Young Writers Society

Well, let me tell you that I absolutely loved this poem. It has a lot of meaning and emotion even though some of your words are blunt and straight-to-the-point. I loved the simple language, I think it actually gave the piece more meaning to it because it was so direct. I only have one thing to point out.

Squinting through the mist of my messed up life,
trying to understand what they hope to gain.
Does seeing others in pain satisfy their greed,
or just contain it for the time #FF0000 ">being.

#0000FF ">You're asking a question so it should be a question mark, not a full stop.

That's all. Happy writing!

Howdy CJ Walker here with a review *cough* which should help the CSI point count *cough*, so don't take it personally if I come across a little strong. I actually enjoyed this poem quite a bit! So, lets get started!

Alright so, before I get into the meaning and content, I would like to note a few things that I found to be... wonky. Such as;

The rage sucked out of me,
like a never ending fountain of anger.

Is this not a contradiction? Should the rage being sucked out mean that it is not neverending?

Or;

Does seeing others in pain satisfy their greed,
or just contain it for the time being.

You are asking a question and yet you end this with a period. Thats improper punctuation, missy!

Its little things like that that had initially pulled my attention away from the content and the point you were trying to prove with this piece, so I was a bit disappointed in that aspect. Not much though, of course! Poetry, in any form, is beautiful!

So I'd like to follow that up with a compliment. After reading this probably two or three times over, I thought to myself how, though this poem seems to be filled with an adolescent angst, it does speak to a lot of readers and or teenagers in your age level. That being said, you give a good, valid description of what many feel, so when they read this its almost an instant connection. Thats not easy to do, so I give you props on that.

But, and this is always the unfortunate part, this was a bit... overdone. You had an interesting point, but this point is often seen as overly melodrammatic and what not. So much so that at points I had the urge to roll my eyes as if it were torn right out of a young teenagers diary. The whole 'Everybody doesn't understand me' clause is so overdone that its almost hard to really appreciate the time and effort your put forth for this piece. So, before I rant, I want to help you with ways to cool down on the melodrama and push your point out in a manner that might be a little more beautiful.

Firstly, shorten it. When its an angsty poem, you don't want to drag it on and make people think you're complaining instead of writing about emotion. This started to feel like complaining.

Secondly, take out some of the blunt lines like 'Nobody knows how I feel' and replace them with poetic device and imagery. Lines that have passion and show emotion instead of just stating what was said over text messages to your bestie the night before (I don't know what teenagers do xP). You need to give us reason as to why we should treat this as a piece of poetry and not just a diary entry spaced a little differently.

Thirdly, I want you to try and take away a few of the 'I's' and the 'me's'. We get this is about you. We understand that you're trying to put your emotions down in a manner that pushes it forth bluntly. Its pretty much there in blatant lines. What I want to see is you start relating. Start putting your emotions out in a way whereas a person can read it, say 'I totally know how you feel' and have it become one of their favourites. When you write it in a manner of 'Nobody knows me', the reader instantly thinks 'we'll know s***', and tosses it away.

So just a few tips and hinters. Hopefully I helped!
~Walker

Hello CuteJackRussel! I think this poem is great. It has alot of emotion. Just a couple of things.

CuteJackRussell wrote:It all happened in a blur,
I tried to keep calm and settled.
But they pushed it just on#FF0000 ">e step to far,
my fury uncontrollable.

CuteJackRussell wrote:#FF0000 ">"Stop#FF0000 ">!" is echoing through my head,
I can't but slowly I start to weaken.

CuteJackRussell wrote:Chilling down slowly,
when I feel nothing left in me.
I start to feel something I though#FF0000 ">t I had lost,
happiness inhabits me and feels #FF0000 ">(I think it would sound better if you put "fills" rather than "feels") every limb in my body.

The little edits might just be typos, but I thought I should point them out to you just in case.
Overall I liked this poem. It is well written. Keep writing!