Do you know that feeling?
As if someone is trying to
squeeze you and you cannot breathe?
Like somehow your skin is not
fitting you right anymore.
And you have got,
a hollow feeling ,
in the place where your heart is supposed to be?
It feels like a chasm has opened,
somewhere deep inside you
And you are getting choked by it?
When you want to talk about a million things,
but what comes out is a mere 'okay'?
Yes, I'm talking about that feeling,
when letting go seems like a
thousand times better than carrying on.
When everything in the world seems bad,
and you think that giving into oblivion is the only way left.
When you just want to disappear
and never come back,
Or even hiding into a pit
seems better than facing the people around.
Yes, I'm talking about that feeling.
Have you ever felt it?
Or is it just me?
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140,141 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
yes i have felt this pain and i love how u have shown us what u felt and how u explain it to the reader with the interest of finding there own feeling.i can tell that your writing is good and will be better girl dont u give up for the feeling get better and your writing will be improving i love it so keep on going and i be reading
thank you reborn ^.^
I think I have felt that feeling.
I am a little unsure about the formatting here(we all know YWS can be difficult on poems sometimes).
'Feeling' is a good theme but very broad, nevertheless I like how you've really narrowed it down to something we've all felt and can identify with here.
Your poem is very good, it leans more free-verse which is harder to criticize on a technical level but I enjoy what you have written here.
Keep up the hard work
Keep writing!
Thank you for your sweet words
I love this so much. I often get that feeling so much and do not know how to put it into words. You did a wonderful job of describing and depicting that awful feeling of nothingness. I liked how you emboldened the word feeling through out the poem. It almost gives is an eerie vibe that captures how horrid and scary that feeling really is.
Great Job you did wonderfully.
keep writing
-ang920
thanx! and plz don't forget to hit the like button at the top...
Yes, I have felt that feeling!
Great writing!
I wonder if you're talking about feeling trapped in a relationship, household, situation etc in the first few verses?
Also, I think a comma should only be used when you want the pause. For example:
"when letting go seems like a ,
thousand times better than carrying on."
I think taking away the comma after the a will make this one statement that's more powerful and speaks to the readers.
Good job!
~S
Okay... And thanx btw...
Hey! The poem is actually well written, there is just a few minor errors that need tweaking.
1. In my opinion, I feel like the italicization and bold is unnecessary. I understand what you were trying to do, which was to create emphasis on the specific words in each line. I just think that instead of forcing the emphasis, let the reader interpret the important words or phrases in your poem. Part of the fun of being a reader is drawing your own conclusions to the story to fully interpret it the way you would like. If you eliminate the bold and italics, it will allow the reader to draw conclusions, imagine, and create deep thought about the feeling that you are describing. It will allow them to understand the feeling and make it very memorable. I just think that the bold and italics make the emphasis on the words somewhat excessive and exhausting.
2. You misspelled choking. This is most likely a petty, little typo. But, I'm OCD and it kills me.
3. Organization. If you put this in stanzas and eliminated the unnecessary commas, it would really add to the poem and allow the reader to think about the feeling that you are describing between stanzas. It's kind of like reading an enormous novel with only one paragraph. There's nowhere to stop and think. Be consistent, as well. Instead of varying between question marks, commas, and periods, stick to one. You create a questioning part of the poem in the beginning, then switch to statements and conversation. I think you really just need to polish the work and that the basic idea of the poem was relatable, just work on the execution.
Other than that, it was an incredible poem! Keep up the good work and continue to learn and strive to improve.
thanx ^.^
Hey, phangirl! clogs here to review!
Ok, the biggest thing that's bothering me about this poem is the italics and bold. I mean, why did you do that? When I'm reading it, it makes my internal narration over-enunciate those words to a point that it just sounds silly. Was there any real purpose to italicizing and/or bold-ing those certain words? It doesn't really seem like there's a pattern to it; it just seems like you picked a couple of words that were kind of important. The only pattern is that each time, "feeling" is the word that's bold and italicized. I just don't really think it's necessary. To be honest, when I read works with misused italics, it makes me feel like the author is trying to compensate for a lack of something in their poem.
Also, I'm not really a fan of the image. I just feel like it puts an image in the reader's head that isn't needed. I think your poem can stand just fine on its own without it.
Next up: Grammar.
I know other people have pointed out "chocked", but I'm going to point it out again just as a quick reminder to change that.
You have a lot of unnecessary commas at the ends of lines (or at least, I'm assuming they're unnecessary based on the punctuation style you seem to be going for). They add pauses in my heads that shouldn't be there. For instance, in these lines:
Would read like this without the line breaks:
Now that doesn't sound right, does it? Well, it's not right with the line breaks either. Take out the unnecessary commas, and then put it back into different lines, and then you'll be fine. This happens a couple more times in this poem, so just take a look and try to catch them.
Have you thought about breaking this up into stanzas? I think it might help with organization a little. Right now it seems rather disjointed and unorganized, so maybe you can find places to put it into stanzas.
The imagery in this poem isn't really anything new, and is also rather abstract. It really doesn't describe anything sensory, just general things like "oblivion" and "wanting to disappear". Lovely to read, but nothing interesting that really pulls the reader into the poem. Here's a KB article that will go more into detail and explain imagery for you:
Imagery
You put a lot of question marks after things that aren't exactly questions. For instance, this:
Isn't exactly a question. It is a follow-up to the first question you ask, so normally I wouldn't mind this. However, later on in the poem, you stop using the question marks after phrases, and it kind of throws me off and adds to the unorganized feeling of this poem. I think that either using question marks or not using them could work, but it definitely needs to be consistent.
I don't really like the use of "yes" in these lines. It feels like you're trying too hard to be conversational in a place where it doesn't really fit. Maybe find another way to phrase these lines?
Overall, I wasn't really a fan of this. It just didn't really bring anything interesting to the table.
and those italics are grating on my nervesAnyway, I hope my review helped you in some way! Keep on writing!
Well you are free to criticize my work...after all that's why I posted it here...
just trying to help.
I know! And I really appreciate that
Wow.
This poem was wonderful! I would give it a 10 out of 10!!
I do agree however that there was one spelling error but otherwise I'd say there wasn't really anything else that was a must-do.
Great job on your poem and I hope you keep writing more just like this one!
-Gymnast2801.
thanx ^.^
And if u liked it plz hit the like button...
Hey there, Rashi! Just a short review today.
I actually really loved this poem. I know what that feeling is, and I honestly hate it. xP I really enjoy your poems and this one rocks. Great job with it!
Here's the things I found wrong:
Should be "choked", no 'c'
I think you should keep all the lines capitalized at the beginning. This one is just a suggestion. You don't have to, it's not something that you have to do, but I think it looks better if you have all the lines capitalized at the beginning.
Another thing I think you should change, but you don't have to, is I think you've got a lot of bold and italicized words. They don't need to be there. Your poem would be better without all those distracting words.
One more thing! You also should take out those spaces you have before some of the commas. Also makes it easier to read.
That's all I've got. I hope this helps you! ^-^
Much love,
Eden
thanx ^.^
Course
Hi Phangirldivergent46! First off the only mistake I see is that you misspelled chocked in line 11. It should be choked. Other than that I can say that I have felt this feeling. This was a beautifully written poem and the flow was great and kept me reading. I think that the words you used fit perfectly in the poem. You did a wonderful job writing this. Magnificent job. Keep up the good work and I hope to read ore of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Thank you!
and if you really like it plz hit the like button!
Spoiler
Okay.
I do not think this will be a very very helpful review for you, because I did not find any mistakes in this work. { well, maybe one or two mistakes? duh, whatever }
So, I know this work is a depressing and sad one. I like the dark theme of it, if you do not know, I love this theme and most of the works, who are into the theme. That unknown feeling you start talking about just gets more detailed and emotional the more we read about it, with every next line. I do not like it when the sentence seem unfinished before the other part of it is below the first part, but we can say, this is style of writing, also, so I may not complain about this now. I will just say what I am seeing, as something that can be or needs to be corrected.
Editing Zone
Do you know that feeling?
As if someone is trying to
squeeze you and you cannot breathe?
Like somehow your skin is not
fitting you right anymore.
And you have got,
a hollow feeling,
in the place where your heart is supposed to be?
It feels like a chasm has opened,
somewhere deep inside you.
And you are getting choked by it?
When you want to talk about a million things,
but what comes out is a mere 'okay'?
Yes, I'm talking about that feeling,
when letting go seems like,
a/one/- thousand times better than carrying on.
When everything in the world seems bad,
and you think that giving into oblivion is the only way left.
When you just want to disappear,
and never come back,
Or even hiding into a pit,
seems better than facing the people around.
Yes, I'm talking about that feeling.
Have you ever felt it?
Well, that is all from me for now!
Hope I helped and stay fab.
thanx ^.^
Welcome, colourful kitten.