When you are consumed by struggle
And hope has abandoned you
Go and lie in a place of stillness
Listen to the air
Hear what it tells you
Take its advice, and whisper in reply:
“Tomorrow My fate is undecided.
Tomorrow I will fight for change.
Tomorrow My efforts will have meaning,
and I am capable of anything.
but today
all is what is
what will be will be
i am a small part of forces that eclipse me
and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me
because life and self are nothing but
glorious illusion
Tomorrow I am powerful,
but today i know peace
because the mountains and i
are one”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi @Crunch I'm here to do a very quick review on your poem, so let's get right into it shell we.
I loved reading your poem it was so true, and lovely, I felt like I was right in the middle of it, I am going to say it was amazing to read, that's for sure. Wrote it so well, it even mad me feel some comfort in some way. I felt like this poem had such a meaning behind it, and a wonderful one at that.
On another note: Are you okay, because I from writing poems, I write things like this when somethings going on. I hope everything alright, if you need to chat my PM box is always open. <33
That's all that I can say about this it was a wonderful poem to read, I do hope we can get to no each other more around YWS in the future.
I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.
@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement
Hello, Crunch, Pineapple here for a little review.
First, this poem was beautifully written. I found it interesting the poem-especially the parts in quotations- were similar to affirmations. Such as the lines that said, "“Tomorrow My fate is undecided/Tomorrow I will fight for change." I thought that was very creative.
I love the ending where you wrote, "because the mountains and I/are one". That was truly beautiful and a perfect way to bring the poem to a close.
Overall, great job! I can't wait to see more of your work
Signed,
Pineapple
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!
Mood, Tone, Themes, Perspective, and Narrative
This poem in general is very beautiful. Most of the lines give off an inspiring message. I'm not the only one who noticed this based on the reviews below. The mood and tone of the poem seems to be very self reflective and philosophical, which is something I always enjoy in poetry in particular. Like what @Liminality mentioned, this poem is very sincere and conversational without taking away from the poetic structure. That is something that is quite impressive in my opinion.
There's even a sense of humility in the narrative.
Structure, Flow, and Rhythm
Your poem utilized some repetition in these line:
Normally a repetition like that in particular, I find a tad off putting, but here the simplicity and bluntness works with the overall theme.
Like what @Liminality mentioned, there is a quite a bit of AA rhyming in here.
and
This rhyming however is drawing much attention, and doesn't seem to be an important or main feature, so the inconsistency is alright.
The enjambment is well written and well utilized in general. However, using enjambment is risky regarding the flow of the poem. Here however, it's just divine. Wonderful job!
Language and Diction
I love the simplicity of the diction and phrasing. It allows the theme and mood to be put forth in an obvious manner. Everything is easy to interpret and understand.
However, there are in my opinion some awkward phrasing moments, which can easily be reworded or fixed. I do see what you're trying to do though in these lines:
I love the little figurative language and imagery you use in this poem. It's very unique and special, I wouldn't change anything about it.
Grammar
There are quite a bit of mistakes, that can easily be fixed.
Normally, I'm all for a lack of proper grammar to add structure and depth, but you did forget to capitalize the "i" in the line
It is a bit of a pet peeve of mine when lines that are a part of the same sentence are all capitalized. So just look back and fix those little things. This might just be me being picky.
Finally, utilize a couple of commas. It might add a bit more structure and enhance the flow. It's up to you.
Final Words
Overall, wonderful poem! I loved it! Keep writing!
Hello, Crunch!
This is a gorgeous poem. I loved it.
This is so unique! It's inspiring, and doesn't sound "lazy" at all; normally, when someone says "Tomorrow" the response is something like, "Tomorrow never comes." But this is just... beautiful. I feel like the narrator means it; tomorrow, things will change. Tomorrow, I'll fight.
While I adore the idea of an eclipse, perhaps the "I am a small part" could be changed? I mean, if you're a part of those things, you're technically eclipsing yourself. Do you mean to say that you have little power over your life today, or that you're intentionally making your life a little tougher?
This is such a COOL line!
Ah. My heart.
As a nature poem, as an inspiring poem... you've done incredibly well. It's wonderful to see such extraordinary talent! Really, my mind is blown. I could rave on for hours about how much I like this, but I'll leave you to it.
Great job. I really hope you keep writing, and continue sharing those pieces with us!
~ Lee
Hi there, Crunch!
The mood of this poem is pleasantly meditative. The speaker seems so wise and has this sincere tone with a conversational voice. It doesn’t feel conversational in a ‘dated’ way (for instance there aren’t any contractions or recognisable slang terms) but it feels like a humble, down-to-earth voice that could have come from any point in time, if that makes sense.
Reading this, I don’t really wonder about the ‘story’ behind the speaker and the addressee. Instead, the message and themes are what seem to be foregrounded. It’s a very peaceful and affirming piece to read.
Subject, Themes, Narrative
I get these broad themes of control, time and nature from this poem. The narrative is a bit less straightforward to me, though maybe that’s just because my brain is porridge right now. At first, the addressee is portrayed as being in a bit of trouble. The speaker tells them to “listen to the air”, which is described giving some unknown advice. The speaker advises the listener to reply by simultaneously making peace with the present and hoping for the future.
This is such an interesting line! I interpreted it as meaning that the addressee would be “eclipsed” still by the external world, but that is perfectly fine as they still managed to live their own life, hence the clever parallelism between “out-last” and “out-live”.
Language and Imagery
I notice some nature images, for instance in:
While “eclipse” might just be an indicator of size, it does bring to mind for me an actual eclipse occurring over a mountain, which is a really stunning image that hammers in how much the addressee would be overpowered by these forces out of their control.
A lot of the poem also depicts the abstract and the intangible, for instance:
And also in words like “stillness”, “hope”, “fate” and “change”. I think this might be part of the reason why the speaker’s voice comes across as ‘conversational’ to me, because this seems to be how people would speak giving advice to one another, whereas if it had had more specific or concrete images it might have seemed less conversational.
Structure and Sound
There are a few lines that rhyme here, but overall rhyme does not appear to be a big feature in this poem. For the most part, I think the line breaks are well placed, as they seem to denote natural areas of ‘pausing’ if someone were to speak these words aloud.
The use of capitalised “I” and “My” for the future and small “i" and “my” for the present is a nice way to highlight the message of this poem.
That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
It sounds like a self help book.
No review.