Speaking to the Air

by Crunch

When you are consumed by struggle

And hope has abandoned you

Go and lie in a place of stillness

Listen to the air

Hear what it tells you

Take its advice, and whisper in reply:

“Tomorrow My fate is undecided.

Tomorrow I will fight for change.

Tomorrow My efforts will have meaning,

and I am capable of anything.

but today

all is what is

what will be will be

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me

and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

because life and self are nothing but

glorious illusion

Tomorrow I am powerful,

but today i know peace

because the mountains and i

are one”

Comments

Points: 27684
Reviews: 386

Donate

Thu Jul 01, 2021 1:28 pm

Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi @Crunch I'm here to do a very quick review on your poem, so let's get right into it shell we.

When you are consumed by struggle

And hope has abandoned you

Go and lie in a place of stillness

Listen to the air

Hear what it tells you

Take its advice, and whisper in reply:

“Tomorrow My fate is undecided.

Tomorrow I will fight for change.

Tomorrow My efforts will have meaning,

and I am capable of anything.

but today

all is what is

what will be will be

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me

and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

because life and self are nothing but

glorious illusion

Tomorrow I am powerful,

but today i know peace

because the mountains and i

are one”

I loved reading your poem it was so true, and lovely, I felt like I was right in the middle of it, I am going to say it was amazing to read, that's for sure. Wrote it so well, it even mad me feel some comfort in some way. I felt like this poem had such a meaning behind it, and a wonderful one at that.

On another note: Are you okay, because I from writing poems, I write things like this when somethings going on. I hope everything alright, if you need to chat my PM box is always open. <33

That's all that I can say about this it was a wonderful poem to read, I do hope we can get to no each other more around YWS in the future. :wink:

I also look forward to reading more of the things your write.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

Points: 287
Reviews: 65

Donate

Thu Jul 01, 2021 1:53 am

pineapple321 wrote a review...

Hello, Crunch, Pineapple here for a little review.

First, this poem was beautifully written. I found it interesting the poem-especially the parts in quotations- were similar to affirmations. Such as the lines that said, "“Tomorrow My fate is undecided/Tomorrow I will fight for change." I thought that was very creative.

I love the ending where you wrote, "because the mountains and I/are one". That was truly beautiful and a perfect way to bring the poem to a close.

Overall, great job! I can't wait to see more of your work

Signed,
Pineapple

Points: 4785
Reviews: 66

Donate

Tue Jun 29, 2021 6:17 pm

aooborromeo wrote a review...

Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

Mood, Tone, Themes, Perspective, and Narrative

This poem in general is very beautiful. Most of the lines give off an inspiring message. I'm not the only one who noticed this based on the reviews below. The mood and tone of the poem seems to be very self reflective and philosophical, which is something I always enjoy in poetry in particular. Like what @Liminality mentioned, this poem is very sincere and conversational without taking away from the poetic structure. That is something that is quite impressive in my opinion.

There's even a sense of humility in the narrative.

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me

and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

Structure, Flow, and Rhythm

Your poem utilized some repetition in these line:

“Tomorrow My fate is undecided.

Tomorrow I will fight for change.

Tomorrow My efforts will have meaning,

Normally a repetition like that in particular, I find a tad off putting, but here the simplicity and bluntness works with the overall theme.

Like what @Liminality mentioned, there is a quite a bit of AA rhyming in here.

Tomorrow My efforts will have meaning,

and I am capable of anything.

and

what will be will be

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me

This rhyming however is drawing much attention, and doesn't seem to be an important or main feature, so the inconsistency is alright.

The enjambment is well written and well utilized in general. However, using enjambment is risky regarding the flow of the poem. Here however, it's just divine. Wonderful job!

Language and Diction

I love the simplicity of the diction and phrasing. It allows the theme and mood to be put forth in an obvious manner. Everything is easy to interpret and understand.

However, there are in my opinion some awkward phrasing moments, which can easily be reworded or fixed. I do see what you're trying to do though in these lines:

all is what is

what will be will be

I love the little figurative language and imagery you use in this poem. It's very unique and special, I wouldn't change anything about it.

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me

and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

because life and self are nothing but

glorious illusion

Grammar

There are quite a bit of mistakes, that can easily be fixed.

Normally, I'm all for a lack of proper grammar to add structure and depth, but you did forget to capitalize the "i" in the line

but today i know peace

It is a bit of a pet peeve of mine when lines that are a part of the same sentence are all capitalized. So just look back and fix those little things. This might just be me being picky.

Finally, utilize a couple of commas. It might add a bit more structure and enhance the flow. It's up to you.

Final Words

Overall, wonderful poem! I loved it! Keep writing!

Points: 18564
Reviews: 278

Donate

Tue Jun 29, 2021 4:35 pm

LittleLee wrote a review...

Hello, Crunch!

This is a gorgeous poem. I loved it.

Tomorrow My fate is undecided.

Tomorrow I will fight for change.

Tomorrow My efforts will have meaning,

and I am capable of anything.

This is so unique! It's inspiring, and doesn't sound "lazy" at all; normally, when someone says "Tomorrow" the response is something like, "Tomorrow never comes." But this is just... beautiful. I feel like the narrator means it; tomorrow, things will change. Tomorrow, I'll fight.

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me

While I adore the idea of an eclipse, perhaps the "I am a small part" could be changed? I mean, if you're a part of those things, you're technically eclipsing yourself. Do you mean to say that you have little power over your life today, or that you're intentionally making your life a little tougher?

and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

This is such a COOL line!

but today i know peace

because the mountains and i

are one

Ah. My heart.
As a nature poem, as an inspiring poem... you've done incredibly well. It's wonderful to see such extraordinary talent! Really, my mind is blown. I could rave on for hours about how much I like this, but I'll leave you to it.

Great job. I really hope you keep writing, and continue sharing those pieces with us!

~ Lee

Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Donate

Tue Jun 29, 2021 12:54 pm

Liminality wrote a review...

Hi there, Crunch!

The mood of this poem is pleasantly meditative. The speaker seems so wise and has this sincere tone with a conversational voice. It doesn’t feel conversational in a ‘dated’ way (for instance there aren’t any contractions or recognisable slang terms) but it feels like a humble, down-to-earth voice that could have come from any point in time, if that makes sense.

Reading this, I don’t really wonder about the ‘story’ behind the speaker and the addressee. Instead, the message and themes are what seem to be foregrounded. It’s a very peaceful and affirming piece to read.

Subject, Themes, Narrative

I get these broad themes of control, time and nature from this poem. The narrative is a bit less straightforward to me, though maybe that’s just because my brain is porridge right now. At first, the addressee is portrayed as being in a bit of trouble. The speaker tells them to “listen to the air”, which is described giving some unknown advice. The speaker advises the listener to reply by simultaneously making peace with the present and hoping for the future.

and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

This is such an interesting line! I interpreted it as meaning that the addressee would be “eclipsed” still by the external world, but that is perfectly fine as they still managed to live their own life, hence the clever parallelism between “out-last” and “out-live”.

Language and Imagery

I notice some nature images, for instance in:

i am a small part of forces that eclipse me
and the mountains may outlast my body but they will not outlive me

While “eclipse” might just be an indicator of size, it does bring to mind for me an actual eclipse occurring over a mountain, which is a really stunning image that hammers in how much the addressee would be overpowered by these forces out of their control.

A lot of the poem also depicts the abstract and the intangible, for instance:

because life and self are nothing but
glorious illusion

And also in words like “stillness”, “hope”, “fate” and “change”. I think this might be part of the reason why the speaker’s voice comes across as ‘conversational’ to me, because this seems to be how people would speak giving advice to one another, whereas if it had had more specific or concrete images it might have seemed less conversational.

Structure and Sound

There are a few lines that rhyme here, but overall rhyme does not appear to be a big feature in this poem. For the most part, I think the line breaks are well placed, as they seem to denote natural areas of ‘pausing’ if someone were to speak these words aloud.

Tomorrow I am powerful,
but today i know peace
because the mountains and i
are one”

The use of capitalised “I” and “My” for the future and small “i" and “my” for the present is a nice way to highlight the message of this poem.

That's all

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim

Points: 625
Reviews: 286

Donate

Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:44 am

silented1 says...

It sounds like a self help book.

No review.

Young Writers Society

Speaking to the Air

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources