don't see the relationship between fading away and getting lost.

"I feel so broken... So alone... So tired... So lonely..."

There's nothing to complain about at this part, but I'd appreciate it more if you used some more of that sweet, sweet, imagery. hhhnnnnggggg

"Once there was a fire burning inside me... but it gets dimmer day by day now."

Two things to talk about here. No, three things. One, that whole part feels really awkward. At least for me. Two, I find it a little bit ironic that something gets "dimmer day by day." It just rubs the wrong way. I mean, I think "dimmer night by night" would have worked much, much better. Third, that "now" at the very end of it just kills everything.

"I feel so lost, so faded, I don't even know why I exist."

I'm not even going to comment on this. I don't even know why you picked this kind of line.

Overall, it's not very good, but since it has depth to a certain degree, it's not so bad either. Some lines just rub me the wrong way and make me cringe.