The hills keep coming up again,
My feet starting to ache and burn.
Agony and dread looming close by,
Always another step to take.
Starting to get out of breath,
My throat dry and thirsty.
Legs struggling to keep moving,
Muscles tiring and becoming weak.
Mud sticking to my clothes,
Water drenching my feet.
The sun soaking out my energy,
Never getting enough rests.
At last I think I see the end,
Running though I want to collapse,
The last step is taken,
Relief washing over me like a wave.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,055 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
This is kinda boring. There's no message really, besides one we would want to tack on ourselves, there's nothing to think of, to enjoy, to relate to- other than the achiness and things of that sort.
One thing that makes poetry good is making the the reader care. And here, there's no reason to.
Perhaps if you said why you're going here, or if you added some more interesting imagery other than keeping it like a generic breakfast cereal that we can easily digest.
Also, your flow (or lack of) doesn't help to make this some great inspiring piece, it's statement after statement and hey, look imagery! Which also helps add to the boringness.
Maybe as jan said above, to rewrite this with rhyme or even just more fluent word choice could help.
_
On the other hand, you have images down and description of what you want to say concise and well enough worded that it works in the entire poem and it also is relfected back. - Now that's something I think you could play with, such as the burning ankles and the sun and making a connection between this somehow.
In that aspect, there's a lot to work with here and it could end up being very interesting.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
Hi,
Your imagery was wonderful. I could really feel it. The first line really drew me in. The third stanza was especially powerful and vivid. I like how it gently peters out at the end.
I kept expecting it to rhyme because of the layout and rhythm but I don't think the fact that it doesn't rhyme is necessarily negative. For the sake of experimentation I might re-write this using rhyme.
A pleasure.
Hope this helps,
Jas