Sleepy head

The poem is relatable and flowing. Nice job.

I really, really like this! You're insanely talented! Love the rhyme too. I just...loved it. Nothing bad to say. It's got emotion but not the cliché, and it's got the feeling of being fed up. But it's very fresh and original. The idea is actually pretty neat, and well, I thought it was beautiful. I like your style! Anytime you want a review let me know! I'd be glad to read more of your stuff!

Oh man, you're so sleepy, aren't you? Haha. I know this feeling, so I could kind of get what you're saying through your words. I wonder what it would be like if you gave this poem to someone who had never experienced it at all. Wouldn't it be cool to try to describe the physical sensations of being so tired? Like, our eyes stare blankly ahead. Do yours burn and scratch or water up? Do your arms feel really light or really heavy? Do you hunch of somehow stand straighter like you're in meditation?

What I think would make this poem better would be something for the reader to SEE. Right now e just read a bunch of thoughts and you don't give us any images or even feelings. If you gave us something to hold on to besides thoughts, we might all be able to better remember this feeling of being so darn tired.

If you're confused as to where to start, here's my first question: where is she when she's thinking these things? What does she see that reminds her she's tired? And where is she situated? Like, if she's sitting, maybe that makes her want to slide down in her seat. If she's standing, maybe she just wants to fall down. If she's laying down, what's keeping her from sleeping? haha.

Anyway, some things to consider.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd just like to talk more.

Hannah

Also thank you for the like!

Hello SnickerDooly,
Thank you for the feedback, I took some of your suggestions and altered a couple of things hopefully improving the original poem. I appreciate the review it was really informative and helpful!
From CuteJackRussell

I thought this was really cute! Corrections in red, comments in blue.

There is an emptiness deep down,
below the sad face and frown. (This is my favorite stanza )
It is not slightly happy or a little sad,
nor is it angry or the least bit mad.

I am tired and sleepy in my mind,
I do not wish to be mean or even kind.
Plunged into a pool of kindness very deep,
all I want is to have a sleep.(This sounds a little strange maybe say, "All I want is to have some sleep.)

The emotions have disappeared,
along with the pain and the tears.
The face stares blankly on ahead, (Because this poem is in 1st person you could say,"This face stares blankly ahead)
if only I had just stayed in bed! (Also I don't think you would need to have the word just in there.)
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Overall I thought this poem was very light and simple which I enjoyed! Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly