Whoa.
I'll be honest. Usually I read your poetry, just out of curiosity, and then I pass it up without a review. I mean, really, who am I to critique it?
But this... I just had to stop and say what a masterpiece I thought it was. It created an almost perfect metaphor, yet the imagery was still so crisp and clean...
I really, really like this. It's not nearly as obscure as some of your other poetry, and it floats down just to the top of the average reader's grasp. I really like the offset last line, too - it's sort of the moral, and it makes you think.
This is one of those poems I love to swallow up. Excellent.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Humph...
I don't know.
Not your best Brad, and I'm not only saying that.
It's because I understood it, and that is why I didn't like it. Usually you have me caught in confusion, for this though you were as bright and simple as freakin' daylight.
I understood it, it was OK, that is all.
This was a poem that made me happy. It was cute. It was descriptive and well-constructed...being only a little over five feet, this is something I've often experienced. The whole thing with the cashier boy floating back to return everything was wonderful. When I was little I used to wonder if those returned objects were put back by the grocery-store fairies or if they just disappeared. Sorry. I'll stop telling anecdotes about my childhood now. The sentence about his girlfriend waiting in the parking lot was perfect.
So. Lovely poem, except for that last line. I'm okay with last lines being moved down or tabbed in, but its removal there just ate my soul with its gnashing teeth and stainless-steel tab-key cutlery. WHY? And why is the "for" not capitalized? You've capitalized the first letter of every other sentence, and that un-capitalization just upset the whole pattern. I mean, that phrase isn't a complete sentence, but still, it needs to be changed, somehow.
Oh, yeah, and:
Coupons are scattering from your wrists? Sure, it's alliteration and sounds better than "waving hands" but it doesn't make sense that coupons and stamps would scatter from one's wrists.
*adores this poem except for the wrists and the last line*
Colleen
This was a beautifully constructed poem. It has a message and theme behind it which all poems should have and the language of it reflected it. THat poem is definitely publishable by the way.
I love how the story is told in the first verse then the message is portrayed in the second.
Nice job.