Late-night white light streams in through my window.
It's from a sign that advertises
N OW H I R I N G
A P P L Y W IT H I N
S T A R T I N G 7 . 5 0 / H O UR
all-new ways to sell your life
and watch your years waste away to nothing.
I have twenty-four-seven gasoline
and zero one-on-one connection.
I look at my reflection
stare into his eyes
and wonder how he's doing
out there,
in the world,
in our age.
I peer out the window
my vision filled with late-night light.
As far as I can see
nothing but concrete jungles and abstract worries
stainless steel and tainted souls
melting ice and frozen hearts
a place of
hubris
and hatred
and sin.
I am struck by the thought
that perhaps the world
just
isn't
good.
We all somehow find the will
to keep on going every day.
Maybe wisdom is believing
that we do control our lives
that our nature is to be kind
and we have simply lost our way.
Maybe wisdom is striving
to experience all you can of this life
before it all returns to dust.
Maybe wisdom is
closing your eyes
bringing focus to the breath
and remembering that no matter how bad things become
there is always a quiet stream out there
somewhere
waiting for you to find it
to sit on the bank and listen to the water
and let it bring you comfort
and peace.
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139,389 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! Before I dive into it though please know that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad.
Well, let me tell you about caps and the proper usage of....jkjkjk. There are a few spacing issues here that could be changed like this:
However that's just me, so feel free to disregard that and leave it as is
Concrete jungles.
There's never been a more accurate description of cities then concrete jungles and the line 'abstract worries' is utter beauty.
Also the parallelism here is sheer genius.
stainless steel tainted souls
melting ice frozen
It implies that the world around man and his creations are perfect, stainless without flaw, whereas man himself is a tainted mess.
'Watch your tears waste away to nothing'.
That hit deeper then it should have. We live in a day and age where, more then anything, people are wasting their lives away for some hive mind gimmick called popularity, and their motivation to counter-culture just goes out the window.
Honestly, that's a theme I'd love to see expanded on and explored more, because it's something extremely relevant to today.
Now when you say 'zero-one-on-one connection I'm assuming your referring to internet, but what if you made it about real life relationships?
People struggle with friendships, marital relationships, now more then ever. We no longer know how to communicate without being at each others throats. We no longer know how to apologize.
It'd more depth to this already amazing poem.
Perfect. Absolutely perfect <33 'Quiet stream' is an absolutely spot on way to describe peace.
Aaand that concludes this review. I hope you found it helpful <333
Please keep on writing masterpieces
-Ashlyn
i really liked it .... i mean it could make out a hit billboard song .... and i like your writing scheme ... keep it up thats all i got to say from my side
This is so imaginative! It really encapsulates our society, doesn't it? I like your wording a lot as well, and the image you paint with your words!
Holy heck this is probably the best work I've read on this site so far! I love your visual imagery, the way the whole thing flows, it's absolutely brilliant! I love the way you have our narrator find solace at the end, despite all the junk they still find peace. This is a rare 10/10 for me! Thanks for writing this, I hope to see more in the future. Cheers