Hmm. Dark, but I like it. *laughs* I'm horrible at critiquing poetry. There's something about the last few lines though. I don't think it works for me. I don't know what it is that makes it seem off, but I think it's the way you separated it. The dashes lead into a somewhat bland and cliche line, which fades away. I don't know, it just doesn't work for me. The rest seems alright though.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
if I put you in a formaldehyde solution
would you gum up like a butterfly and shatter
a lovely metaphor...being more or less mine, originally. *grin* the rest wasn't too shabby either. Love the last stanza, you've gotten much better at ending poems with impact rather than letting them wash out and die feebly of consumption in Prague. haha. wow, shut me up.
I like this. There were some problems with the flow, in the last stanza and in the lines:
"about the way you hold yourself in others' eyes because
they don't see you, only what they want to see in you. "
Apart from that, nice idea, well-written.
I like it. Um I'm not too good at critting poetry either crysi so don't feel bad...I'm going to do the best i can. This part right here didn't seem to go very well with the rest of the poem:
you know this, though, and my explanations are useless
for such a cutter as yourself, because we are all blobs and
we are all spiraling into borderline personalities and identity crises,
and you know it because you are the cause.
Besides that i didn't see anything else to crit about. Hope i helped.