Though I know not from whence I came
or where my journey sought,
the fire of my great resolve
has all but been forgot.
My story begins in a dusty fall
upon the trodden ground,
my grip too shaken and limbs too numbed
by the hooves’ unceasing pound.
My stallion still carries on
without my guiding hand.
Surely he won’t see the gorge,
so I must rise again.
It lies ahead, the chasm deep,
the fissure of eternal gloom.
I rush to overtake my mount,
spurred on by the canyon’s loom.
I cannot understand this horse!
Does he rush to his own death?
The drop is naught but yards away,
yet he retains his step!
I grasp the reins with a triumphed cry
and quickly pull to halt the beast
before he tumbles down the side
and the bottom creatures have their feast.
I hoist myself upon my steed
and start the path anew.
My exhaustion gone for the present time,
I ride to the way of truth.
Though I guide my mount along the edge,
I am no coward soul.
Peering through the darkness thick,
I miss the road’s broad hole.
In the moment that our fall takes place,
my vision is quite rocked,
and I observe a strip of stone
that spans the gap far-off.
As we plunge down into the dark,
I realize my mistake.
My steed had known it from the start;
that bridge had been ordained.
In my desire for control,
I missed the glaring signs.
My mount was no blind, infirm nag!
He had sensed the stable line!
My arrogance had doomed us both;
that thought I now abhor.
I can only hope for rescue now,
though none survive the gorge.
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Oh I get it! Like looking underneath the underneath could save you in more ways than one. In this case it would be from dying. The horseman, unfortunately, did not listen. To "Be the Leaf" can also be seen here, a.k.a it's okay to release the reigns once in a while. Because trying to control everything can have disastrous effects. It's a really great poem with a really strong message. Nice job! =^_^=
Greetings Crunch!
First and foremost I have to say that I love this story! It might be in a poem form, but this is a very intriguing story line.
Now, let us begin with grammar. Your excellent use of adjectives, as well as your descriptive talents are some of the best I've seen on YWS (note: This is only my opinion and not necessarily the truth, but what can I say...). The vastness of your vocabulary is also outstanding for someone as young as young. Truly remarkable.
At first I thought this poem was going to be a abcb rhyme scheme, but then you started going into free verse, which is totally fine with me. It's kind of symbolic of the story: At first there seems to be some form of order, then the horse starts walking towards the gorge without its master will, and then in the end when the rider gets back on, it seems like there's order when in fact their heading for their doom. Bravo with that brilliant piece of symbolism!
You have way too many punctuation marks which aren't required. Remember, this is a poem thus adding full stops, etc would make the rhythm choppy and hard to follow. It's nothing major, I'll just look at that.
This was indeed a very enjoyable poem, thus I am rating it 8.5 out of ten. Continue writing, my friend!
Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
I really enjoyed your poem. I feel like you painted a story out for me, and my mind just kind of raced to so many assumptions about where and when this takes place. When your writing does that, it kind of just sets you up for success and fans. I here am a fan, after one reading.
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Well, this is a really spectacular poem you've got here! The flow reminds me of a horse's lope, which fits in nicely with the story. Your imagery is spot-on, your diction is simple and effective, and your tone is nonchalant and objective. There's really only one thing I have to say about this poem:
This stanza was a little choppy. I know you don't have to rhyme every single little thing but the inconsistency of "on," with the rest of the rhyme scheme really threw me off. I had to read that line twice. Maybe you want to fix it and maybe you want to leave it be, but it's up to you!
Overall, really solid, really good poem. I couldn't find any glaring faults with this, so maybe someone more experience than I will review later and you can heed their advice instead.
As per my usual reviewing style, I rate your poem eight stars out of ten! Fantastic job!